I realised I am angry he is trying to pretend a whole year never happened, we dont need to talk about it, he doenst feel the need to say sorry, hold me in his arms and say "I know this has been hard, I am sorry, I had to do it".
Originally Posted By: Kalni
I hope he realises that unless there is somekind of "katharsis'" discussion, actions etc I will not be able to be peacefull inside.
Hi K,
I wish I had some advice for you, but unfortunately not, all I can say is that you've mentioned a couple of things which I've been struggling with and I've been piecing for just coming up to a year.
Piecing is tough, nearly impossible.
Lanzo
K,
Yes, indeed you will mostly likely also need to pretend that he is not pretending that all the bad stuff never happened! In this sense love means "never having to say you're sorry" as in Erich Segal's "Love Story". If one of you expects a sorry it implies the other is to blame. If they can have "no fault" divorce why not have "no fault" reconciliation? In reminds me of Cookie's "power equal" status.
I recently asked Forrest (FG) why people get "stuck" here and he said something about not "detaching". I asked once again for good measure and he said the same thing. Could this be your problem K? I see a lot of "shoulds" from you and also from some of the well meaning folks here - this translates to "expectations" which translates to "not detaching" and you sometimes call it "not settling". I think in piecing and for the rest of your married life you will need to detach. Heck, we even need to detach from our little one's when they throw a temper tantrum and even they have quite a big ego!
Practice not taking your spouse's behavior personally. He is the product of the hand dealt to him by circumstance and genetics and the relationship dynamic that you are at least partly responsible for. You committed your life to him for better or worse. You have two beautiful kids together. Life is unpredictable, circumstances change. You owe him your love thru' all this. What if he met all your romantic and other expectations and the next day got hit by a truck or had a stroke that made him unable to speak or move. Would you abandon him then? My hunch is he's afraid to take the plunge and come home mainly for this reason that you do not accept him for who he is but what you expect from him. In fact to him it seems that nothing he does is good enough for you - whether its an IPOD, a beautiful dress, a kiss, whatever, ... If he was so convinced you truly loved him he would not stop at kissing you on the cheek and neck. In fact he'd feel secure enough to quit both his jobs if you wanted him to.
I have probably said too much but I know you have a lot of inner strength and capacity to grow.
