PM Thread #3

[PositivelyMommy]

Our sitch is different from everyone else's. H comes over Saturday and Sunday. Every weekend. We look after them together. He stays for dinner Sunday night but not Saturday night. You see, he still hasn't gotten the guts to tell the kids anything so they don't know so this arrangment is basically 'just like normal'.Except when we were still together he only saw them on Sundays because he worked most Saturdays as well.

Our C was surprised that we spent weekends as a family. He suggested that I opt out every second weekend and get my own life. I have no problem with that except for two things. 1) I miss my kids terribly. 2) The few times I tried this out, H got passive agressively mad at me. Don't know why because he won't come out and confront me with his unhappiness. Just saw the look on his face and know he is mad at me. When I am around, he seems more comfortable with the kids. I think he feels insecure with being alone with them. So it's a catch-22 for him. With me around, he can relax more with kids. Without me around, he doesn't have to be confronted with his own guilty feelings and shame. Not that I do anything to remind him. I am quite good at acting 'as if' now.

This weekend I am going to stick around. See what happens. Since MIL has been here and now all of a sudden gone, we will see how the atmosphere is and whether the good vibes will stay or not. H really enjoyed having his Mom around because I think it made him feel more like his old happy self. Plus his Mom did not do any finger-pointing at him. He feels she supports him. In a way she does, but she disapproves also but won't say it outright. Complicated.

MLC males are like little boys, and not very attractive. I am not attracted to him right now. I just don't want any more blowups. What happens down the road is anyone's guess but I can't get on the emotional roller-coaster again. It's ten months now and I am doing OK. I try to focus on myself, not on H and OW. I have no doubt in my mind that their A will run its course. What's the use of me worrying about it? I can't make it go away any faster and I make myself miserable in the meantime. I want to spoil myself now after two hard years of M. It's time to look after me.

I read some pretty amazing stories of women who find themselves grow tremendously in self-confidence, skills and happiness while H is going thru MLC in the MLC forum. It's very inspiring. Go have a read. I want to be like one of those women. Try new things. See myself in a new light. Be more flexible. Be open to opportunities (I don't mean men). I want to have the guts to say to myself, 'Yes, I will give that a try.' Instead of, 'No, I am not good at that.'

I choose to see this as an opportunity for positive change in me.