Forgiveness, well, I know I need to forgive,I know that, but I can't until I am over it. Rage is going to turn this around for me by not letting my emotions control my feelings or my life, for a time. It is already working. I may have the solution to my D17 school and I do not plan on calling W tomorrow about car ins, she doesn't have it. I would have called just to rub it in hoping she would break, or just to see if she was miserable knowing her car got repo'd. My rage won't let me.
I love my wife, woukld love her to love me, for us to be together and spend the rest of our lives in marital bliss. In her eyes and her min right now, it is never going to happen at any level or point in time. As you posted in gilda radners book, you can either accept it or let it worry you to death. My rage is the only emotion I have that will accept it. I am not mad at my W, I am angry, Rage is bad, very bad, but I have learned early in my life totake all the anger and pain and sorrow that builds into me and change things to my advantage, to make me better, without holding onto emotional baggage or concerns about what other people thnk or say. I will not die in here, I will live. My rage is what will save me, my anger and pain will bring me to my goals of happiness and peace. trust me.
Sorry if this confuses the heck out of me. But I think we use the word RAGE here quite differently. Your fury, or whatever it is, does not sound like love or the road to forgiveness. Either use a new word or face the fact that you sound incredibly confused and not at all clear. I'm a bit of a wordsmith, if I say so myself. And you are one confused guy. Which is understandable. But be careful with your children's hearts. The thing they need from you most now is stability and love. THEIR needs emotionally must come first. That is the one guiding principle God told me clearly the whole time. WHen you pray for guidance, that part should be clear. hope it is. Forget about your w and om for now. They're in the Australian bush and you can't reach them AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE HIS TRUCK...that's not the point of the analogy...
Lose the anger and start healing...I think what you may be trying to say is that anger is what is allowing you to start to detach, finally. I hope so. Otherwise I worry if you own guns and I'm a big 2nd amendment type, fyi. (( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
"I think what you may be trying to say is that anger is what is allowing you to start to detach, finally. I hope so."
That is it exactly. I use rage because it is an enormous build of pain and anger. Rage is a physical presence and a state odf mind that is reactive. But you got it. Ye sI use the word rage, not in its clinical sense, but to define and enormous amount of pain and anger inside me. I turn it inward to push myself past those things that have caused it. I can't let go allowing my emotins to be on my shirt sleeve. they need to be bound, tied and used for the energy that they have. It is working already.
It is confusing, I know, but I have lived through doing this once before. It drove me to levels I didn't think I could achieve, on my own and to have everyone stadn back and say wow. My dad just said, he needed a push, I never doubted him. Who knows, maybe this advice came from my dad, I have been asking for him alot lately.
But I feel better knowing you get it. My rage won't let me contact her, its actually me who won't allow the rage, I don't need moreI need touse what I have and let it be gone. i don't know how long it will last, but if I can get two weeks under my belt, well, I am off to the races.
No I am not a scary person, hell I'm the guy all the kids flock to, I have always been that way. My "rage" gives me focus, keeps me straight as an arrow. There is no deviation when I get that feeling. Its sink or swim.
thanks for wordsmithing me, and understadning, I was afraid I was scaring everyone away. It is anger, but anger is not a big enough word. Rage works. Raging against the machine simply means fighting back for what I believe. And lets face it, this machine has been pushing me back and down for 5 months. Not anymore. Its time to push back and take control. Another bad word "control".
good afternoon Friends! I slept very well last night, no response to my D17 issue yet, but I am thinking it is going to happen. W thoughts keep popping in my head, "tehm" actually. I push 'em out and tell myself to stop. I believe the other one may be trying to distract now. Walk seems to be good, I am at least upright and moving. D17 wanted some money to go out this weekend. I don't have any and my initial response was to tell her to call her mother. Rejected that. She text me back and informed me her mother won't have any. What is she reading my mind, I never sent the text to ask her mother. Hmmmm..
I have less than what she asked for but she knows I have to buy food tonight. She that will be ok, like it was up for debate.
i need to get to the GYM! I need to really hit it like I was a couple of years ago. I need to really hit it every morning before work. Stop this sleeping till 6:00 AM.
