She refuses right now to talk to anyone. I think when I get her calmed and get some of this external stressors out of the way, she may be more obliged to talk to someone, professionally. Not a shrink but a counselor. Someone she can talk to without being judged or having her parents will pressed upon her.
fyi my son reminded me that every time he went "confidentially" to talk about bullying at school, his identity was revealed. Even when he was merely a witness and not a victim, then he'd become a victim for "snitching"... eventually our son grew into a 6'3" 200lb state champion wrestler...but I have two daughters too. And for better or worse, they can't get it all out by pinning someone down on a mat or punching them in the nose. Instead the verbal, backstabbing goes on, spiraling...
Glad you "get it". One thing, you keep saying things like "why do you think I'm doing x'? and pushing for 'y'?" and my answer is, I have no reason to know why you are doing these things except for what you say here. The bullying comment was lost in a flurry of other stuff about you and your w. So, anyhow, at least this will get your mind off w and maybe, you and your d's can do something fun or different. Plan an activity with them and do it, something that does not remind you of w, or the "lack of family." I never get it when someone says having fun only reminds them of what they've lost...would they prefer being miserable?
At some point, even if your w had died, you'd eventually want to show your children that life DOES go on and that they, and you, CAN and WILL be happy again. Why wait any longer? Why not start now? You really have to get your mind off the negatives, AND your daughter's. Any way you can take a trip or camp or go somewhere with the girls' "buy in"? Have them vote, etc.? I suggested this to someone else b/c it helped my d19 (then 16) to focus on positives and we researched Italy and chose places to go and NONE of it was about h or our M etc. What a good healthy thing and I'm so grateful we went. The kids talk of the trip often and honestly I think it was VERY noticed by h. Confused him, we were having fun and a life, and he was alone....Maybe he little resented but then, I doubt he'll "forget" to schedule time or make time for a trip like that again. I'll never again put a trip like that on hold.
Take things OFF of hold and go do them. GAL, and protect your girls. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We talked about a little tonight and she says it really doesn't bother her emotionally, its just dealing with it in school. She says she's not drepressed she know what depressed is and she isn't. anymore talk about it and I'll move out.
she seems very aggravated to me, especially this week. She is a 17 year old girl who just found out her ex boyfriend has leukemia, her best friends grandma dies that she knew real well, all this with school and the ongoing family saga. I was told to not push her or critisize or anything, she wil come out of it on her own. Sounds like familiar advice. I told her I am here for her anything, if anything seems like it is getting too tough, tell me, let's see if we can't get thru your situation together. I won't make more out of it because it seems to fuel her rage.
My MIL is coming north Wednesday for a week. she is spending two nights here with me because W has only one room. I am sure W will be sleeping here. First time since September when her mom left for Florida. I have a few things I willget done before she gets here. I am sure she will be impressed with things around the house, MIL not W.
I am doing well staying away and limiting thoughts about W. When the thoughts dome in the rage pushes 'em out. the walk is going good, I am talking to myself out loud now. Back to the gym and it felt great. My buddy was playing last night and I guess I was on everyones lips last night. He told me I could run for mayor down there and win. He told me, "I'm telling you, the way you are, confient hold your head up and telling jokes to everyone, you are the guy everyone wants to be with". Very nice to hear.
Not sure what is up tonight. Really want to get some things done, but I am tired of sitting here. We'l see. The walk is good and I am feeling a little, less chained...Good choice of words on your part. Older D called last night and told me she is trying to get a hold of her mother. She was being crazy about it. she was saying things like what if there was an emergency we can't get a hold of her. I told her well thats between you and her. she asked me if I have talked to her and I said no. Not since last friday and that qwas that.
Anyway, followed up with her this morning and she was better. she just wanted to call to tell her about MIL coming up because MIL couldn't get hold of her.
