Two WAS's- is it really meant to be or walk away?

[NikB]

Hi there L_L,

Told you I'd stop by eventually! Sorry it took me so long.

I'm so glad you and Trixi found each other as it seems you have quite a bit in common.

Ugh.. 2 separations.. the 2nd one I swear is so much harder than the 1st in some ways. It's "easier" in that you know what to do, but harder in that I think it's almost even more painful - like, "we tried our best and it STILL wasn't enough."

H and I separated once, pieced awhile, talked about separating (and kinda lived "separated in house" for awhile). We've been working on things for the 8 months or so... although the last 2 things seem to be deteriorating again. Not to get too much into my "background" just wanted to let you know I really hear where you're coming from!

I am so proud of you for moving to the place you always wanted to live and really building a life for yourself! So many people do it to "show" the WAS something but it looks like you really did detach and do it for YOU, and I'm really glad. You're loving life again - that is something you NEVER want to lose.

This is from an older post, but wanted to comment on it:

-He gets angry with me when I'm not easily reachable or don't respond to his messages right away. (Good or bad effect here?)

I would say - it doesn't really matter. If he doesn't want to commit to you, you have no obligation to be readily available to him (especially with no kids in the picture, there is NOTHING that you need to be "always available" for). I do think that generally it's probably good though. It means he cares.

Although I see from your newer posts that the contact has pretty much dropped off. My first thought was that he doesn't "want" to care anymore and the getting angry made him see that he did, so he stopped contact completely. Or, he could be really working on detaching completely - it's hard to say.

The first time he had an EA a year after we were married and I just cried and stayed with him, while he ignored me for about 6 months.

OMG.. I can so relate to this. I actually tried to be friends with the <expletive omitted> for about 8 months. Talk about tearing yourself down! It's an awful position to be in - really kills your self respect. I am so glad you're a lot stronger than that, now.

But, I also know I deserve someone who admits he loves me and wants to be with me-permanently. Looking back, it's kind of clear that *I* have been the one who keeps saving our M, not him..

You sure do!! You deserve to be loved and cherished.

(from Trixi) An author says that we women need to quit doing all the work in our relationships and "lean back" and let the guy do the work; that the natural order of things is that the GUY is supposed to DO for us and that WE accept their offerings, not the other way around. (Heh-I like the advice, just have a helluva time following it myself.)

This is awesome advice, Trixi!! It's actually something *I* needed to hear right now, too. So thanks. I do agree with this. It's natural I think for us to rush in and "do stuff" hoping it will help things improve, when it often times does the opposite. I've been guilty of a lot of that lately, too.

Part of me wants to ponder more about have I done everything possible yet to save my M? I have 2 months to D date- perhaps I could give it a last shot. Maybe it makes me feel better to know I have done or tried everything possible.

I do know I deserve better and I wonder if I should just totally give it up right now. Part of me thinks I could try a few more things until the D/March court date, but if nothing changes by then forget it.

I really think the ball is not in your court right now, in terms of "trying a few more things."

I told him I didn't want to be 'friends' if we got a D. Part of me wonders did I discourage him from calling me anymore then or was it good that I was standing up for myself?

Well.. if it's true that you don't want to be friends if you D, then does this matter? You were open and honest about it. And you stood up for yourself and respected yourself. How on earth could those be bad things? What's the alternative? Be a doormat and hope THAT looks attractive? Or let yourself be hurt even more than you already have been "just in case" it "works"?

But, I wish he was the person I used to know, I wanted to be with that man I knew when I was 20, that's what I thought I was getting

I think this happens so much, but we forget that as life goes on and we get older - things change, people change. Sometimes together, sometimes the changes bring them closer to each other - sadly a lot of times, not. You don't want your 40 year old H acting like he's 20...

I think what it really is, is that we want to FEEL the way we felt when we were with them in those days - loved, cherished, #1 in their life.

Could I really influence him enough to change? Any advice?

No... I'm sorry to say, but I don't think so. You have done everything "right" in terms of taking good care of yourself, making yourself whole and happy and strong on your own. If he wants to change, he'll change. I don't think you have any influence over him making that choice at this point, though.

Maybe that is the lesson life is teaching me right now. How to have extraordinary PMA.

Great attitude!! Maybe you're right. How to keep positive when you have so much negative being thrown at you.

Good luck to you on the job! I bet once you've got your own place and a job you'll begin to feel a little bit more comfortable and a little bit less "weird" about your new life.

You shouldn't fault yourself any more, L_L. You have done EVERYTHING you could and I'd argue, even more than that. I think the best thing you can do right now is truly let go and get through the D as best you can.

If the future holds something different for you and STBXH - you'll find that out, eventually.