Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[LolaL]

Hi SC, I am Lola, and I have been reading your thread. First, (((HUGS))). Second, I think I can help you out a bit.

I want to tell you a little of my sitch w/o hijacking. When H and I got married, D22 was 18 years old. She had finished HS and was taking a semester off. H and I bent over backwards to give her every opportunity for college, i.e. money for books (tuition was covered), money for spending, a new car, blah blah. And at the age of 20, she decided to quit school, run off, and get married. On the day H dropped the bomb, D22 told me she was pregnant. I blamed myself. H told me it was not my fault, that D22 had made her own decisions, and I said if "I was such a wonderful mother, my kids would be doing better..."

Yeah. Well I figured this out, H was right. And I am going to tell you this, it is not your fault that S17 is smoking pot. He is old enough to make his own decisions, and it was his decision to smoke it, not yours. That being said, I know as a mother it is hard for us sometimes not to take the blame for our children's actions. But, if we take the blame, we are also taking the responsibility, and that is not teaching our children to BE responsible for their actions. This one is on your S17, and you have to give him the privilege of feeling the consequences of his actions. It has NOTHING to do with you as a mother.

Now, as far as your H is concerned, and I am sorry to say this, get used to no sex. Although Jeffy Poo has the kudos on lack of sex, it has been almost 17 months for me. We have all learned to deal with it. One time, I propositioned my H several months after we were S. He quit talking to me for almost a month, only w/ intermittent phone calls. Prior to that, we had been speaking almost every day. Please do not make the same mistake.

At this moment, your H is a mental case! I cannot put it any other way. I did everything wrong in the beginning...i.e. begging, crying, trying to make my H feel guilty. It all backfired. He pulled further away because the sight of me breaking down made him feel more guilty. People generally don't like that feeling, and unless you are Catholic, are not accustomed to it. Therefore, they tend to pull away.

This is where "acting as if" comes into play. Me, I suck at it. It really took me focusing on what I needed to work on before I felt "as if." But you may be better at it. The biggest thing right now is to focus on what makes you better. Listen to your H's complaints, even if they don't make sense to you. My H accused me of being controlling because I told him I knew he loved me, I had faith we could work through this. I would ask him where he was, and what he was doing. It was a hard habit to break, but I did. Several months later, when I backslid and asked, I caught it and apologized. He said he hadn't even noticed.

I think your attitude on unconditional love is phenomenal. Keep that in your sight, because you will need it. This is not a quick fix. There will be times when your H will seem like your best friend, and then times when he feels he is getting too close and pulls away. Let him go. Remember, above all, that this does not have anything to do with you. Oh, he will blame you. But ultimately, it is his problem. Let him have the problem, and take the responsibility.

This is a very long process. It may be resolved shortly, or it could potentially take years. You will hear broken promises...some good, some bad. My H threatens to file for D whenever he feels he is getting to close. He has yet to do it. This, IMHO, is not a bad thing!!!

The key is to have no expectations at all, good or bad. Just ride the wave. Find yourself again. I think when we get married, especially women, we are so hell bent on making everyone else happy that sometimes we forget who we are. Find SC, who she is with or without your H.

And remember this, you cannot hold your H. For all intents and purposes, you have already lost him. My key is knowing that the M my H and I had is over. It is done. But, that does not mean that we cannot potentially have a M in the future. Right now, I live my life as if I am separated. I have a life, I don't date b/c I am still married, but I have found myself having a great time doing other things. We are not defined by who we are married too, who we are dating, or who our friends are. We are defined by who we are, alone.

I hope I have helped a bit. Lola