PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi Hope,
I have been following your thread and has seen what you have been going thru. I know your POV involving exposure. it must have been very very difficult for you in the last few months. Unfortunately, in my situation and in my H's corporate culture, it's very very different. I have to tread very carefully 1) they will not fire my H, his job is very secure and there is no way they will threaten/transfer/fire him. He performs a specialty task for them and they think he is indispensable. Which leads to point two: her job. She is dispensable but because the company might fear a sexual harassment lawsuit from her, they won't fire her. I think the worse they would do is transfer her to another city. Which is unlikely because then they put her in a corner and she might want to fight back with said lawsuit. So, what are my options? If I expose, not only would my H be ultra pis*ed at me but also it will push the two of them together. Nothing like a Romeo and Juliet scenerio to make them think that the whole world is against them and they have pure love. Which is the last thing I want.

I think management would prefer to keep this A quiet and hope it quietly goes away. I don't think management will have the guts to act in this case. I have seen cases like this in the past and they did nothing so I know.

So I am going to GAL, have some fun, exercise and take my focus off H and his antics. I think reality is slowly creeping into his fantasy world as he is grumbling about money (going out to eat EVERY night is not as fun as it sounds). He might be in la-la land but he is paying for it and my H has always been on the cheap side.

I am so sorry that your H is drinking and spending heavily. I am praying for you, Hope.

[hope3343]

Hi PM, thinking about your post.
Glad you are GAL and working on yourself. Great no expectations. I is important to take care of yourself. I also have joined a gym and take yoga 2x a week on top of working out. I still have about 40 pounds to go to get to my "dream weight" but this is the less I weighed in about 10 years so I am happy with that.

I know you are worried about exposure at work. Is your H in any type of Fortune 500 company -- if so they do have some type of code of ethics. As long as the Ow is at work it will be difficult to save your M. You can do exposure without him knowing. A friend could call it into HR, or contact someone else that works there. I do not plan on telling my H that I was involved in the exposure. It is kept confidential.
Once the A is out in the open it takes some of the fantasy away from the cheaters. It exposes it for what it is -- something sleazy. If they kept your H at work great - and got rid of her - even better. Remember what happened to Romeo and Juliet...
Just some thoughts on the situation.

I pray for you also. When there is nothing else there is alway prayer. take care

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Hope. I will think deeply about what you have written.

I sent an e-mail to H today just to say that the kids really miss his Mom around here. Nothing back. It's like I don't exist at all.

I think he has moved in with OW recently. They must be in honeymoon phase. I hope she gets sick of paying for the mortgage and have him live there rent free. I hope she is ready to support him the way I supported him financially for the first few years of our M. My H has extravagant tastes. He is sweating about money so he is saving money by moving in with OW. I hope she gets sick of it and feels used. Reality will set in their world soon. It's one thing to date, it's another thing altogether to live with each other, see each other at work and do EVERYTHING together.

Then they have to worry about real-life things like mortgages, bills, work, schedules, time away. I hope reality will bring them down to earth. Can't wait.

[hope3343]

Hi PM, it sounds like our Hs are similar. My H spends money like water also. Especially since this A started. Racking bills on the credit card and he took money from his 401K just to spend. I don't think OW fully knows about all the debt he has. She figures he is making good money as supervisor so she should be sitting pretty. I don't think so. My H still has an apt he is never in.

If your H is living with OW then the fantasy will start going away. Not to sexy taking out the garbage and doing lawn work. Because your H made no changes within himself all he is doing is moving his problems to the next address. Not a good way to start a "new" life. I do hope that he continues to see the his children especially since they are so young but you can't force him. Does the OW have kids?

Take care. We will pray for each other.

[TxMomw/2girls]

PM - checking in...

I don't know if you've ever said if you and H do the every other weekend thing with the kids?? I think you said you don't ... how often does he see them?

My H lives with his 25 yr old and only stays at his apt when he has kids... his 25 yr old has one bedroom apt too.. what a joke.. nice and cozy.... I know for almost certain that my H will not come back - not sure if I would want him if the OW dumps him... I want him to come back because he wants too not because we are the next best option... I'm quite sure we'll be D before he has his rock bottom.... you never know though right..

I honestly though my H would have been out of the house a couple of months and then been begging to come home and miserable being away from us and the kids... it hasn't happened has it.

I'm not doing good tonight - I made the mistake of having nothing planned tonight and I cry every time H leaves with my kids... I miss them so much!

fill us in PM -

[PositivelyMommy]

Our sitch is different from everyone else's. H comes over Saturday and Sunday. Every weekend. We look after them together. He stays for dinner Sunday night but not Saturday night. You see, he still hasn't gotten the guts to tell the kids anything so they don't know so this arrangment is basically 'just like normal'.Except when we were still together he only saw them on Sundays because he worked most Saturdays as well.

