I was unfaithful

[Sanderika]

Hello M,

Glad to see you came back....

Thank you for posting on my thread....

YES, the male poster said it perfectly:

"Our integrity is what makes us the better option"

AND...

"We believe in them still and in our relationships"

I have realized that it takes them (our H's) a very long time to sort out their feelings and recognize that they really do love us and their families and that they really want what they already have/had. It takes a long time for the Fog To Lift and the Rose-Colored Glasses to come off. For most this never happens. For a few lucky ones, who remained standing for a variety of reasons, their S's come home. The work is trying and painful and not for the faint of heart.

I believe that it does boil down to an issue with trust and forgiveness. It does not matter "our" crime. Once we have betrayed them (in their eyes) it takes a heck of a lot of time and consistent behavior on our part to melt the barrier around their heart that they have built. To regain the trust you once had is very difficult to obtain. My H has actually said that he has forgiven me but still does not trust me. I do think they are separate issues to most who leave their S's and families.

My H does forgive me and that is apparent in the friendship we have rebuilt.

My H does not trust me and that is apparent in the fact he will not recommit to the marriage.

"Testing the Waters" is something he does on a regular basis. It has not been without pain and a price.

You see, the price for me is that I have lost trust, too. I have lost the feelings of security. I have lost my innocence about marriage and relationships in a way. It will probably never come back for me. Regardless of any relationship I have in the future with or without H, these have been lost to me and will take a very long time to regain if ever I can. I will never take anything for granted or assumption again.

BUT, I can still move forward....only with a more wide-eyed approach than I had before. I have realized that I have a remarkable ability to overcome fears and challenges that are thrown at me. I do know that I will be more cautious and reluctant to give myself up completely in any relationship. I guess what I am saying is that this has left scars that will never fade.

The sadness will come and go for a very long time....

The sadness will pass...yes, it will. Someday it will not be so raw, it will however remain in our memories for the rest of our days.

I am glad you posted M, please keep it up...there is a therapy in journalling your thoughts and feelings and trials. We are not here to judge but to listen and offer friendship. It is a place where we can all go where we are truly understood. And that is a good thing.

I am thinking of you and I wish you well.....

Sanderika