In a nutshell, I've been getting hang up phone calls the past couple months. Yesterday, former OM didn't hang up. He started with how much he loves me, and ended with how I have ruined his life. I told him I'm repairing my marriage and he can't call me. He said he was going to change his phone number and he didn't want me to EVER call him and he would NEVER call me again. I hope this is true.
Yesterday when I tried to post on here it wouldn't let me so I have been getting advice from Sara from email. Thank goodness.
Just wanted to update my sitch and if anyone thinks that it is easy to leave an OM, it is not. I knew that leaving OM would be hard, and I knew he would make it hard. Those of you that have spouses that haven't left yet or are trying to, this is what may be going through their heads. They know it will be awful.
Even after all the pain in your life, you continue to post on here helping others. You amaze me WDID.
THANK YOU.
And you did the right thing. All of us here know it won't be easy. But all we want is the chance. You gave your marriage a chance and you are seeing the reward. Keep up the good work.
Two questions. How did his call make you feel? Did you tell H about it?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Do not break no contact with OM. You spoke to him. Hopefully, it will end there. But I doubt it. Speaking to him prolongs it. You think you are being nice and helping him to see. The only thing he will understand is a brick wall. You must not take calls. If he persists then you will need a restraining order. Do not encourage him!
In a nutshell, I've been getting hang up phone calls the past couple months. Yesterday, former OM didn't hang up. He started with how much he loves me, and ended with how I have ruined his life.
Well, you didn't ruin his life, he did. I'm so sick of those that mess up and then blame others for that. And if he really loved you he would do as you ask and let you work on your marriage. I think he's being selfish and thinking of himself. And if he calls again, maybe just hang up after you realize it's him??? Karen
Hope- The call made me feel caught off guard, brought up feelings of missing him/the past (the fantasy part), but quickly turned to realization as he responded to my "staying with my H" talk. He became angry and started listing all of the bad things I did to him. Then, I started feeling guilty for "ruining his life".
I didn't tell my H. I still might. But, things are going so well with H, I don't want him thinking about this. If I told him he would be supportive, etc., but it would put this back to the forefront and my H lets his mind control him sometimes. I'd like to have a good sex life, and I know this kind of thing will put yet another block in it. He wouldn't be mad, his mind would just focus on thoughts of it. I'm not going to do that to him, or us. I did talk to a pastor about it, and he agreed. It would make me feel good to talk to him about it, but it wouldn't be good for my H. I will talk to you guys about it instead. If he finds out, he won't be mad that I didn't tell him. I know he would understand if I explain why I didn't. I know my H.
Sara- You know the whole story about former OM and his erratic behavior and issues so I know that is why you are saying what you are. I will not answer calls and let answering machine take it or let H take it. Anyone that really needs to get ahold of me has my cell number and I can answer that. Since I didn't get another call the next day, I'm pretty sure that he is done calling. If he calls again, I will need to tell H, and we will need to proceed with more action.
Karen- Intellectually I know you are right. Former OM is the one that made his choices as well. I can't help but think how I influenced him and convinced him in those decisions. Yes, he is being selfish. But, I know I contributed to him hurting. I can't do anything about it, though. So, I just feel bad. Not sad anymore, just bad.
Today is a good day. No missing feelings for former OM, nothing like that. Thoughts of his call, etc. But, no longing for him or anything like that. H and I have been relaxing, reading the paper, drinking coffee, just hanging together at home. It's good.
You have done so much work to get your marriage back on track. If nothing else I think it should show you how strong you have become and that you are focused on the real prize...your H.
I know this has been hard on you and I am not trying to belittle the weight of the situation, but you are doing great. Here to talk if you need to .
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
whatdidido, I thought I would just offer my thoughts on what I'd like my wife to do if OM were calling back.
I would like for her to tell me and then let me help her deal with it. You can make your H feel that you need his help to deal with the OM. It will both re-enforce your commitment to your H and let him have some say in how to handle the problem.
Wouldn't your R be stronger if you did not have any secrets between you? The OM is a problem for you both.
I went back and forth on this, this weekend. I really wanted to tell him. But, I know him. He won't want to know this.
If I told him he would be wonderful, I have no doubt. He would be supportive and he would help me. But, it would be a mind block for him in other ways.
JWM, we are finally going in the right direction. We are kissing and feeling good. It has taken a Lonnnnnng time to get here. I'm not telling him for him and for us.
If former OM calls again, I will have to tell him and we will have to do more. But I sure hope that doesn't happen because former OM will have more power in our relationship than I want him to have. H and I are done with the past and are moving forward.
First of all, you give me hope, of which I have none right now. You are a sliver of moonlight on a very dark night.
Second, I think if he did call back, I would just hang up as soon as you realized it was him. And keep doing that. If it keeps up, change to a new private unlisted number. Maybe call the phone company and see if they can block certain numbers from calling you??? I don't know why I think they can do this, but if it shows up on the caller ID, then why can't we block certain numbers from calling?
Something to think about anyway. Good luck!
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
And if he really loved you he would do as you ask and let you work on your marriage. I think he's being selfish and thinking of himself. And if he calls again, maybe just hang up after you realize it's him??? Karen