Maybe I should be in piecing part 5?

[Hope4us]

Oh, my actions say I'm ok with this.

It's just hard to reconcile showing the WAS the guiding path home by showing them what they're missing and not showing them you're ok with the situation the way it is, ya know?

How do you do one while still doing the other?

[kat727]

Happy Birthday because Birthdays MEAN a lot to me!!

Stop taking her places, buying her stuff and tell her what you need from her. Tell her that if she can't try, then you are tired of keeping this up. I don't want you to be a WAS, but I do see it happening. Time for the talk with the time line and consequences included. She can't just be around for the ride anymore.

kat

[whatdidido]

Yes, Kat just said what Puppy and I said combined. Dang, she's good. Talk and show. Talk and show. Communicate with your words and your actions simultaneously. No head games.

[Hope4us]

Thanks Ladies. So just let me see if I'm hearing you guys correctly.

Have a talk where I tell her I'm not the backup plan, I can see how in her mind she might be trying, but I'm not getting what I need from her and if things haven't drastically improved in X time, I can't do this any longer?

If that's the case, then we're on the same page. Like I mentioned before, I am going to wait until after she's through this rough patch at work because I just don't think it's fair to do that to her while she's so involved with work stuff.

So of course, right before I leave for lunch, W IM's me and says "so do you want to go out to dinner tonight? I took stuff out for Taco's, doesn't matter to me". I guess that's her way of saying Happy Birthday. Kind of reminds me of last year on this day. She said "do you want to go out to dinner?" So we did. During the meal I said "thank you, it really means a lot to me" and she replied "I only did it for S16". Nice huh?

[naej]

Hope, I guess for you / for her there will never be a good time to have this talk.
Also I think we always get exactly what we are prepared to accept.
Love is blind so they say but sometimes we have to accept that those rose coloured specs slip off.
I am sorry I do not know your exact situation but have been reading off and on for a while as the last line in your sig. puzzled me.
I hope you enjoy your birthday dinner.

[sandi2]

I probably should learn just to keep my big mouth shut, but I don't. I only wanted to say (and this isn't meant to defend her, necessarily)but my H has never been a much to talk to me about anything. He barely gives me needed information, much less sit down and carry on a real conversation! Anyway, I when you do nice things for her, I see my H right there with you. I have learned after all these years that must be "his" LL. Oh, I think he like to hear words from me, but he doesn't give me the talk I need, but anyway, he never made a big to do about birthdays. Even though my family always made a big thing out of everyone's birthday, over the years, I began to slack up on doing things for him. I just plain started taking him for granted. I remember some of the pitiful gifts I have given him for Christmas and it shames me. But, do I bring it up and tell him? No. Why? Pride. He has never said a word about it. Reading your post today had made me think of that. You say you have talked to her, but I wonder if you have gotten through to her. Have you really reached her heart? Maybe in your mind, you did, but remember we females think differently, so perhaps you didn't. If my H had let me know that he was disappointed that I did not do as much for him on his birthday that I had done for EVERYBODY ELSE on their birthday.....then I probably would have gotten off my a$$ and done something. If he had let me know that I had put no thought whatsoever in the Christmas gift that I gave him, I would have done better the next time. What it all boils down to is the fact he was "a nice guy" that let me get away with treating him like crap. That is what you have done, my friend. You need to call her hand on everything everytime she does something. Just like with the toothbrush, yes there was probably a "reason" that she acted b*tchy, but it was no "excuse", but you, being a nice guy, let her get away with it. Why didn't you tell her what you did us? Why didn't you say, "Well, I did carry the bags in and unpacked them. If that wasn't good enough, then you can do it from now on." Well, maybe that is not a good response b/c it would probably be a fight, right? And that is what you are trying to prevent. Maybe you could say something that isn't as sarcastic as I did. The point is to stop letting her get away with not being nice. Stop letting her get away with taking you for granted.......in terms she understands. If she doesn't get the message when you go out with your buddies, then it is not working. If sitting her down trying to have conversations at length isn't working, then apparently she needs it broken down and right then and there as it happens. Have you tried doing that?

