in a galaxy far, far away...

[dl443322]

Hey SC, so h came home today. My guess is that none of his friends could hang out and ow was not here. She lives in another state. H is staying with her mother.

I dont know how long he is staying. I think he is leaving again tomorrow and watching the football game with his friends.

I spoke to him about some medical bills and such then I went out all day. Just came home. He is sitting in the chair he is always in. Son hung out with him today, then went out with friends. So h has been home by himself all night.

I came down and went on the computer than I am going to my room to read a book.

He is probably saying to himself, why did I bother to come home, no one is here.

I worry that since he worked from home and never saw any friends that now that he goes into the office (two hours away) from the ow's mother's house, he is happier to be around other people.

Very little incentive for him to come home and go back to being alone all day. Now he goes out to dinner with friends and watches the ball game.

Anyway, I am staying away from him and doing my thing. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

[Silent Chrleader]

Anyway, I am staying away from him and doing my thing.

Perfect!!!!

[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]

[dl443322]

So h is home again today. Thought he might go somewhere to watch the football game, but maybe not. I have been doing my own thing. Very little interaction.

Trying to decide how to handle this situation. He left for 5 days and now is back. He said he wanted to do it slowly for son's sake and not just walk out for good one day.

But I feel I have to say something because this is not good for our son, I dont think. H told son aa year ago he is leaving, didnt, told him two months ago, didnt (I asked him to think about waiting til after the holidays, told son three weeks ago, left for two days the following week, then 5 days this week. So maybe he is trying to do it slowly.

I think if he does it again this week, thats it. Otherwise my son will never be able to work through this situation. He will just keep thinking h is not really leaving for good. Son and I both need to go through all the phases of gried and we cant if h keeps coming back.

So, I guess I will wait to see what happens this week. And then I need to tell him to sh*t or get off the pot.

Meantime, I am going out again for the day. Needed to work more on my GAL.

[faithisbelieving]

Short and sweet...continue to do JUST THAT. You. Personally, I find it psychologically abusive to continue to tell an 18 year old that you are leaving...and then....DON'T. What does that teach him? Or...should he see his mom say enough is enough?

Limbo and lingering.....sucks.

Focus on all that is you. Review whatever you think were YOUR contributions to this...and make those changes. Then, I urge you to do what my consultant told me yesterday:

You could only function with the tools that you had at the time. Learn from it. Move on with it as a lesson. If you live in the past and live with blame and negativity, that is the direction your life will take.

FIB

[Silent Chrleader]

Short and sweet...continue to do JUST THAT. You. ..........

You could only function with the tools that you had at the time. Learn from it. Move on with it as a lesson. If you live in the past and live with blame and negativity, that is the direction your life will take.

FIB

Here Here!!! This is spot on advice for us all!!

[dl443322]

FIB, thank you so much for posting. And thank you for sharing what your consultant said to you.

And that is what I am trying to do. I have taken responsibility for the things that I feel were problematic in our marriage and I am taking steps to change them.

And I am trying to really and truly accept that I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time. This is the hard part for me.

[Silent Chrleader]

........ I have taken responsibility for the things that I feel were problematic in our marriage and I am taking steps to change them.

And I am trying to really and truly accept that I did the best I could with the tools and knowledge I had at the time. .......

This is all we can ever do, BM!!

Hang in there!!! You are a warm, caring, honest, faithful, strong, beautiful, woman!!! Don't you ever forget it!!!!

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[dl443322]

Thanks SC and right back at ya!

So, my h has been home for three days and I have been doing my thing. Havent seen him much or had much interaction at all.

He told me tonight that he is leaving again. I dont know for how long, but I said to him, we need to talk. He said, ok, let him know when.

I need to get my thoughts together and say it all in the right way. I think he is going to go for good this time, but who knows. He said he wants to do it slowly for son, but how slowly, I dont know. I always let him come and go as he pleased so I am sure he thinks he can just continue this way for awhile.

But, it is not working for me right now. It is making me feel taken advantage of.

So, I will think about the how I want to approach this. And if anyone can help me, I'd appreciate it.

[faithisbelieving]

Once you make a decision, you will be relieved.

Your H is doing some sort of waffling which is hurting everyone. They say one month waiting for every year married (it is not based on anything scientific at all but....).

DB principles always apply but how long you stay in Oz until you realize that your not in Kansas anymore, well....

FIB

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, BM.

I can't really speak from experience, because my H has not done the "waffling" like your H has done. If he did, it would be a 180 for him and I might see it as a sign of hope. I have to work hard on myself to be patient and give him his space and NOT chase!

However, I have seen others here in a similar sitch as yours and for them setting real boudaries has been a very good thing! I'm sure it must be very scary for you because I know you love your H and value your M, and it's so very hard to know just what to do. We all ride that fence between showing unconditional love and being a doormat.

But, successful DB'ers, have said that sometimes you do have to trust your gut, and it seems clear that your gut is telling you that you need to take a stand for YOU! So, try to be clear and concise, and straightforward. No anger or blaming.

Just tell H that, although he may think he is doing the right thing in moving "slowly" (and I'm sure he probably actually thinks this), in fact what he is doing is irritating an open wound for all three of you, and that you think that for the mental health of all of you, it is best if he leaves and gives you all time to heal. Tell him you wish him well, and that you will do your best to help your son through this, and not put him in the middle between the two of you because that is what is best for your son, and you hope H will do the same. But, for now, you think that you and S need space. (Doesn't that sound familiar)

Take care, BM!!

[[[[[hugs]]]]]