Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

Do I need to come up there and spank you?

Get your mind out of the gutter, Jeff!.........Oh, wait a minute, that's my mind!

Well it's 2am and I have been on and off the phone for the past couple hours with the Sheriff. S17 snuck out of the house and has H's truck. [I took his license but I forgot to take his keys........yep, I'm a moron!! ].

S17 answered his cell phone a couple hours ago and I told him to get his a** home, but he's still not here, so I called 911. The cops are keeping an eye out. If I officially report the truck as stolen, the cops will pull S17 over at gunpoint per procedure. And that would be a felony. Though S17 deserves it, I don't want a felony on his record. I told the Sheriff about S17's recent behavior and that his dad and I just seperated, and Sheriff agreed that S17 was obviously under stress and maybe charging him was too strong. But, I did tell the Sheriff that I would really appreciate anything they could do to scare the sh** out of him.

I so don't know what to do! S17 and I had a pact that I wouldn't threaten to kick him out and send him to his Dad, and he wouldn't threaten to leave. Whatever happened, we (S17 and I) were a family and we would stick together! But then, part of our agreement too was that we would be honest and respectful of each other, and S17 has definitely not kept up his end of the bargain!

Now, part of me wants to just take the keys and cell phone from him when he shows up and then turn around and kick him back out the door! Another attractive idea right now is to drop him on H's doorstep and let him deal with it, since I believe that this is all part of the fallout of H's behavior with S17!

But, then I don't want to go back on my part of the pact just because S17 broke his part. I want to set an example of integrity! But, I so don't need this in addition to everything else right now!!

I'm so worried about my son!! He seemed sincere in his remorse last night, but now this! I have no clue what to do!!

[Silent Chrleader]

It's almost 5am and I'm still up. S17 still hasn't come home. I just got off the phone with H. Major backslide. Told him he hasn't done our family or M justice. Asked how he can say he did his "best" when we haven't even tried real MC. I told him that I fully acknowledged I was culpible in the breakdown of the marriage, but that doesn't excuse his abandoning our marriage and having the A. Told his that I find it very hard to accept that the man I knew and trusted for so many years was perfectly content to walk away and drop his M and family.

He said that after all we have been through with D24 and such, his "give a sh**" tank is empty and he just doesn't have it anymore.

Also told him he's burying his head in the sand if he doesn't realize S17 behavior has at least somewhat been triggered by our sitch. H says S17 is not the first kid to see his parents go through divorce and that doesn't justify his screwing up his own life. That's true. H says he is done with S17 unless he completely changes his behavior and asks for help specifically.

I told him that I still had a very tough time accepting that I was never even going to get acknowledgement and understanding of his part in the breakdown of our M. H said that he has looked at that even if he hasn't shared it with me. I told him I deserved the respect of his honesty and openness about that. That I deserved that acknowledgement from him. He then said he would give me that. He said that he would discuss those things in session with C in order to provide "closure" for me.

I also told him there were messages on the house phone from American Express saying that there had not been a payment on the card in my name, so they had cancelled it (yep, there goes my credit). H asked why I didn't pay it? I reminded him that I had made a budget for both of us which detailed who would pay what and explaining how he needed to take care of his part, which included all credit cards. He said he's been busy but that I was free to go into our joint account (i.e. "his" money because I now have my individual account).

He said that he wanted to make things as easy as possible practically speaking, and that if anyone was going to be "hurt" financially, he would make sure that it was him and not me. He said that my financial freedom would be his top priority.

He also said he wants to keep communication to e-mail as much as possible to avoid conversations like this for "my sake". Doesn't want the "million phone calls". I reminded him that pp until the past 24 hours, I had really not been calling him at all for the past month.

He said he will work with me as much as possible with S17, but other than that, he is still content to move along his own path in search of some "other happiness". I re-iterated that I did want his happiness, but I was crying when I said it, so........yep, I'm back to weak, weepy, pathetic and pursuing!

Back to square one.

[LolaL]

Hi SC, I am Lola, and I have been reading your thread. First, (((HUGS))). Second, I think I can help you out a bit.

I want to tell you a little of my sitch w/o hijacking. When H and I got married, D22 was 18 years old. She had finished HS and was taking a semester off. H and I bent over backwards to give her every opportunity for college, i.e. money for books (tuition was covered), money for spending, a new car, blah blah. And at the age of 20, she decided to quit school, run off, and get married. On the day H dropped the bomb, D22 told me she was pregnant. I blamed myself. H told me it was not my fault, that D22 had made her own decisions, and I said if "I was such a wonderful mother, my kids would be doing better..."

