I have read in places not to tell WAW that I love her when I communicate with here...I have LC with her to speak with my children who are with her. But I seem to get the opposite answer from what I read on rejoicemarriageministries.org. So, what's the answer?
My opinion........ don't say it to her. If she's not saying it back, you're reminding her that she doesn't have those feelings right now.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Yes it falls under the category of "pressure" and will probably make her irritated/guilty/withdraw more.. which is counter productive to what you are trying to do here.. to make her feel safe and comfortable to approach you. Dont do it!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I sure would not. I started down the road to personal success when I stopped saying things like that or wearing my ring. By success I don't mean saving my marriage but my sense of self respect and my ability to a man that I am proud of and that my kids can look up to. I don't want to try to read to much into your circumstances so let me just say in a very generic way that you have to be there for yourself first before you are any good to anyone else. Take care of you. That is what the WAW is is doing.
Your WAW needs to know that you love her in her own mind and heart - I think that is very important. If she doesn't know that then she needs to know you love her. If you rarely told her before then a 180 would let her know you love her.
But depending on where she is in her state of mind and where you are in your state of mind. Telling her you love her now is seen as clinging, last ditch effort to "get back what you want", not what she wants.
If she feels out of love with you already, then you are just pushing her farther away.
At this point, love is just being there for her when she wants it, not being demanding or pushy, giving her what she wants above all else.
And during that time work on understanding what happened and make yourself a better man.
Me:40 / W:33 / D:3 T:7.5/M:4 D Day: 1/24/08 Legal Separated: 6/12/08 BF who sleeps over: confirmed 11/10/08 Suspect BF pre-dates D Day
Do not put pressure on her that si not Dbing.... If you have told her that you love her she heard you the first time re; Michelle's advise ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
I was telling my W I love her. She was telling me I love you too. But lucky me also got an explanation. " I love you, but I am not in love with you" or " I love you as a friend. For me it turned out to be a negative. I think you can tell if it is hurting the sitch or not if you really pay attention.
Me 41 W 44 Together 7 years Married 6 Bomb Dec 2 08
When I was an almost WAW and my H would say it, I knew he was just trying to get me to say it back to him. I wouldn't and then he would be upset. WAW's are very smart in knowing their H's and what and why they are doing all of that. So, be careful b/c she doesn't want to hear it now. She will resent it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's great to hear some personal success. I have a question for you - I am seperated and my wife is going for a quick divorce. Did you take off your wedding ring as I am condemplating whether to or not. I do not want to look as though I am pursuing, but I believe in commitement and the marriage vows and would not feel comfortable taking it off. did it make a difference to your wife?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
You will find a lot of books and Internet sites that have much information on improving marriage relationships, but few are as good...if any....as Divorce Busting. B/c DB is not just how to make a marriage "better".....it is how to bust a pending divorce! I have not read that much of the site you mentioned but I have an idea about it. I would suggest that you stick with the techniques of DB. I was an AWAW and when my H would tell me he loved me, I felt anything but loving feelings toward him and if fact, I would say the word "despise" comes to mind. So, does that give you a better picture of how a WAW wants to hear it?
I would strongly.....very strongly tell you to not smother her with words of love and affection of she is wanting to leave you. If she has another person on her mind......you are the farthest thing she wants near her.
Harsh words to hear, but it is the truth and if you want to know what to do that is the right technique instead of pushing her farther away.....you better stick with DBing.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
