Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

The only successes I have to post today in my continuing journey is that (1) I grow more clear that disengaging and distancing from my 'old' XW and letting go is my only sane path to take and (2) that my continued challenging interactions with my 'old' XW are NOT making my love and determination to reconcile with my 'new and improved' XW fade any time soon. I will let go, but I will not give up. Thank you again phoenixdeux.

I understand that in order to actually meet my 'new and improved' XW, I have to emotionally divorce my 'old' XW. Plus, my 'old' XW must:
1. see her own need to improve herself and change her values for herself and for her to achieve her better, happier, more fulfilling life;
2. either already possess the tools/skills necessary to effect her self-improvement changes or she must be so determined to change that she seeks the tools/skills ceaselessly, knowing that the answers are already in existence;
3. actually put her existing and/or new tools/skills and into a plan of action to successfully change her behavior and her values so that she will actually be happy, healthy, and whole, which is already her goal;
4. put her action plan to improve herself into tireless action, because knowledge by itself is useless, but knowledge becomes power through experience, which only is obtained through action. And experience only comes through action. It is from our from experiences that we all learn how to succeed.

I continue to work on improving myself every day. I challenge myself to deepen my own tireless determination to maximize the tools/skills I already possess and to tenaciously search for the knowledge/tools that I don't already possess to improve myself, knowing that my path to self-improvement has, most likely, already been discovered by another and that I will find my new path because of my faith and tireless effort.

I know from personal experience that knowing what to do and how to do it is insufficient to make demonstrable, significant and lasting change my life. WHAT I learn from reading and conversing is useless until I put that new knowledge/tool/skill into ACTION, pushing through my baseless, debilitating fears and actually honing my new skills through my action/practice so much that my new skill becomes automatic, almost instinctive, as my choice that I rely upon as my FIRST option because I am so familiar with my new skill that I call upon it automatically when I am when stressed to act (or not).

I am clear today that I must take steps to disengage from my 'old' XW NOW. I also know that:
1. I cannot fix my sitch; I cannot fix my 'old' XW. I am my focus, not her!
2. I cannot change my 'old' XW. I can only change me;
3. A successful reconciliation is only possible with my 'new and improved' XW, and she may never change;
4. In my newly re-prioritized life, I am, for the first time, a more important priority in my life than my 'old' XW;
5. Even the possibility of reconciliation, no matter how remote it may be, is non-existent without my letting go of my 'old' XW and emotionally divorcing her;
6. No longer seeing my 'old' XW as my wife and actually living MY life is the key to MY emotional survival; no longer pining away for her;
7. I will remain open to the possibility of reconciling with my 'new and improved' XW, without actually expecting it;
8. I have been on my journey to recapture my manhood for almost 3 years now. I am finished being paralyzed by my baseless fears of the unknown. I will continue UNdoing all of the emotionally castrating damage that I inflicted upon myself. I am again a man of action, not a wuss of whining and waiting;
9. I will be kind to myself and patient with myself as I learn new behaviors and change previously counterproductive behavior patterns into positive and productive behavior patterns. I man... a good man and I am now behaving like one.

I need to thank my friends, brothers, and sisters here on the DB board for their kindness, advice/direction, admonishments, encouragement, fellowship and honesty. Specifically, I thank frank_D, phoenixdeux, flicka, AmyC, whitney, CZ and everyone else for posting on my thread and sharing their experiences on their own thread. EVERYTHING here has helped to keep me sane and pointed in the direction of my possible reconciliation while reminding me that I and my children are ultimately the most important people in my sitch, not my 'old' XW.

Talk again soon.