I have decided that I need to go out one day each weekend and see people, not stay home, do projects or watch football by myself. He wants me to see people, to get out to my friends and family. I see my self on this walk, its a real good image, wish I could draw. He is slightly ahead of me, makes sense, I need to folow Him. We are talking but I can't get any of the conversation. I don't reallly see Him, I am behind Him and to the left. But I don't see Him, He is there, of that there is no doubt. I think I finally got to the point I need to be. the "Rage" as I call it (my anger and pain if you will) has got me started. No I am nopt showing signs of anger or rage or even pain. I am hoping that it lasts for a while, so this walk really gets under way. Not one thought of contacting her or even seeing if she got her car back. Its not that I don't want to know, its just none of my business. You heard me right, "NONE OF MY BUSINESS". Feels good to say it.
Things are going well. i am looking forward to this weekend without any reason why, just am. Sleeping in a little, dogs nails need to get clipped, coming into work for 3 hours tomorrow, shelf up in my office/sitting room and setting up my Dads accomodations and pictures and his chimes that have his ashes in it. That will be Saturdays project. the only project Saturday. I might go to a dance Saturday night if nothing is going on. country Line dancing place I go to for lessons is having a dance.
I feel alittle less , I don't know the word, excited or agitated.
What response are you expecting from your d17? Can she just be forgiven, and can you let it go? At least for now. Don't hold her to comments she made lashing out when you don't want that done to you. She brought up things you said way back when...so how long are YOU going to hold onto her words of anger?
You are the parent and she is the child. Don't underestimate the amount of pain SHE is in, and HER anger and rage, etc. She didn't break up a marriage, you and your wife did. Even if you want to blame your wife for all of it, it still leaves the fact that your daughters did NOT do any of this but are stuck with the "adult's mess"... Make sense? Please don't do the oh so common thing of forgetting about THEIR pain and just thinking of your own. Biggest mistake LBSers make.
Just checking in and am glad you sound calmer. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
We are working together on the school thing. she understands and knows she doesn't want to quit, she just doesn't want the aggtravation she is getting. My goal is to get her through this, school and everything else. I am working to reduce the stress and pain she is in.
I am over it. i don't hold it against her at all, again my focus is very straight right now. she is staying at her friends tonight, and that's fine. I understand all of their pain, again, W didn't just walk on me.
I am being extemely objective. I will talk to her more this weekend. We are working together on this plan. and she is agreeable to it. I was hoping for a response from the school today, but maybe tuesday, i hope.
I told her I am very concerned about her right now because she seems to have depression and stress that she should be trying to relieve. I have told her talk to me, yell, scream whatever she needs to do to let go of the pain. She sees the look in my face and knows what i am feeling, and not what I am thinking. she has no reason to be afraid, mad or thinking that I think ill of her. she knows the truth.
thanks for checking in. yours and FH posts the other day helped me focus on not her responses, but what needs to be done in order for us both to agree on the right path. No, this course of action I am undertaking has no room for holding grudges or holding onto anything useless such as words of pain and depression. these are my thoughts in regard to D17:
1. People are giving her a bad time, bullying her. Both in school and on the computer (cyber). I want it to end. she wouldn't mention the names of who because she says I know them. well they aren't hanging around here so I already know. I want it to stop and end, but not the way she thinks. i want her to gt past it by learning to ignore and focus. Not me booting these little girls in the ass. or calling their parents.
2. School. this is a straight A student who, because of the situation, can't focus and grades are suffering. Now she has this in her life so school is an unhappy experience. Rather than meet it head on, she relents. As I posted before, this is what the W has apparently done. I am hoping and praying (yes you saw that right, hoping) that see is not viewing her mothers state of mind right now as the way to deal. I will get her into this program and get her grades under control. If I can do this for her, she will at least have less emotional baggage and will be able to concetrate better.
3. what she said. It was true, I did apologize she achnowledged that I did. Move on.
4. Her relationship with me. I have pictures and very deep touching poems she has written to me over the years. the last one was this past Fathers Day. It is on my desk and I read it everyday. It is me and her in the house and I knew sooner or later she would get bored with my face. She goes to her mothers and she should if she wants to. I just don't want her going there to avoid me. I am a very hard person when I want to be, even with my kids, She must be handled very gently now, she is fragile and at the breaking point which is why the above are so important to me.
