The dbing can work. This may sound harsh, but your h is giving you good information about his needs, some of which he may be having met through ow. I think you have a choice about whether you want to step up and try to meet those needs - be the more attractive option to the ow.
I believe the fact that he is telling you these things means that he still has hope and hasn't let go completely. You have a window here to work within, and whether you do so is your choice. If you choose not to, that window will likely close. He will close it when he loses hope and let's go completely.
It will probably require you to use words of affirmation - ones that really come from your heart. This may be a 180 for you but perhaps knowing whether you want this man in your life or not could motivate you.
With respect, I disagree with your psychologist. Unless the therapist is familar with dbing, they may not realize just how damaging talking about the r can be at times like this. Your h may feel it as controlling or pressuring. Have you thought about how you could formulate a 180 related to those behaviours?
There's no doubt that dbing can feel "unfair" and "one-sided". But in doing it, if you're being true to yourself and what you want in life, it's really all about you. It may have the effect of helping bring your h to the point of wanting to try to restore the m, then the piecing work happens between the two of you.
One person can't make a marriage work, but your marriage isn't working right now so you need to work on you.
I used to be controlling at times and it came from my insecurities. I've stopped controlling, not just my h but everyone. I'm becoming more secure in myself and letting other people be who they are. What motivates me? In part, wanting to restore my m, but also realizing that no one wants to be controlled. It is my behaviour that I want to change, for myself. Even if my h doesn't return, the next man in my life won't want to be controlled either.
It's a work in progress for all of us. I don't think I've "arrived" anywhere but I'm glad for what dbing is doing for me. Faced with losing something as important as my m has motivated me to look at myself. I've got a lot of learning and growing to do.
I hope you consider joining the DA club and let your h contact you. It sounds like he still wants to. I don't think mine does.
Sorry for the long post and I hope you don't feel like I hijacked your thread. I'm obviously struggling and working things through on a daily basis.
