Hello, I am new to the board, but wanted to respond to this post as I am also wondering how a couple goes about rebuilding shattered trust. As the betrayed spouse, I seem to have a different perspective on this than most betrayed spouses. Although I don't necessarily think they are unreasonable I personally would not feel comfortable making these requests to my H. For one thing, I think all of these actions can be circumvented and the infidelity can continue. For example, you can ask to have access to all email accounts/phone records, etc. But how do you know your spouse hasn't created other email accounts unbeknownst to you or gotten a different cell phone unbeknownst to you? If you ask to be present when she calls her affair partner to end their relationship, it is quite possible she will just be staging the call. I'm not saying your W will do this, I'm just saying the possibililty that she will continue her affair still exists even if you THINK you have access to all her electronic communications and even if you personally witness her ending the R with the affair partner.
But even if these methods were foolproof, for me, I don't think I could make these kinds of demands on my husband. I think it would make the both of us feel too crappy. For my situation, I think the best way we can rebuild trust is to set the boundaries of what is not acceptable regarding members of the opposite sex. And then for me to take him at his word that he will not violate my trust again. And then watch his actions to the best of my ability without being the KGB. In other words, give him the trust before he necessarily earns it, and then let his actions back up his words. IF he is sincere and does not violate my trust again, I think both he and I will regain mutual respect for eachother in a more positive manner. I may not necessarily know what he is doing all of the time, but I do think if he isn't being honest and trustworthy, it will eventually surface.
I know the majority of people tend to go the avenues you mentioned. I just think in my case, it would serve to make me feel like an angry parent trying to keep tabs on my kid, and would make H feel like a child. And I think it would harm our relationship rebuilding efforts.
I would welcome anyone's comments on my post. Thanks!