Yeah. Well I figured this out, H was right. And I am going to tell you this, it is not your fault that S17 is smoking pot. He is old enough to make his own decisions, and it was his decision to smoke it, not yours. That being said, I know as a mother it is hard for us sometimes not to take the blame for our children's actions. But, if we take the blame, we are also taking the responsibility, and that is not teaching our children to BE responsible for their actions. This one is on your S17, and you have to give him the privilege of feeling the consequences of his actions. It has NOTHING to do with you as a mother.

Now, as far as your H is concerned, and I am sorry to say this, get used to no sex. Although Jeffy Poo has the kudos on lack of sex, it has been almost 17 months for me. We have all learned to deal with it. One time, I propositioned my H several months after we were S. He quit talking to me for almost a month, only w/ intermittent phone calls. Prior to that, we had been speaking almost every day. Please do not make the same mistake.

At this moment, your H is a mental case! I cannot put it any other way. I did everything wrong in the beginning...i.e. begging, crying, trying to make my H feel guilty. It all backfired. He pulled further away because the sight of me breaking down made him feel more guilty. People generally don't like that feeling, and unless you are Catholic, are not accustomed to it. Therefore, they tend to pull away.

This is where "acting as if" comes into play. Me, I suck at it. It really took me focusing on what I needed to work on before I felt "as if." But you may be better at it. The biggest thing right now is to focus on what makes you better. Listen to your H's complaints, even if they don't make sense to you. My H accused me of being controlling because I told him I knew he loved me, I had faith we could work through this. I would ask him where he was, and what he was doing. It was a hard habit to break, but I did. Several months later, when I backslid and asked, I caught it and apologized. He said he hadn't even noticed.

I think your attitude on unconditional love is phenomenal. Keep that in your sight, because you will need it. This is not a quick fix. There will be times when your H will seem like your best friend, and then times when he feels he is getting too close and pulls away. Let him go. Remember, above all, that this does not have anything to do with you. Oh, he will blame you. But ultimately, it is his problem. Let him have the problem, and take the responsibility.

This is a very long process. It may be resolved shortly, or it could potentially take years. You will hear broken promises...some good, some bad. My H threatens to file for D whenever he feels he is getting to close. He has yet to do it. This, IMHO, is not a bad thing!!!

The key is to have no expectations at all, good or bad. Just ride the wave. Find yourself again. I think when we get married, especially women, we are so hell bent on making everyone else happy that sometimes we forget who we are. Find SC, who she is with or without your H.

And remember this, you cannot hold your H. For all intents and purposes, you have already lost him. My key is knowing that the M my H and I had is over. It is done. But, that does not mean that we cannot potentially have a M in the future. Right now, I live my life as if I am separated. I have a life, I don't date b/c I am still married, but I have found myself having a great time doing other things. We are not defined by who we are married too, who we are dating, or who our friends are. We are defined by who we are, alone.

I hope I have helped a bit. Lola

[Silent Chrleader]

Thank you, (((((((((Lola)))))))))!

Your words help much more than just a "bit". I know you are spot on in your advice.

I am so disappointed in myself for last nights (or rather this morning's) backslide into R talk with my H. I had been doing so well I thought! Now I am so tired (haven't slept all night) and scared for S17! H drove around everywhere we could think of looking for him this morning, and when I last talked to him on the phone, he didn't sound as cool as he had earlier. The fact that he drove around looking tells me that H is more rattled by this than he lets on.

Right now I just want my baby safe in his room!

[Babygirl]

hey sweetie checking into see if your S is home yet!! praying for you sweetie. hang in there.

[glamgirl]

Checking on you SC. Is S home yet? I am sure he is with friends. They usually are. He knows he is in big trouble, so why go home.

You are NOT a bad parent. Kids will experiment. My h and I didn't drink, do drugs, smoke, and had a pretty strong m when s was a teen and he still got in trouble. Some kids are just more prone.

We all have backslid and have had the R talks. Learn and move on and try to control what you say. My h would say Glam your blowing up my phone. He just wanted to be left alone.

I try to remember those words since my h really doesn't want to be contacted and then when I finally heard from him it would be like that was the big emergency. Like couldn't that have waited or more like can't you just leave me alone.

Hang in there. This is a journey and learning experience.

