Am I eternally hopeful or in denial....?

[Silent Chrleader]

It's almost 5am and I'm still up. S17 still hasn't come home. I just got off the phone with H. Major backslide. Told him he hasn't done our family or M justice. Asked how he can say he did his "best" when we haven't even tried real MC. I told him that I fully acknowledged I was culpible in the breakdown of the marriage, but that doesn't excuse his abandoning our marriage and having the A. Told his that I find it very hard to accept that the man I knew and trusted for so many years was perfectly content to walk away and drop his M and family.

He said that after all we have been through with D24 and such, his "give a sh**" tank is empty and he just doesn't have it anymore.

Also told him he's burying his head in the sand if he doesn't realize S17 behavior has at least somewhat been triggered by our sitch. H says S17 is not the first kid to see his parents go through divorce and that doesn't justify his screwing up his own life. That's true. H says he is done with S17 unless he completely changes his behavior and asks for help specifically.

I told him that I still had a very tough time accepting that I was never even going to get acknowledgement and understanding of his part in the breakdown of our M. H said that he has looked at that even if he hasn't shared it with me. I told him I deserved the respect of his honesty and openness about that. That I deserved that acknowledgement from him. He then said he would give me that. He said that he would discuss those things in session with C in order to provide "closure" for me.

I also told him there were messages on the house phone from American Express saying that there had not been a payment on the card in my name, so they had cancelled it (yep, there goes my credit). H asked why I didn't pay it? I reminded him that I had made a budget for both of us which detailed who would pay what and explaining how he needed to take care of his part, which included all credit cards. He said he's been busy but that I was free to go into our joint account (i.e. "his" money because I now have my individual account).

He said that he wanted to make things as easy as possible practically speaking, and that if anyone was going to be "hurt" financially, he would make sure that it was him and not me. He said that my financial freedom would be his top priority.

He also said he wants to keep communication to e-mail as much as possible to avoid conversations like this for "my sake". Doesn't want the "million phone calls". I reminded him that pp until the past 24 hours, I had really not been calling him at all for the past month.

He said he will work with me as much as possible with S17, but other than that, he is still content to move along his own path in search of some "other happiness". I re-iterated that I did want his happiness, but I was crying when I said it, so........yep, I'm back to weak, weepy, pathetic and pursuing!

Back to square one.