Anyway this rage thing is working for me. although I can already feel that energy draining. Which is good , don't get me wrong, the energy comes from pain and anger and as it dies, so will the rage. Hopefully I'll be over the hump. If not, I am sure that will generate a little more fuel. There is a new thread started called DA, Dettach anonymous. I have read some of them and I will surely participate there. Thanks for looking in on me. D17 will be fine, I 'll still hawk her, but for the most part I will leave her be as she has insisted. HAve a great weekend, mine, hopefully will be busy. Need some motivation. Church early tomorrwo, back to the gym and then the plaster moulding, maybe a little painting and hanging a shelf. I hope I get the motivation to do at least that much.
LD, two things. What did you mean when you said "anymore talk about it and I'll move out"? I mean, you KNOW your d's want to be able to count on at least ONE parent...be that one. Better yet, be one of two, no matter what else w does.
Second, I would LOVE to put the plaster moulding up and know wth I'm doing. I bought a tile cutter and wanted to finish a floor myself but chickened out, have painted 9 rooms and they were not small. Venetian plastered too. I liked it. Seriously. H said "nice job" sometimes. Guess it makes him feel un useful but hey, you have to be here to get stuff done and this house needs a lot to be done. It's a nice house in a nice area but needs "updating" and that was the reason for the flooring and painting.
Bet your mil will be impressed but make sure you accept the compliments graciously IF they come and don't "expect" them. Be upbeat and hospitable as your mil is your children's grand parent and deserves respect. Plus, the better you look to mil, the better you'll look to your d's and ...who knows who else?
I totally understand your d's need to be able to reach the absent parent. I saw to it that my kids knew how to reach their dad if something happened to me, for one thing. And they needed to be reminded that the absent parent DOES love them so you may want to take the high road there and reassure them. Your w will also appreciate that. Even if she says nothing. Doesn't matter as it is for your daughter's sake that you say this. Never let your anger at w exceed your love for them.
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yeah, it was D17 who said it remarking on talking about her being depressed. I guess mayby W was saying it to her because I have said nothing about unitl the school meeting. who knows.
yeah I am scraping of the ruined palster today and will get the patching done. went online and found a website that gave very simple and good procedures for repairs.
Me and my MIL are very very close. she is one of my best friends actually. She will think everything is awesome. she always does. I have already got her bedroom all set. I spoke with her last night and she still is very upset about this. she loves me very much and doesn't want us to be apart. I sauid neither do I. that's all I would committ to as far as commnets.
Went to church this morning, not a lot there, another snowstorm hit us this morning. went to the gym, shoveled the driveway and just had a great dinner. I make the very best meatloaf. Its the Irish in me.
d17 didn't call me last night like I asked her to, but I didn't call hounding her either. I don't want her to think I am controlling. she will call today of that I have no doubt. I prayed today for her, for God to make my little girl happy again, to take away some of this grief and pain from her, and give it to me. I can handle it. thought a lot last night as I slept, thought aboput lots of things with regard to me, some things I liked, most things i didn't , more self valuation. Got up feeling ok, had coffee went to church and prayed my heart out to Him. Walking with Him is good, but now the path is heading down a little. I am hoping its not some kind of sign, just a variation in the path. i didn't exactly think it would be straight and level anyway. But it is going good. Can I ask you something? Have you ever seen yourslef in a dream or imagfe and are you younger. I have white hair, only 48, its hereditary. In my dreams my hair is dark brown like when I was back in high school. I know the meaning of it, it is a throw back to a time when I controlled me, no one else and I was accoutnable to myself for anythng I did. I was confident, well liked, aggressive, open, friendly, kind and well, loved. I see myself in this image and dream this way becasue it is where I am heading to . To come full circle. I have in many respects. Now this will complete it. Just thought I'd ask. some people do, some don't...
My love for kids and my boys, is never an issue with anything in my life. No amount of pain, anger or internal suffering I have, detracts from that. It is my beacon, it is what gets me through, it also confues me as to why she couldn't love someone who loves so deeply, so unconditionally and consistently... Not my problem...She'll figure it out one day, Only God knows if I'll still be there for her...
sorry to be superficial, but why don't you color your hair? I mean, getting it done professionally, not doing it by yourself since it usually shows if you don't know what you are doing. It'll make you look years younger. Seriously. I have some gray at the roots and so I have it done every 6 weeks. When my s22 noticed some gray roots in spots coming in (I was a little overdue) he was amazed. He said, "God MOM, you look so old with gray hair. Go look young!!" He was only half kidding.
