Partner left after 9 years - He's 'confused' now

[25yearsmlc]

amen to everything Saff just said. SHE HAS been through this and so have many of us. I'm one of 9 kids and have a sister who read loads into every single thing her ex h did, (except of course, leaving her for OW)....that part got less attention than her obsessing about how he signed a check for spousal support, and whether he left a message, which she checked hourly if not more, and how his hair was getting gray (so he must be sad and therefore will come back to her), etc.

I lost count of the YEARS she wasted waiting, wondering, obsessing and oh by the way, the friendships she ruined or stressed b/c she was a drag to be around. And a turn off for Other men too. Have you heard of the book/movie "He's Just Not That Into You"? Look, This isn't easy to say, or hear...but you may need to read it again and again. Your ex likely DID have feelings for you, as he must have for the other women you said he left. But that does not mean he's coming back. Didn't you say he has left other women before? Isn't this a pattern? And as for what the therapist says, did they meet your ex? Did they talk to him? Did you get couples therapy or is this just you going to figure out wth happened? And no t wants to say what we are saying, which is, move along. My younger sister kept seeing different Ts b/c she wanted "the secret" to getting her ex h back. Kept thinking if she only knew the right thing to say or do or dress right or lose all the weight she'd gained, THEN he'd see the error of his ways. But he married OW and that was in '95, and he's still married to OW, and they have kids together and now, a longer M than what he had with my sister, and that's that...sorry.

One other thing. Who cares if it's MLC or him just leaving? Because What's the diff?

I asked that question often when I was racking my brain trying to figure out wth my h of 25 years was doing back then. "How could he do this" WHY? WHY WHY?"
Well, first let me tell you a true story. Long ago I worked at a camp for kids with cancer, and one day a little girl (terminally ill) said to me that she "used to ask God why?" "Why me God? Why? Why?!!? Why? He didn't tell me the answer. And then I said to myself, I just am sick, and it just is. And now I'm trying to have a really fun time this summer...." and she skipped off to play (sort of). She died a year later but her words still echo in me. She was 10 years old. It just is. Okay? You have to GAL no matter what. IF there's a way to get him back, it's be GAL. If he isn't coming back, you have to GAL...see the beauty of GAL is that it's the correct approach no matter what. But the obsessing is a waste of your time. And pursuing may actually hurt your chances of recon, if there is a chance. So while we may not know what to do or say to get someone back, we Do know a lot of things to keep them away and not coming back...

Endless questions that have no real answer, rehashing the unchangeable past, worrying about what might happen next week/spring/year/decade are wasting the "nowness" of your life and it is the only thing you definitely do have; NOW.
No one has a crystal ball into the future and no one here gets a risk free course of action written in the sky for them. My recon m is a blessing but it was never totally clear to me, more like 55% vs 45% and I had a lot of people HERE telling me to hang in there...and that mattered a lot to me.


Now, MLC vs WAS???
That only makes a difference in terms of YOUR response to it internally, as your external actions are likely to be the same, GAL, 180's etc. True, it may give you more hope to think it's MLC but that's a two edged sword as it slows you down from moving on, IF your ex is a WAS. At first, WAS appear to be like MLCs, unless and until you realize the WAS has done this before....which your ex has. MLCers don't repeatedly leave...by definition the MLCer acts out of character in their weird "alien" phase and do things they've never said or done before... But with your ex, if I read this thread correctly, he sure looks like he's got a history of some or all of this. Sorry to say that, but is it True?

We on the DB board are here to support the restoration of marriage. Not every single M can or should be restored, b/c even MWD says some M's have to end. Some could later be re-started in new and better forms, and others are just dangerous for us emotionally, physically, whatever....including those with the familiarity of misery that is sooo "comfortable" that we'd rather do that obsessing and pining, than to let go and start over and get used to at least temporarily being alone.

That was my younger sister's biggest fear; being alone. Still directs most of her choices in life. Fear of being alone. IF there are signs of hope in your sitch, listen to them. Reflect on how your R would be different this time around, for if the behaviors are repeated...well you know Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results....But gird yourself for some serious work on YOU, and what you can do to be a better you. Not for him but for you, and the relationships in your life that will always matter.

Try to listen to the advice you get here and consider the sources. If there are those who desparately want their own R to succeed, and obsess themselves (not pointing fingers, just saying) they may join you in reading into everything...OR if they are angry at men/women WASs, and have become cynical they may lash out and say "F--- them all!"

I am neither of those stereotypes, (but have felt and done both.) If I recall correctly, neither is Saff. When I obsessed and questioned and read into everything my OLDER sister told me I was beginning to sound like the younger one, the desparate one. Boy was that a splash of cold water in my face. Woke me up big time! I also have kids to think about and model for them, what it is to be deeply wounded but to carry on with dignity. They were watching.

So pray a lot and listen a lot, and if you don't get the answer you like from Him, ask for the strength to handle whatever is coming. You'll get the "right" answer for sure then.

j-