Our C was surprised that we spent weekends as a family. He suggested that I opt out every second weekend and get my own life. I have no problem with that except for two things. 1) I miss my kids terribly. 2) The few times I tried this out, H got passive agressively mad at me. Don't know why because he won't come out and confront me with his unhappiness. Just saw the look on his face and know he is mad at me. When I am around, he seems more comfortable with the kids. I think he feels insecure with being alone with them. So it's a catch-22 for him. With me around, he can relax more with kids. Without me around, he doesn't have to be confronted with his own guilty feelings and shame. Not that I do anything to remind him. I am quite good at acting 'as if' now.

This weekend I am going to stick around. See what happens. Since MIL has been here and now all of a sudden gone, we will see how the atmosphere is and whether the good vibes will stay or not. H really enjoyed having his Mom around because I think it made him feel more like his old happy self. Plus his Mom did not do any finger-pointing at him. He feels she supports him. In a way she does, but she disapproves also but won't say it outright. Complicated.

MLC males are like little boys, and not very attractive. I am not attracted to him right now. I just don't want any more blowups. What happens down the road is anyone's guess but I can't get on the emotional roller-coaster again. It's ten months now and I am doing OK. I try to focus on myself, not on H and OW. I have no doubt in my mind that their A will run its course. What's the use of me worrying about it? I can't make it go away any faster and I make myself miserable in the meantime. I want to spoil myself now after two hard years of M. It's time to look after me.

I read some pretty amazing stories of women who find themselves grow tremendously in self-confidence, skills and happiness while H is going thru MLC in the MLC forum. It's very inspiring. Go have a read. I want to be like one of those women. Try new things. See myself in a new light. Be more flexible. Be open to opportunities (I don't mean men). I want to have the guts to say to myself, 'Yes, I will give that a try.' Instead of, 'No, I am not good at that.'

I choose to see this as an opportunity for positive change in me.

[PositivelyMommy]

We had a great weekend with H. MIL's visit seems to have a good effect on him so far. He is more focused on kids. Looks less stressed and looks a little more grounded. I have no idea of what is going on with A. Don't care really. The less I hear about it the better.

We spent about 6 hours together on Sat. S8 had sports that day. I was going to beg off but H wanted me to come along? It raised red flags but turned out to be nothing. Did he just want some company??? I think he misses his Mom but he was not dying to get away from me this time. So I thought, OK. Do something different. For the past few months, I kept dark and just let him take S out to sports by himself but on Sat he was actually offering for me to go. So I did. I acted 'as if', made small talk and we had a nice relaxing time together. S thought it was great because both his Mom and Dad watched him play.

On Sunday, H came around just before lunch, as always. We spent the day together. Even had a few laughs!! NO SERIOUS talks at all but just fooling around with the kids. Again, he did not seem so distant as before. Has been more relaxed around my presence and playing with the kids. It's what I wanted all these years and finally coming together. But now, we are separated. Sigh!

I think his Mom's visit and her interaction with IC and I think IC had a session with him. All these things are having a positive effect on H. I don't know if these are permanent and I don't know what he is going through on the inside. But the best thing to come out of it is that our weekends are more relaxed and he is engaged in the children. I am thankful for babysteps. It's a sign in the right direction, at least. I am trying to adjust my expectations and not hope for too much. This is just one step. Oh and he said thanks to me several times this weekend. Thanks for showing his Mom a good time while she was here. Thanks for cooking dinner for us. I felt those were soft, sincere thanks. Not forced or strained.

I just want to live peacefully now, that is all I expect. If we can do that, then I won't ride on the roller coaster again. Thanks for listening everyone.

[Tawnya]

{{{PM}}} Sounds like you had a good weekend and that is a GREAT babystep for you guys to be able to hang out, him inviting you, and not being stressed..

YES..living peacefully..I'm ALL for that

Hope you have a good night!

Tawnya

[Can it work]

PM, it's good to hear you're coping so well right now. I would definitely see your H thanking you so sincerely over the weekend as a goal achieved. He's noticing the things you are doing and appreciating them. You obviously have strong foundations with your H and that's something he'll start remembering when the spark goes out of his A.

Take care. You're doing great.

[PositivelyMommy]

Thanks Tawnya and CIW. Yes, CIW, we had very strong foundations, we were best friends, in every sense. But I think he lost his way. That's the way I choose to look at this situation. You may think it's easier when there is a OP involved but I tell you it's not. OP is very very real and if they won't let go, you have an extremely long road ahead.

Hope, OW doesn't have kids. She is in the middle of her own D. Apparently her H fooled around on her! What woman would do that to another woman when her own H did that to her. I just don't understand that. She must be a real piece of work. And to think my H puts her on a pedestal! Ha! (Maybe they deserve each other after all.)