And at my HS reunion, my gf's and I were amazed at how many MEN didn't color their hair. ALL the women did, with maybe one or two exceptions and we, the women in the class, looked a lot better and younger and couldn't believe the guys wouldn't color their hair. Being bald is a drag that the guy cannot help. Gotta just suck it up and be manly about it and many guys pull it off really well. But all white hair? Okay, I apologize if this sounds really superficial, but I don't get that. So what if it's hereditary? No one tries to get white hair.
Getting in shape and coloring your hair will do amazing things for you and boy, talk about an obvious 180 that your w will literally SEE....but please, at least once, get it done professionally. It'll look natural and great. If you fear change too much, then do it more gradually but that costs more. (Very Bill Clinton by the way. He'd do it "gradually" when he was in office the first term).
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are too funny. No, i like it this color, its my trademark. I get compliments how I look like Richard Gere. Getting in shape is always on my agenda. i have found this reason and that for not going back, so i put together a new rioutine and it works.
The woman who does my hair, I asked her about it and she said , naw, it wouldn't be you. I keep it short, looks much better I have been told. w liked it long, but with the color I looked more like Jerry Garcia than Richard Gere. I have thought about it, but it isn't me. People who know me know I am not into that. I like the gym, I am hitting it very hard.
Just bitched out D17 on the texting thingy. she never called me like she is supposed to. She apologized. I told her i miss hearing from you when you are not here. You are my peanut you know. she came back and said she was sorry, she is fine. Loves me will call me when she needs a ride. Asked me what I did last night. I was gonna go to a dance instead I cleaned. she was mad I stayed home. Cute, real cute....
D17 feels real bad. she asked iof she could stay aty her friends tonite. No school tomorrow some kinda holiday. anyway she said I'll call yuou to say good night and tell you about my weekend.
Church was hard for me again today. don't know why really. Prayed for D17 like I said. My self valuation last night didn't help me much. I asked again for her to come home. Brought tears to my eyes and made me squeeze my hands so hard I think I broke a blood vessel, LOL. All I got was a image in my mind of my walk, so I guess we'll walk some more. I was fine when I left tho, made me feel good leaving, like i am getting more and more comfort from my belief and my Faith in both Him and me. Mass was good, don't really remember a lot, again..Mostly it was about Jesus disciples and their names and the question of "what do you want?". Very perplexing question when you think about it, not that easy to answer. Took me all day, but my response is, My quality of life to improve.
MIL called me and she was sober, thank the Lord for that. she is so nice. and like I said one of my best friends. I told her her room is all set, I will cook Saturdaty morning so there will be plenty of food for Satruday afternoon , saturday night and Sunday dinner I'll cook a ham. I am actually a very good cook, once again, the Irish in me. I'll take a bow now.
she never mentioned wifey. I found it odd, but comforting. she never asked about her staying over, I assumed it. I still will. Should I pull out the sleep sofa for her or tell her she can sleep with me, we're still married? LOLOLOL.....
I cracked myself up with that thought today. Today was good forme. I do like realxing I find. My job has a lot of tension, strwesss and morons....So when I can take a break from that and my personal life dramas, I jump on the opportunity. Let's me be with Him, one on one. get to talk out loud and no one thinks I'm nutz...The walk conitues. I don't think the path going downward for a bit menas anything. I tinks its just with the landscape of where I see myself. Still o trees, thank God, no more thorns. Just grass and rocks mostly. The path is clear, not paved, but well packed. There is only one, so I gues that means there is on;y one path that leads to me. No fork inthe roads, so wherevever I am heading is where I wanna be.
I'm gonna ask D29, D21 and D17 bout the hair coloring. I look youngetr than my age already. I have very thick hair, strong, good skin and no age lines. With all i have been thru the past 4.5 years i should look like a troll...LOL...I'll keep you posted about the hair color.
