This is an example where I am having a hard time detaching:
Today exh starts texting me his usual texts like he always does on the weekends. Sometimes I engage, sometimes I don't. Earlier I did. I posted about it on my thread. He was being random. Texts about baby, how it was a coincedence to run into eachother at the market today, how I looked good. I usually just give one word or very short answers.
Then all of a sudden they stopped. About 30 minutes later my daughter calls and tells me she is at her friends house that lives across the street from exh. She said OW is at exh's now. That is probably why the texts stop.
Just now I get a text from exh asking me to send him a pic or video of baby. OW must have left.
Its all a big game. He is still trying to juggle OW and I. He doesn't seem to want me to get very far away.
Anyway, this is how I am having such a hard time emotionally detaching. Its an up and down rollercoaster.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Hi, I think I need to join this club as much as anyone else. Detachment is hard but a necessary "evil" to survive relationships. My spouse is a walk away - he is overly sensitive and easily angered. He is an emotional roller coaster to the extent that we are now separated and I still feel the bumps. I have been working on DA for awhile now and it seems so darn easy when reading or listening to it but so very hard when he pushes my buttons. A minister once suggested that when anyone pushes our buttons, that we simply learn to unplug the circuit. I am with all and need a lot of support in this - he is a pro at pushing buttons. It is also tough because we work at the same place - sooooo we are separated at night and weekends. My weakness??? When I feel rested, upbeat, and positive about things in my life. Strength??? I'm a fast learner. Looking forward to talking and learning with everyone.
My W called and I answered on the last ring. She had to tell me to watch for some mail that might look like junk mail and not to throw it away. I told her I was working on replacing some floor tile and the our realtor was coming by tomorrow to take pics of the house.
No R talk and we said "bye" and that's it. I tried to sound upbeat but she was kinda blah sounding.
Not sure why she picked now to call me but who knows. I'm just going to leave the mail on her mom's porch and just txt it's there.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
I went from W saying "I don't want to be around you" - "I don't want to have anything to do with you" to going to dinner with family, laughing joking - then having me to her apt, and talking to me for 2 hours.
You know - I believe it's the only way to maintain sanity is to detach. It is incredibly hard.
I do not answer when W calls, period. I call her back or drop her a text, period. I want to make sure that I'm as unavailable as possible.
I don't know how to make it any easier, other than to keep yourself busy. I got tons of books from library, rent movies, work on house, clean, do laundry, not much outdoors stuff this time of year! Take kids bowling, skating, out to eat, so on.
Just don't sit and stare at the phone or email! I know I talk a good game, but it's just as hard for me!
That's a good idea JD, I should have let it go to voice mail when my W called earlier.
Speaking of which, she just called again because she (yes I answered) was at the store and they had a sale for 10 pot pies for 10 dollars and she wanted to know if I wanted some. She was buying them anyway and didn't have room for 10 of them. I said sure (I need food) and she said she would just drop them off at the door so not to bother me. I said it's no bother so she rang when she got here.
I looked good but she...not so much. She looked kinda pale and almost if she had been crying but maybe I'm just seeing things. I thanked her and said bye and she just left.
I know she cares about me deeply, just not enough to want to work on the M. My goal is to not talk about the R ever and so far so good. I didn't think that was going to be an issue for a while but those crazy WASs know how to screw with us when we least expect it.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
I read through your sitch. It must be hard for you having to juggle a new baby and an 'older' baby at the same time, if you know what I mean
Is there any way that you can turn your phone off and thereby not even SEE the texts he sends?. Maybe just for an hour a day to start with to give you some peace.
I know it's a hard thing to detach, but you CAN do it, even with your H pestering you. Don't respond, delete them as soon as they come in. Leave your phone alone and go do something else.
Keep working with us all in here, we'll all pull through you know!
Detaching is NOT an easy thing to do. Moreso when your spouse can and frequently does, push your buttons. (JD can help with that one). It's also harder if you regularly see them.
I am in a different sitch. My W left and moved 4 miles away. I work 60 miles from her and we both travel different directions. The only contact we have is either by phone or text. I['m currently on day 8 of the 12 stretch and it's helped me tremendously. I have removed W from my day to day worries and thoughts. I can function on my own better.
I suppose that the thing I did that made it easiest for me was to make a concious decision to carry on as if she was NEVER coming back and that if she did, she would have to persuade me to try again, NOT the other way round.
Stick with the club and let us know how you get on.
You can still count the days to your 'dark' total if your W called you and no R talk was done. Well done!
It's not always easy to ignore calls. I have only managed it twice!!.
With regards to her appearance. My W has started to look VERY tired. She works hard and isn't sleeping. I feel like I want to help, but know I cannot. Good to hear that YOU look good though, make sure you keep on looking good
The WASs only know how to screw with you if you let them Rob. That is what detaching is all about. Switching off emotionally. Keep them in your hearts, but don't let them affect you with their actions.
Dear Silva, Read your welcome. It's nice to hear from someone - I feel less invisible. The thing is this - I have tried to act and think as though he may not come back ever and put it on him to convince me to hang in there. This seems to backfire on me because he will come back, say new things about what he has learned and how much he wants to work on things and won't take no for an answer and that lasts about one week before he is out the door again. I don't how I am supposed to know when he's really ready to work with me.
I think (only mo) that if the time is right, we will know. If we are honest with ourselves.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
