Hi V, I'm doing okay. I still get sad - mostly little pangs of sadness every now and then - but I really just have myself on this path that's separate from hers now - and I am committed to staying with it. I talked with my S11 tonight about moving to a different house - and told him how much fun it would be to decorate it to our taste - and also how wise it would be to save some money by moving into a smaller place. He seemed to like the idea more and more as I talked about it - so I'm going to give notice here next week and plan on moving in March - which is kind of a relief - and should give me a real sense of renewal.
My S11 and I went to a friend's house for dinner tonight - we had pizza and watched some Battlestar Galactica - it was fun and relaxed - and something just a little different. Tomorrow morning my W (I don't want to call her that anymore...weird...)...I'm going to refer to her by an initial from now on - not her initial - since that would get confusing...but something that means something just to me...B will be coming by tomorrow to drop off my S2 in the morning and then we're going to head out for my S11's all-star soccer tournament. He has two games tomorrow - and then two more on Sunday...so he'll be exhausted this weekend...lucky for him he doesn't have school on Monday.
I spent part of the day today just sitting and writing in a cafe - a cliché I hadn't lived up to for a long time - anyway - I did, and while I was sitting there I had the chance to interact with a few different women...and it was nice. It wasn't anything flirtatious (well, okay, it was a bit with one woman) - but it was mostly just a matter of being out of the house and in the company of other people - and realizing just how many people there are in this world...and also remembering how easy it can be to start a conversation with someone.
The flirtatious conversation happened when a woman sat down next to me on a couch and couldn't find a spot to plug in her lap top...I helped her find the outlet, and then it was a bit of flirting as she tried to pass the cord over my head, under my feet and then finally around the table...it was nice...and innocent...and just made me feel less invisible than I had felt in a while...there was nothing more to our interaction than that - but it made me happy nonetheless.
I think B is starting to fade a bit faster from my life than I had expected...strange feeling...almost as though a switch had been flicked...I am beginning to see the many positives of extricating myself from her anger, her family's toxicity, her disloyalty, her criticism and distance, and the sadness I used to have in thinking that I had married someone that just didn't appreciate me at all...as I was writing today, I just remembered how she started to resent my writing...and even went so far as to tell my father that I was like Jack from the Shining when I write...goodness...I just realized how often I stopped myself from writing when she was home, just to avoid her anger...that's not a good memory...I know we had happy moments too - many of them - many beautiful moments...but they're gone now, replaced with distance, silence and more anger.
I'll have to do my best to be there for my baby boy as he grows up - be there as I've been for my S11 - and offer him an alternative to the ways of being that prevail in B's family.
