As many know, I have tried to reach a state of acceptance in that my marriage is roadkill and a thing of the past. So, I am focusing totally on me...trying to be "stronger, faster, better" so that..should a woman find me desireable again in my life, I will try to minimize my chances of this happening again.
I started my call out reviewing my sitch, however, I had already written him a summary. We spoke for an hour but the main points:
many women live with something subconsciously called 'anticipated criticism'. Whether it's clothes, men, appearance, etc. They are viewed by others and silently or openly criticized. By filing for full custody, that was an attempt to strip her of everything womanly/motherly...that she is not a good mother...that she faced the potential of not being a good mom in the eyes of other women. This 'unleashed hell'. He stated that most women will tire of this as they move on.
he understood about how the atty felt about this, about wanting me to file for full custody at the time..understood how it can't be approached right now, but, instructed me that THIS angle is the one way to eventually defuse this (see below)
he shot down one principle we use here about validating/agreeing (Always Agree) with everything a WAW says. He explained that it works with men in sales tactics/negotiating...that it is a tactic for diffusing reistance to something other than the buyers preconceived desire.. but almost never works with women
I discussed a common 'man' thing here...explaining how clear it seems now...the feelings of being totally responsible...and he explained that all you could do was 'work with the tools you had at the time.' It's a lesson now.
he smacked me when I told him some of the wuss things I had done or said in the past (never again) and he told me one of the biggest mistakes men can do is ask their W's about what decisions to make re: their job (not implying that a woman shouldn't be made aware of what's going on)
he is not in agreement with certain attitudes here that, tho' unspoken, we all know: that if you end up getting D'd...you are a failure...that it is wrong to think that D is not an option if the M is destructive..that frequently people are abandoned here if you file, etc
he asked me what I thought my role was now? When I asked with regards to H? Father? provider....he said no. He told me that my job was leadership/authority and negotiator.
at NO time did he BASH MY WIFE. The only 'criticism' he told me was, as per my sitch, the multiple young men, Botox, dieting, etc....implies her self-esteem is 'subterranean...way below negative numbers.'
he stressed the importance of positive thinking. One must NOT say , "I cannot fail". One MUST say "I will have courage and succeed."
His recommendations:
have a long term (30,60,90) plan for after the appraisal...that my main goal is to defuse the anger by working with her during custody issues...to tell her that it was filed for X,Y,Z reasons and DID NOT reflect on her as a mother/woman at the time....etc
to continue to be positive and if I was greeting her before, continue to greet her. If she responds negatively, respond with non-rhetorical, non-threatening questions. Eg: W: Spare me the warm fuzzy greetings Me: XXX...how does that response help our situation? or...what does that teach the children when you say that in front of them?
And then, respond to any other responses with questions. Anger should be ignored, etc.
in response to the feelings we all have here...about the past..as above, he reiterated that we could only function with the tools that we had in the past..that it is a lesson...learn from it...and leave it there and move forward or the negativity and blame will remain in your new life and destroy you
Finally, he emailed me back and told me that in spite of what happened, I was way ahead of many other of his clients and that it seemed like I 'had it all together'. When I responded back that it still 'stings' when she goes out, he responded that, and, at the risk of having women here get angry, I post it if it will help some other men here:
Quote:
It doesn't matter what she's doing. That's her and another guy's problem, not yours. There's no reason for it to sting. You know there is nothing there and she's chasing somebody else because SHE'S damaged goods, NOT because YOU are. Keep things in perspective because you're the one above all others who has to keep a clear head and well-defined priorities through this mess.
I understand that many will disagree with some of this. It may come across as mostly 'manstuff', but, I hope that it helps some of my followers and I know that ALL OF YOU, as we all do, will choose THOSE things you find applicable...and discard THOSE things that you disagree with.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
