Partner left after 9 years - He's 'confused' now

[25yearsmlc]

get a DB coach asap if you can at all. I KNOW it costs money but the peace of mind you'll get knowing you tried everything will be worth it and I found them so helpful and I did see a number of t's with h. They were helpful to an extent but H could not be "reached" at that time. So I went on my own after he left to stay sane and know what to do. I was very interested in what was best for the kids and that was the priority.

Many questions about how to act when h was around, since we have kids, a home, etc. and other reasons...(later for that) For me, most t's thought I should just file and be done.

One T was more of a DBer and I did like him, and so did H. But I needed someone for ME only. But the suggestions I got from the DB coach was so solution focussed and specific, it made the single biggest difference for my m. That and some things listed herein.

"Keep the road home paved and smooth" also applied, so don't be telling everyone about Helen as others won't forgive or forget and will make it harder for your bf to come home. The shame of others knowing can force the WAS to stay away as it's too hard to overcome the stares of all the people they fear are judging them.

RE the right "attitudes" around bf when he contacts you and physical interactions...different thoughts on that. You have to Set boundaries that are ok with you and try to enforce them if you keep choosing to keep them, but be open to "negotiations within". But there is no set rule on this. Good People disagree, arguing that sex with the WAS = having his cake and eating it too, etc. They have a point. But DB coach said it's "not the job of the LBSer to show the WAS the consequences of his actions; life does that." That really struck a chord of truth in me. No matter what you feel like doing, ask yourself what your goal and or motivation is, before you do it. Beware of those who recommend "Showing him" or saying things like "Well, he doesn't deserve 'X'" b/c they are being punitive and that is not going to get you anywhere. But if you find yourself feeling cheapened or used, stop. Search within and make sure it isn't false pride or the desire to inflict pain on him. You'll have to know the diff between that, and setting/enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. You are in a contest with Helen in a real way, and yet, it's unfair to put you in that position b/c she hasn't held his head up after the flu, or paid bills, or done whatever ones does in a 9 year R and she has only been "fun" in bed. Well, there's more to life than that. But, I have to repeat an earlier question, why didn't you ever marry each other? Was he always afraid of commitment or were you? Did he take that as rejection or a lack of safety?

Intimacy----I don't know many men who come back home to women they never had great sex with, unless the duties of fatherhood call them to do so and even then...not so sure I've ever seen it.. And my DB coach gave me the advice to "Contrast the warmth/loving/laughing nature of life HERE, with US, to the other life of the manly man in Alaska, alone....in the cold and dark."

Don't believe there was OW in our sitch, but even if there were, same "rule" seemed to apply and made sense to me. And worked.

Here are some other things that helped my sitch but mind you, I did back slide every week or so, and went 2 steps forward and one backwards, etc. No one is perfect, we are in pain, and no one set of rules applies.... Some of these things however, seem almost universal in that the DB books hammer them and from what I know, make sense.

A) I initiated NO R talk, and that seems to be a big rule around here. So don't do it and end the damn conversations first. If R talk comes up from bf, LISTEN, and if he revises too much you can say, you "don't recall it that way" but validate his feelings at that moment.

B) Lose the anger, at least in front of the WAS. I tried not to show it to him and at times had to do some "exercises" to work out the anger I felt. H WAS unfair and life was and my life was hard as heck due to his selfishness. That is simply true. But then, what to do?

As I GAL, the conversations were more and more often ended by me as I was "happily upbeat but busy..." and getting on with my life. "Meeting interesting people, going to exciting places and doing fun, fascinating things..." became my mantra, literally. My friends thought it was hilarious and it made the point, albeit with humor. Also,

C) LAUGH easily and often and hard. Important to simply enjoy each other's company, even if it isn't hilarious, it can be "fight free" for awhile, and then build on that slowly. Let the WAS feel safe with you...

GAL continued as did 180s ---- I Started looking at overseas jobs since for the first time, I would not have to think of H and his flippin' career FIRST...but could think of what I wanted and needed. H noticed and seemed scared. I was upbeat though. Also thanked him for things like having paid all the bills for years. I WOULD have complained as I was stressed out to the max one night and idiot h had forgotten to pay electric bill and said I needed to do it all since h wasn't there.....
I wanted to hit him through the phone.

But b/c of DBing, when h said, "Hey! Don't complain b/c I've paid them for years and it's stressful and you never helped and blah blah blah!!" and I could tell he expected me to wail on him, which I sure wanted to do. Instead I said, "yes you did pay them all those years and I want to THANK YOU for doing the bills so long b/c it is a drag for sure." He was stunned and said, after a minute, "You're welcome". A 180 for both of us for sure!

OTher advice I got that also seemed to work AND helped ME...when talking about h's work issues or whatever HE brought up, OTHER THAN R, was to "listen like a lover" so he will confide in you and that will build intimacy of other kind, and to "applaud loudly for the 1% of the good things he does/says" and believe me, sometimes that is "Mother Teresa Hard" to do. Your partner may feel a lot of guilt and shame and I assume he does given the givens. My h felt guilty and for him, that usually leads to lashing out as he does not handle remorse very well. Has a high self esteem in that sense so when he screws up, his ego can't handle it I guess. Don't know. My h went through a terribly selfish phase and may still be struggling with it.

As for your bf's "secret shame" he has to know for certain that you will never throw it in his face whatever it is. That's huge. Sounds as if Helen is good for his ego b/c she is not such a great catch, makes him comparatively "better" or more the good catch in the couple. Make sense? There's not a lot you can do about that, unless you want to become a loser...just kidding.

He has a lot of "Stuff" to work on and frankly, as is, you may be better off right now just doing for yourself. The good news is that you have great memories of the ml and so will he...
Except after you guys ml, you could also have a conversation too....hmmm, how weird.
j-