Well, color debates aside, what I heard from you is that it'd be a 180' for you...to color it...and I'm curious about what it looked like before it was all white. I was at my hs bf's wedding decades ago (we stayed close obviously) and even though he was just 30 y/o, it was almost all white and he looked like Santa Claus. I was, frankly, relieved I'd married h b/c he was aging well and hs bf was not. But hey, Richard Gere??? Hmm not bad! (Then again, Richard Gere looked even better before the gray. It's just a thought. Ask your girls...??)
As for the prayers, here's my two cents on that. I prayed a lot during H's MLC, for years. Eventually I stopped praying for h to "get it" or come right home. Instead, I prayed for God's will to be revealed to me, as in, "Stay or go?" for ME, and the strength to do whatever His will was. Of course He knows what our hearts wishes are, but it isn't up to us to say what should be done by someone else.
Sometimes, we know what we want, but God always knows what we need. Ask for the guidance to know His will, and the strength to follow it, and do what you can to avail yourself of the tools and people He puts in your life.
But if you keep on demanding Your wish list, I think you're missing some of what the whole "growth and peace within", lessons are. IMHO, of course.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You're right about the prayers. The reason I posted it was that I had stopped praying for that and to let me know, stay or go. As FH posted to me last week, I got my sign when I got no response, WAIT. The walk continues.
I was mostly gray and white by the time I was 30 alos. I do age well. My hair was dark brown when I was a kid. Everyone has told me how good I look lately and the richard Gere thing has come out a few times in the last two months.
Brief dreams of her last night. Nothing significant. But I was relieved that I actually dreamwed of her. I was worried I had blanked her out. Another busy week in paradise this week. I will also be spending serious time around the house this week with MIL coming over and W possibly spending time there as well. I went thru the house last night and there is some painting that needs to get done and a couple of other small things that I should be able to do by thursday night. MIL will most likely be over Saturday morning.
I am mostly praying for me to get htru this mess and my D17 with her issues. W is where she is by her choice. W is looking for the pot of gold. If everyt hing I have been reading is true, then her journey should lead her back. "Should". I won't dwell on it. Money is tight. Not hqaving the money she owes for insurance hurts, but I amnot going to pursue her for it. she doesn't have it and I know that. I was calling for the sake of calling and pursuing. I'm just gonna suck it up and see what happens. Most likely I will see her this weekend. i will not bring it up. I will just keep to the occassion of MIL being home and enjoy the conversation and what not.
Meeting with school today and getting D17 into this Alpha program. They couldn't get hold of my W,so I called her yesterday at work. told her the time and everything and she said she's try to get there, a lot going on with her mother coming in and she was going to pick her up, and all kinds of hemming and hawing. I told her if you don't make it I'll fill you in. She said she'd call me if anything changes. She called my house yesterday and spoke to D17 and told her she was going to pick her up after work. she doesn't work on wednesdays, whatever. Older D called and siad her mother told her she couldn't pick up MIL because of this meeting. D29 may not be able to either so we'll see.
D17 seems to be showing her mothers attitude towards me, seems to be distancing herself. It worries me a little. Went to bed last night, prayed and then this I kept saying over and over without any rhyme or reason, "She's not coming back, we're never going to be together again" I just kept saying it out loud over and over at least 50 times. I prayed for that thought to stop, but it wouldn't. Got up this morning and couldn't say it, made me feel better. I just couldn't say it.
Don't know what it was, maybe prepping myself for a stand off attitude when I see her today. I will be very pleasnat and nice, cheerful but concerned. My grandson got bit by a dog in the face yesterday. He's ok, but io guess it was a good one, little dog, but still a bite.
Not looking forwad to seeing W today or when her mother is up. She told me on the phone there is something she needed to ask me, but she couldn't remember. My son had called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if my W had called me. I said no, why would she call me, I am not part of her life, she never calls me. He said, oh, just wondering. So something is up, God only knows.
Prayed for the image of my walk last night. finally got it and I am still walking and moving a long, slow and steady, last image I can remember before I fell off to sleep.
