Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[No Longer BH]

Thank you friends for sticking with me and checking on me. I have reached a turning point, a change in my perception. THe rage is FINALLY going, it is draining from my soul and being replaced with indifference. My L told me that I had to break my NC and it terrified me. I had to send him a letter that stated that I was no longer interested in mediation, we now had to let the legal system work for us. I had this horrible feeling inside anticipating his reply. It was like being in a haunted house waiting for the guy to jump out at you from the dark corner. Well , sure enough he responded the next day with justification and spew....I was the bad guy, it was my fault that he left, I was a horrible mother, blah blah blah.

When I first read it I was hurt and angry, and then a since of peace came over me. I realized that through out our M, whenever something happend that hurt my feelings, OEO would twist it back around so that he was the victum and I had to build him up. This email responce was exactly the same behavior. He would not change when he loved me, why would he change now? So, I let it go and only responded without emotion and only addressed the few things that needed addressing. Of course he found a way to respond with more spew....but I just let it go as his baggage. I no longer need to carry it as well.

I truly am doing so much better. I think that by facing my greatest fear (which was hiring lawyers to fight it out) would leave me penniless, actually forced me to be stronger. I can see that my fears where so much bigger than the reality and by facing them I found peace. I realized that it is what it is and I am the one who gets to determine if that is good or bad. OEO can spout his spew, that is HIS baggage and I dont have to listen to it. By understanding this I have empowered myself to move on to a more beautiful life. He can stay stuck in his negativity while I continue to try and see the silver lining in it all. I am truly doing really good and I so appreciate you all continuing to be there for me.