Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[No Longer BH]

Hey Gyps...hope things are going really well for you. OEO stands for O Enlightend One because my STBXH likes to try and "fix" me. Apparently I am the entire reason everything feel apart. He has left books on how to find peace, sent me emails on how to embrace buddhism, and has even suggested seminars on how to meditate. He is so focused on fixing me that he refuses to see how broken he is. I guess that is how they opperate though, blame us for everything so they can feel better about the horrible things they do. Even his emails to me are full of blaming me. In the past it would crush me that he felt this way. Now, not so much. See, I have learnd a thing or two in this journey. First, I have learned that OEO is sick, very sick. He is no longer capable of being the man I once knew and loved. So he actually did me a favor by leaving me so that I wouldnt have to expirence the disappointmet of knowing that he just was not strong enough to hold a family together over and over again. I could have been in this disfunctional state for the next 50 years of my life....sheesh! It is kind of like in the movie Benjamin Button when he leaves because he knows in the long run it is not healthy for him to be around. In the long run it was not healthy for me and my son to have OEO around. And yes, Cat, he IS broke and I can see that crystal clear. I also can now understand that this is why he had to leave.

I look at OEO as a drug addict. When they are around normal, healthy people the feel dirty and can see their disfunctional behavior. So what do they do? They surround themselves with other drug addicts to normalize their life. When they are conversing with the scum of humanity they dont feel so bad for the choices they are making. Well, Ow is the scum that they find confort with. She is part of the sickness, not me. She is helping him to feel better about himself while I remind him that his choices are not right. I get that and I am letting it go. He gets to live in his sick existance of his life while I have been doing so much hard work to move on and get healthy. I know that the anger I felt was part of the process. I HAD to go through that in order to come out of the tunnel. This is all a journey and the anger was part of it. I am letting it go now because I dont need it any longer.

Thanks Karen for being there for me as well. I see he is the messed up one now. There was a point where we both were sad and sick but now it is just him. I am good and feeling so hopeful for my future. I can look back at my relationship and appreciate the good times while understanding that he was not someone who could weather the hard times. I know I will one day find that person, but only when I am ready for it. I look at this as an opportunity....an opportunity for me to take a moment to really find me. I no longer have the distraction of someone else to muddy the water. I now can truly just focus on my needs and happiness. That is very refreshing and freeing. OEO has chosen a very differnt path. He has chose to crawl among snakes to medicate his life instead of doing the true work of finding ones self. I actually feel sorry for him at this point. I have grown while he continues to medicate in order to just get by. I could not imagine living with that much fear and doubt. They say that the best revenge is to live well....yes, I am living well but it is not for revenge. I actually feel very sorry for OEO at this point, but not too sorry. After all, he is the one who chose this path. I am just able to make the best of this situation, not him.