I never thought I was a selfish person, but I have seen some of myself in your wife and it hurts to know that I have been self centered where my H is concerned. Even though he has plenty of faults and not talking to me is one of them, he has been good to me. Some women appreciate that and return it with acts of kindness, affection, gifts, or other LL. Some, like your W and myself just take it for granted. I guess that was why I thought when she dressed up for you that night we discussed, that that was her way of making the first move toward you......b/c I saw myself in that picture. Maybe (I pray) that I can learn from your stitch that my H may detach emotionally from me--to prevent more hurt.....and that I better try to show him that I do not take his "good guy" nature for granted anymore.

I truly hope and pray that the two of you can make it work. But, I sincerely hope that if you do decide to leave.....and before you walk away, that you will try what I have suggested. What do you have to lose that you haven't already? You might actually see a "gain". Let me know.

Sandi

[Hope4us]

Thank you Sandi.

I see what you're saying about yourself in my W. It's like I've always been there for her, even after she had her A, so it's just another reason she can take me for granted. Heck, she must feel pretty special, has an A, treats me like chit, and I just keep treating her with the love and respect (or doormat) that I've always done. Why would she want to change anything?

I've been thinking about how long I've put up with this, and I know I've said many, many times (like Pup pointed out) that if things didn't change, I would change them, but then never did. I guess what I've figured out for myself is that until you're totally prepared for your marriage to end, you can't do what you need to do. I'm ready now. I don't think I was before. But now I am.

So I guess I don't have anything to lose. Like I said though, I'm not going to dump this on her right in the middle of what she has going on at work. I'll wait until it's over. Our bed should be coming in the next week or so which will give me a little more time to see if she is making progress and I'm just impatient or if it's going to continue like this.

Thanks for posting.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh, my actions say I'm ok with this.

It's just hard to reconcile showing the WAS the guiding path home by showing them what they're missing and not showing them you're ok with the situation the way it is, ya know?

How do you do one while still doing the other?

She's already seen Exhibits A, B, C, thru and including X and Z, thrice over.

She already knows the kind of man you are, and she already knows how you feel about her. You've LIVED it for over a year in front of her, with -- I might add -- a grade of "A", buddy.

You've done the hard work. I think it's time to call the question.

Puppy

[kat727]

I agree. In your book there will never be a right time. Case in point did she think what was going on in your life when she had her A?? My guess is no. Do it now or do it never. Now is the time to change.

kat

[sandi2]

Like I said though, I'm not going to dump this on her right in the middle of what she has going on at work. I'll wait until it's over

You are talking like a "sit down" type of conversation. What I'm really refering to is not that type of talk. I am saying to call her hand on things as she does them.

I can appreciate your consideration for her during all this stress at work, but if it is going to last through Feb or middle of March....wow....when will a good time be for you to start? I think starting with the bed would be a big issue. Until then, I would start by saying little things to whatever she does that is not respectful or considerate to you. It would almost be like training a teenager the things she should have known from childhood, but maybe didn't. Or.......again, like me and she treats her H in ways she would not even consider treating a stranger b/c she knows she can get away with it!

Until the bed gets there, why not pull back on getting the drinks she likes and doing all those special little things for her? I know that is "who you are", but do an experiment here and just see how she responds or if she says anything. Are you game? If she says something about you not doing those nice little things anymore, that is your perfect opening for just giving a short reply (not a lecture) about how she doesn't seem to think about your feelings or what your needs may be. Be prepared for any reaction after that...lol. Seriously, don't take my quotes b/c I am way tooo sarcastic, so use your own words.

By the time the bed arrives, you may be ready to draw that line in the sand for good! At least, you would have been leading up by doing these....rather baby steps of confronting her about her disrespect. IMHO, that would be the route to go rather than to "wait" for the bed, b/c that would be "dumping" on her all at once. If you go with the smaller issues between now and when the bed arrives, then you can ask her (if she refuses to sleep in the new bed) what her excuse is now. That may be the time for the "sit-down" conversation and have it out!

I can relate to how stress at work can affect one's health and their entire life, so I understand fully your reasons for waiting, but due to your feeling of so much detachment, I am very concerned about you putting off getting this started. Maybe baby steps, if you are concerned about it being too much too soon?

Sandi