[glamgirl]

Try to remember SC when they are in crisis, they really want to be left alone. This is the time they can think. They don't want to handle all the problems. It's like a man going to the cave. They need to think and process how are they going to deal with whatever is on their plate.

[LolaL]

Hey Kiddo...your S17 will come home. He knows he is in trouble, and is trying to avoid, that is all. I know this is hard on you, and I can totally relate to where you are coming from w/ him, but remember, he is 17. Where else does he have to go but to come home?

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, ((((((((((Friends)))))))))

Thank you guys so much for your prayers and support! You are all such a help to me, I can't fully express how much you've all come to mean to me!

Well, I had a very emotionally exhausting night and morning, but S17 is back safe and sound, and I got to see my H for the first time in a very long while!

We went driving everywhere we could think of looking for the truck (it's a huge behemouth F-350 crew cab, so it's easier to look for than a teenager). We tried everyfriends house we knew and the surrounding areas. H was getting more and more agitated as time went by, and we both felt that our son would not do this knowingly so he had to be incapacitated in some way......we even had a friend of his call his cell knowing that if he just wasn't answering for us, he would answer a call from her.

We finally had exhausted our ideas of where he could be and were pulling up in the parking lot of my apartment so we could go in and call to report the truck as stolen, and to call the cell phone company to see about what numbers he had called, or been called from. As we were pulling in, S17 called my cell phone. He was home in our apartment!

On the way up to the apt, H asked me to let him handle it. And he did beautifully!! He didn't yell even once! S17's story was that he was walking out of the party after talking to me, and he got into a fight with another drunk kid, and he thinks he got hit over the head because he doesn't remember anything else. [Yes, it's a very fishy story.....].

Anyway, H told him that he had a hard time believing S17, but that was really beside the point. H said he thought it more likely that S17 took a drug of some sort (whether voluntarily or involuntarily) to have "passed out" for so long. Either way, being "unconscious" is NOT a good thing and is very close to death! H told S17 that he blieved that S "cheated death" last night no matter what version of the story is the truth. The guy S fought with could have had a weapon, or something!

H told S that we loved him and wanted nothing but the best for him, but S needs to get off the path he is on and start making better decisions. We couldn't do it for him. H even started to cry! And not just little tears but sobs! H told S that he had been scared to death and did not ever want to go through this again! That really seemed to get through to S17. I then told S to look at his Dad, and does that look like a man who only wants him to do what he's told and doesn't really care about him, like S17 has said in recent months? It was very hard for me not to throw my arms around H, because I wanted so very bad to comfort him!

After our talk, when S went back to get his stuff so he could go with H for the weekend to help him move out of his apartment, I went over to H, and sat on the ottoman in front of his chair. I put my hand on his arm and told him that he did great!! I also told him that I knew he didn't really want to hear it, but that I loved him with all my heart and I always would. He just knodded his head in acknowledgement. I know I shouldn't have said it.....but I had to. That man sitting in that chair hurting and scared for our son, and doing his damdest to do the right thing for him, is the man I married and still love with all my heart!

So, I guess I'm back in the saddle again! I'm on my own this weekend, and I'm going to read and relax and watch movies and sleep!!! Basically I plan to be a vegitable, and enjoy every minute of it!

Again, thanks, you guys for being my friends!!!

I love you all!!

[Sara]

Hi SC,

I really feel for you. My H and I were in similar circumstances with our son 7 years ago. Sad to say, it lasted a long time. And it nearly killed our marriage. My son is 25 now. Half the kids he was friends with in high school have died of drugs or accidents in the past 7 years.

Your husband is right. Even if you don't know what your son did last night, it probably could have killed him. I will tell you how our story resolved. My son was arrested for possession of marijuana twice when he was 19. The first time they didn't do much, and it didn't change his behavior one bit. The second time the justice system was serious. They threw him in jail, and we didn't bail him out. (First smart choice we ever made.) Then they put him in a 3 year diversion program with drug and alcohol testing, rehab classes, AA, and required him to finish his GED and get a job. (Hooray for the judge!) Anytime he fell down on the conditions of probation, he spent a few nights in jail. 3 years is a long time. During that time he started to grow up. His maturity was delayed by the drug and alcohol abuse.

His friends didn't get busted, they continued using. S25 went to funeral after funeral. He started saying that he was the lucky one. He understood that if he had not been busted, he would have died too. That's when we started to see him change. It took about 5 years to come out of the hole that he had dug for himself. But I am very proud of him now. I hope that your son will find new friends. Because without changing friends, the behavior will not change.