DA Club

[silvagod]

This is a thread for members of DA (detachers anonymous) to post their thoughts, feelings, progess and news into.

The DA club was started by JDOllie, WhatevetItTakes and myself to offer each other support whilst going through a period of NC with our WASs. We have another member GFI and a 'junior' member, pearlharbor.

At the moment, the original 3 of us are into a 12 days stretch of NC. The postings were all over the place in various threads, so this is to centralise them a little.

Over to you guys!

[silvagod]

Oh, and feel free to join, no membership fees but PLENTY of support and help

[JDOllie]

Day 2 for me!

We had proposed and accepted a rule 1:
If your spouse contacts you and initiates a pleasant conversation, this does not restart your self-imposed regimen of going dark.

I'd also like to propose a rule 2 for those of us with shared pets and kids:
Initiating a call to spouse for the sole purpose of scheduling, etc, for kids or pets also does not restart your regimen.

Of course, this is an honor system, so rules are arbitrary!

[silvagod]

Lol, JD.

Rule 2 accepted and agreed. It's only fair that if there are 'others' to consider, that this should be the case.

Day 6 for me now, and I feel better than ever!

[whateverittakes]

Rule #2 agreed. Given my sitch, I will only be contacting h in an emergency situation.

My detachment is strangely not weakened by the following information which is the first real "news" of h in over a month. It came to me today through a mutual friend who has known h longer than I have:

H is drinking alot.
H is lonely.
H hasn't slept a full 8 hours since separation (10 months); still taking sleeping aids.
H feels like he "held me back".
H wishes that so much hadn't happened between us (referring to negative things).
He spoke positively of me.

Mutual friend thought that it was very unlikely that ow was on the scene in any significant way.

Not having contact is helping me heal right now. But this information does make me wonder what any future contact should look like.

Veronica, I would appreciate your advice and perspective. I will have a db coaching session before any future contact.

My h is a proud man. I hope he finds his way through this difficult time in his life. In my last e-mail to him (10 days ago), I told him that I had let go but that he still had my silent respect, admiration and support.

[silvagod]

WIT,

I know it may seem sad to hear of your H being in such a state with himself. You can't help him though, he has to find his own way.

The drinking sounds normal.
The lonely is about right (remember, you can't solve that one)
My W hasn't been sleeping either, it's thier mental state.
This is a typical view point. Feels inadequate, you deserve better, without him you could be. It's all about self esteem. They feel unloveable, they are in their current state even though WE love them, they don't love themsleves.
Looking back like that I would see as a chink in the armour, he is beginning to realise what you had even if it's only negative things at the moment.
Speaking positively of you, well that's good. My W does nothing but praise me to MIL. I heard that from her today. Seems a little weird, but after all, they know at their core how good we really are.

Once you feel strong enough, some contact (email) would be nice. Did you tell H that you still stood by your M when you told him you had let go?. I told my W that I still believed in us and our M despite what she had said and done and that whilst I respected her decision to be apart, I didn't agree that it was over. She should respect my choice as well.

MY W is proud and stubborn, they will work it our eventually. Whether we are here to see the results remains largely in our hands. We are the ones in control you know, not them.

Keep going WIT, you're doing well

[pearlharbr]

Junior member checking in.

Looking for suggestions on detaching while still sharing same house. I'm trying to be friendly without being a friend but I have a hard time walking that line. Too often I think I came off as aloof and BF stopped talking to me completely. He is so non-communicative and non-confrontational that he will never start a conversation. So I think I must initiate small talk to maintain a friendly and relaxed atmosphere in the house. How to do this and still detach?

[whateverittakes]

It's difficult, Pearl, I can appreciate that.

The db coach suggested treating my h like a good neighbour. Just chit-chat - weather, how was your day, talk about movies, something on TV, etc. No hovering, no neediness, no R-talk.

Perhaps start going to afternoon matinees so that you can talk about the movie you just saw.

Walk around in that nightie, pour yourself a glass of wine and flip on the TV. Rent funny movies and laugh ... loudly. Talk on the phone to a friend somewhere that he can hear you, and laugh. Set it up beforehand with your friends so that there's no serious talk, ask them to help get you laughing. If you usually sit talking on the phone whilst sitting in a chair, try lying on the floor with your feet up on the couch.. laughing, looking relaxed, like you're having a good time.

