the place I am at......I need advise

[itsy]

I have a desire to contact EX....I have seen him once since the D 2006 and he didn't see me. we were on the road..he lives 10 minutes away, he was with his girlfriend in the car. I have not spoken to him for 8 months. When we were in the final month of D I said that I did not want to ever see him or talk to him again in my life...(I was preDBing but, in my own way, I really was now that I look back....I had NC unless D proceedings) I establish NC for myself to get over him and what he did and what he was doing. Since then if he contacts me it's thru the children I do not like his method of contact and have told him and the children have told not to do it this way.I saw him during the holidays on the road and since then I have wanted to contact him. I would like to know where he is in his life and if we can be friends and civil towards one another in order to have some sort of a relationship. We spoke 8 months ago and it turned ugly...he does not comprehend that I have changed and I will not put up with him always getting his way. I beleive he has come thru the tunnel. He has had more contact with children then in the past...plus talking to youngest son about Christmas with his father I could tell by the gifts he was out of tunnel. He was very generous when in the most recent years he has not been in contact about Christmas and just giving money without shopping for gifts for the children. My children are 32,27,24.)


In my past posts I have really been angry and full of hate towards him and since November have been working on forgiveness for myself and the D. I work with a really great C after so many failed and am still on medications for depression and ADD. I also have a great psychatrist since the year of the bomb. I have worked really hard to get where I am today, I am stronger than I ever was in the marriage,very independent and self confident about myself and I have high self esteem for myself. I respect myself and how I live and the decsions that I make...I respect myself more than I ever did. It has taken almost 4 years to get here and now that I am here I would never allow the past Itsy to ever resurface again... she is long gone. A MLC /WAS changes you...I know.

I found letters that Ex had given me when MLC was going on that I forgot I had...and they all make sense beleive it or not about what was wrong with Marriage and what we needed and I needed to do in order for M to last.... now I am able to read them and understand what he was saying and what he wanted for us together... I contributed to the demise of my marriage, as did he, I see what I did and since have changed. I changed on my own without remembering the letters those parts of me without doing it for him. I have done a 180 of myself that was something I did for me..the last two things to accomplish for me are to get in shape not neccasary lose weight and to stop smoking...The hard ones... But in reading the letters he wanted to date me in order to fall back in love with me. He asked for a photo album of pictures from me to look at and remember me...that was 2004...now I fully understand the words that he wrote and what he was trying to tell me about us and what he was going thru..and why he wanted to date me..He told my mom that he would always love me...Not in love just love me do I beleive that?
I am very happy in my life, I have my work and new friends and family. My children and family, friends no longer see a depressed, insecure person that was crazy from 2004-2007...it really tore me up..But in essence I have my chit together....
I really have done some 180's for me.


Our daughter is coming home from the west coast this week and will be seeing her father.I am glad now that the children did not pick parents to side with but I want to have a relationship with the ex. Would it be too forward to ask daughter to tell ex I said hello and hope that all is well? I would like to contact him but do not know how if not. just picking up phone and calling him. I would like to have 3 children over for dinner Fri night together would it be okay to ask ex to join us in my new place? That may be too much...How do I initate contact? I know I want to contact him but not sure how to... Or do I stand with MLC issues that they will contact you? He has a girlfreind she doesn;t mean a thing to me and never has...but since I said I never wanted to talk to him he probably will always feel that way without me changing it. I know I want to contact him do I recieve 2x4's from ya'll or ideas on how to initate contact...I want too see where he is,or do you wait fro them to make contact...even tho I said I didn't wnat to tlk to him Please give opinions and advise I'm in need of some help
THanks,
ITSY