Friendly interactions that are instigated by the WAS are allowed, these are positive things.
If you need to contact regarding children or pets, that is also acceptable.
What we are trying to do is to be consistant in NC intiated by us. This is giving us time to focus on ourselves and get things sorted in our own minds without the added pressure of worrying about what the WAS is doing or thinking.
Besides a couple of emails last week about money stuff, I haven't seen of heard the W for almost 2 weeks. My W has an OM she still has feelings for but she's been living at her mom's for a couple of months now. We were working on our R not 3 weeks ago but the OM poked his head back in so she went all WAS again.
I dropped off some mail there (nobody was home) and just got a txt thanking me for dropping it off. I'm not responding for once.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
Silvagod - what about conversation initiated by me - but about the general progress of our D3, child raising, then general question about how things are going - how's job, etc.
Or should any contact have a real purpose - issue with D3, etc. and if WAW brings up general discussions, then go with the flow.
Q: Does WAW have to lead with general generic discussion, or can generic talk be initiated by DA/LBS and see if WAW takes the bait and is interested in talking more ? i.e. can DA/LBS initiate a friendly call - or do we have to wait for WAW to call - unless real need to call arises ?
I guess I'm trying to get some slippery room to start up friendly conversations, even if it's once every two weeks. It's getting awefully quiet... I am surprised at how little we actually do talk even when we have a D3. (Originally, we would have a daily call usually just to say goodnight to D3 - that ended when I learned about OM - as I didn't want to call thinking he may be there. That goodnight call has stopped.)
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
First question for you...why did you stop the goodnight call?. Surely your D3 is more important than your being upset that OM may be there. Can you get W to call you if he is there, then you can still say goodnight.
Generic discussion..if this follows on from a call regarding D3, then by all means carry it on. Just do NOT talk R or M at ALL.
If you just want a generic call to WAW, leave it to her to call you. Do NOT intiate ANY general chat calls or txts or emails. Otherwise you will not know if this method is working. See what I mean?
Stay strong, but involve your D3 more in your life, she deserves it.
True detachment involves no contact with WAS, in my mind. Honestly, why do you need to talk?
Pick some random friend - if they started insulting you, disrespecting you, telling you how awful you were, taking advantage of you - how much time would you give them?
That's a good way to look at W at this point - she is doing all of these things, and you are throwing yourself on the floor for table scraps.
If you call to talk to D3, make that very clear when she answers the phone: "I called to say good night to D3 - can you put her on?" Then, tell D3 good bye, and hang up!
Do keep up the goodnight call, but limit it to that.
My W went for almost 6 weeks with almost zero contact, but has now started totally calling me all the time because I completely left her alone.
So, maybe six weeks it is! Just gotta steel yourself - when you find yourself typing that text, making the call, sending the email, walk away from the phone/computer. Go make a sandwich.
Even when I have a good reason to send an email, I typically make myself even sleep on it overnight, and alot of times the next morning I say, "You know, this isn't really going to serve a purpose" and I delete it.
If W calls you and initiates a conversation, that's fine. However, even then I would suggest being friendly, but find some reason to cut the conversation short - laundry that needs folding, floor that needs mopped, clients to call. Just something that shows you are so busy you just really don't have time to chit-chat.
I think JD has some good insights on what detaching is when there are kids involved. Going dark isn't an option.
Could you try not initiating the contact (unless necessary for the kids)? The db coach told me to make sure that whatever contac there, I should end it first. I guess it's the "leaving them wanting more" principle or simply, you've got a happy (detached) life and you've gotta' go! Bye! (click)
This is a great list. Some of these things I have been doing, some I've been thinking about but hesitated to do. I think that was because I wasn't in the right frame of mind yet. I feel like I'm ready to detach now so have a better place to start from.
I spend a good amount of time on the phone with friends. Usually there is some R talk involved so I'm in another part of the house, but also some outbursts of laughter. I had a friend over once but BF bolted from the house and met OW for dinner then lied about it. That's why I've been spending evenings in so as not to give him more opportunity/reason to go out with OW. Guess I just need to not give a cr*p what he's doing with his time.
I do need a place to go in the evenings. I was just talking to friends about a neighborhood bar we went to once. I think I can go there and just hang out by myself, it's kind of a dive with regulars. Should be able to nurse a drink there for a while.
I'll start when BF gets home tomorrow.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Good luck Pearl; it sounds like you have resolve. I've posted to your thread.
Rob, wow, a big 180 not to text. You'll be trying to keep that up. Let us know how it goes.
Welcome, Single Dad, I hope that JD and god's insights re kids help. I can imagine your d wanting to hear good night from you, if not daily, then on a regular and predictable basis.
JD and god... as always, thanks for your encouragement and support.
In my sitch, I'm on day 9. My h is going away this week and I'm not ready for contact before goes, so my nc will likely be as long as 3 weeks.
I've been thinking about detachment. The next detachment challenge for me will be staying in contact and remaining detached (that is, staying within and with myself no matter what is going on around me).
Can I join here? Lord knows, and anyone that's followed my sitch, that I need ALL the help I can get.
I have had NC with my H for 2 weeks Monday. That is the last time I've talked to him (I called) about us. It was a 53min call. For nothing. Again. Since that time I have only called him 1 or 2 times and it was only for finance stuff short and to the point then ended the call.
He has called me a couple of times just about farm stuff, I've not answered, let him leave a VM and I didn't call him back. I have texted him a couple times but saved them, thought about them, then didn't send.
I don't know that I feel like I've gone NC, at least not intentionally, I've just more like accepted what is, he went NC long time ago. I just wouldn't agree.
This is a tough row to hoe. Not what I wanted my life to be. But it is what is. Now to accept and move on.
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