Be in the bathtub when he gets home, good music playing, a candle lit in the bathroom, door ajar. Say hello from the tub and come out wrapped in a small towel, holding a glass of wine, just to say a quick hello before you walk slowly to your bedroom or wherever it is you get dressed. Then get dressed to go out and go out... wherever. Very little chit-chat required in that scenario.

I suggest going out.. it may feel less artificial. But don't be too open about where you are going or with whom. Try to leave just as he is coming home so he can see you leaving all dressed up nicely with some perfume on and makeup ... if his schedule is unpredictable then you'll need some flexibility from friends, or just go out to a bar and have a drink by yourself. I used to do that alot when I was single and new to the city. He doesn't have to know you're doing it alone... "oh, I'm just going down to the pub for a vodka and soda"... or whatever.

Ask friends to leave you upbeat telephone messages about plans you have together and don't erase them. Give him an opportunity to hear them.

Ask a friend to just "drop by" when your BF is home... I did that just before Christmas and it was very effective. My friend told me that the look on my h's face was very telling... my friend and I were laughing and joking when he arrived, good music playing, the smell of good food throughout the house. I poured everybody a glass of wine and I'd asked my friend to make a point of including my h in the conversation. I just "happened" to have some good nibblies in the cupboard (things my h likes), etc. She was very cooperative and it really turned into a good interaction. My h had to leave but even I could tell that he didn't want to. This allows them to see another side of us, more dynamic and social.

Get a new hobby that you can do at home... knitting, practice yoga or read a completely different kind of book than you would normally. Get a different newspaper or news journal... you're expanding your horizons, you have more to talk about or perhaps someone you met that day suggested you read this or that.

I'm sorry to sound so artificial and "staged"... I'm actually a very straight-up and straight-forward woman. But I think your sitch calls for a bit of acting.. acting as if you're happy, not worried and anxious about what the future may hold.

Feel like I might get a 2X4 for this post.

[silvagod]

Pearl,

Thanks for checking in. I see detaching as moving away emotionally so they can't hurt you with their actions whilst still keeping them in your heart.

Going dark is another thing altogether, something that is nigh on impossible in your sitch. You can, as WIT says though, GAL, act aloof, above it all, not bothered, moving on etc etc.

WIT I aint giving you a 2 x 4 for that, I agree with you

[SingleDad]

I'll join the DA club.

I've been in and out of NC for months now. Kept regressing - even though no direct C, through Christmas weeks I was leaving a late night voicemail with my "thoughts about the situation" - major regressions.

last time I saw WAW was 12/29/08 and 12/30/08 when she had to pick up my D3, but no real conversation.

since then there WAW called me 1/6/09 about D3 schedule only. and 1/13/09 about Health Insurance.

We actually had a really nice conversation on 1/8/09 - about time with my D3. WAW wanted to sign up for swim classes for D3 and wanted me to take her - even when it was her time. Also this was the conversation about whose bed D3 sleeps in and eating - when WAW disclosed "I don't want to get into it, but 80-90% of the time I am (sleeping) alone (meaning without OM)."

Oh, and I regressed again 1/12 in a voicemail, after mentioning health, I told her that "I wanted to be friends with her - we really didn't that much during our M. I am sorry about that. I can't change the past. I do not think I even have much influence on the future"

So even though I thought I was NC for almost 3 weeks - I had two regressions - if those are regressions ????

But I guess I need to ask as far as detachment goes... clearly any backtracking by arguing or being clingy fails as far as detachment goes... big no no's. But what about good friendly conversations ?

Obviously friendly conversations are not NC, but as far as they can be positive moves in the right direction, does that violate the rules of DA ? I mean, DA and friendly conversations seem to be contradictory... But doesn't DA, when done properly, help in WAW wanting to have friendly conversations, as a positive end result - a goal of DA?

now, I'm confusing myself... help ??

Seems DA helps allow detachment so that any conversations going forward can be positive interactions in the right direction (as opposed to needy, clingy, R talk ) ??? Is that right ?