Time for me to change....scared as Hell! 2

[theotherhalf]

Morning all,

Seems like afternoon though, I FINALLY slept in till 8 am. Seems like since this has all started I am awake EVERY morning by 5am. And for the first time, my first thought was not of H. Went out and plugged in the tractor, going to see if I can push snow today. Good day to try it, it's not too bad out and the wind is not blowing.

Didn't do much of anything this weekend. Kind of relaxing. Spent time with the girls (D17 mad as heck that the weather didn't allow her to go out last night and of course it was all my fault) watched movies, made homemade pizza last night, worked on e-bay stuff, had my BIL fix my car yesterday, and did some things around the house. All in all it was a good weekend.

I guess with H, we have gone dark. Not what I had intended, but what is. I have not really seen or talked to him for 2 weeks. When he comes here, he does it when I am gone or does not come in or if he does it's for about 5 min. Mostly comes when I am gone. He evidently found out I was going to BIL's yesterday to fix my car. I was on my way into town and I met him going to the farm. He didn't even wave. I needed his checks/deposits so I did call him. He answered "Yea". I said "Hi, are you going to the farm?" he said "yea" I said "okay will you leave a list of your checks and deposit?" he said "yea" I said "okay thank you" he said "yep". And we hung up. So in a nut shell we are not even friends anymore, there really seems as though there is nothing left. Well except for a piece of paper that says we are still H and W. That means absolutely nothing to my H.

I don't know if I am "detached" or "moving on" or what you want to call it. I still hurt, I still wonder, I still feel somewhat stuck and paralyzed, but I feel more "okay". More like I am accepting what is. I think of him alot but I am no longer letting those thoughts control me or drag me down. I am finding hope in myself that things will work out one way or another. More now without H in my life. I will find my way out of this mess. I find myself thinking more now days that I don't know if I want to R with my H. I know that I don't the way he is now. I am losing my faith in him that he will ever come out of this. That he will ever be again a man that I want to spend my life with. I guess starting to see true colors of him and his family. Starting to think maybe I am missing nothing. Maybe thats not a life I want anymore. I am letting myself remember how it felt to be second best to a beer can, or his family, or his job. The only time I felt like I was first in my H life was in the very beginning and it didn't last long.

I am thinking I wanted a man to love me unconditionally, whole heartedly like I love, to share with me the good and the bad. I always believed that was my H. Then when things got tough he ran. He is weak, he doesn't know how to love, it was always with conditions, he can't tell me how he feels, he can't deal with the stresses of children and bills. I don't know who he is anymore. Don't know if I want to.

Oh enough! I am just rambling. Sorry. I've got stuff to do, so better get doing. Have a great Sunday!
TOH