Working on a friendship

[Belle]

Ok, so I haven't been on the boards in a while. And I know that probably nobody will respond and that's fine. I'm just going to vent.

I know that I'm not supposed to have expectations. I know that I'm not supposed to ask any questions or have any hope. But this situation is very frustrating.

I know my H is having an emotional affair. And he is probably having a physical affair. The frustrating part is that he calls me and likes to chat and wants to take me out for my B-day and blah, blah, blah.

What a fake. Or an a$$ who wants to test the waters because he can.

I feel like this DBing is so detrimental to a person's ego and pride. How can I just sit here and act so fake - like I don't really care if he spends his time with her.

I have been GAL and not focusing on him or us. I am doing well but I have my bad days. But I don't want to be led on by interactions and have hope. It's so easy to say "Don't have expectations", but very hard to implement.

I call and listen to his voicemails once in a while. I know others will 2 x 4 me, but it helps to bring me back down to earth. When he is acting all nice and like he is interested in keeping in contact with me to feel things out, I think that he may want to work on our marriage. But then he is pursuing her and probably doing we all know what to her, and it just makes me realize how far we are from anything at all. I know it's closer than some, but I'd almost rather have it that way. It wouldn't be so confusing.

Oh! I am just so pissed!!! I don't know how we all do it. She's just a 23 year old twerp who doesn't know anything.

I'm ready to confront him. Tell him how I feel. I enjoy talking with him, but I know that he is carrying on with her to test her out. And I feel that is disrespectful. And I don't want to be disrespected. I don't want a marriage like that. As my psychologist said, I am enabling him. This could go on for a long time.

I try to move forward but I keep getting distracted by him -

Which, by the way he just called - I came soooooo close to saying something. He was going on and on about his classes and exams and how stupid they are and how he gets so angry and so mad and fired up. And that it sucks. I kept saying, a lot of things suck, and a lot of things fire people up, and a lot of things make us mad......(specificallly me - he makes me mad, he fires me up and he sucks)

But I didn't say anything. I'm so gooooooood! Puke.