5. She will not be used as a doormat by me or anyone else, and neither will I be her doormat. Nuff said.
I will not pursue the relaitonship with D17, it will come back on its own. My focus isn't to be her best friend, its to be her Father. It is what she needs right now. Someone to give her direction and guidance. what she is getting from her mom is, "well if that s what you wanna do, then its fine by me, just check with your father". you see where that conversation is going don't cha?
Anyway, enjoy the night home and relaxing, very tired, very busy week as you have read. Made it through the day without even the urge to call W bout anything. read some different posts here in the infidelity and mid life areas. Advice is the same as I have been given and giving. I just need to follow my own advice. Walk has begun. Its sort of a walk a few steps, skid stones, walk some more, pick up sticks. That type of gait. i still can't hear anything, i know He is speaking because I keep looking up that way. Is it common for Him to speak, and yet you don't seem to think you hear anything? I mean and I getting messages that I just can't sense? Was feelinglonel;y a little while ago and have been doing some job hunting when I saw you posted to me, thanks.
But now I don't. I feel I should be doing something, feel like a lump, but I am very tired.
YEah, things are ok with me and D17. Other than the school thing I am working on, everything with me and her is "as if". Love you for looking in. Sorry I scared you . My confidant also hates me using the word Rage. He said to call it Davism. But he said he thinks i am on the right track. He has been telling me to keep busy but not get too far ahead of her. He thinks this strategy is what i need so I don't get nuts. Plus if the outcome isn't what I want it to be, I won't have to go through it all over again.
Please Please take the cyber and school bullying seriously. It is destructive as hell and cannot and should NOT be ignored. OMG that freaks me out. Get in there and fight for your daughter in a way that protects her. (She'll need to remain anonymous if at all possible) IF you have to take her out of school and transfer her or home school her DO IT...I'm not kidding. I have a d19 (nearly d20) and d11 and S22 and some of d19's friends were tortured and barely made it. They cut themselves, were anorexic, used drugs, had multiple sex partners and the cyber bullying was a huge part of it. Don't ignore it. Please don't underestimate how damaging High School bullying is. NO wonder she wants out of school and if she was a straight A student, RED FLAG/ RED ALARMS.....BIG TIME...SHE NEEDS HELP ASAP. (j )
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
did you ever read "Go Ask Alice"? you may need to. And tell your dang wife, [b][i[/b]]IF[/i] your d says you can. Man, I'm amazed a straight A student wants to drop out and you want her to rise above it and "ignore it".....no, no, no. Please reconsider. Get her some real help. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm not, that's why this other program is what I am trying to get her into.
It is taking a toll on her so I need to remove her from it. thats why the meeting was so important! I have been telling her and I finally arranged the meeting with the school.
Thats why i posted the bullying thing about her as #1 on my previous post. I know how it is and have been reading up on it sonce she said it to me on wednesday.
I know all the dnagers. Why do you thjink I was so upset W didn't make it. and yes you were right, she did know who was there and who wasn't. Thats why its important for her to have these friends rather than me grounding her or punishing her for something she is trying to get away from. Why do you think I tolerated her being out of school the rest of the week and I am having the teachers send work home for her. Our high school has a huge anti bullying program. but D17 feels if the school goes after these girls, it wil make it worse. retribution and all. I see her point. thats why it is important tha tI know where she is all the time.
Now imagine all this and trying to cope with a family life that is somewhat stable but fractured nonetheless. Oh trust me i am very very concerned and thanks for seeing that. And thanks for the advice. trust me. i am watching her closely.
I come from a cop family. My brother has been notified. If she is still getting crap on her IM then I will pursue it with the police. My cousins son was caught up in it and my brother made some phone calls, they printed some stuff out and bam, it all stopped.
the crap she is getting in school is typical bs for high school. But it lingfering into IMs and what not. No I am taking all of this serious. why do you think, again, I am pushing for this alternate school program. Its not to let her sleep later, its to get her away from these people, out of site out of mind. then they will leave it. If not, I take over and it becomes a problem, for them! Thanks again for your concern. wish my W was this concerned.
Yes I have read the book. It was in /high school for a psych class. Yes, I am worried about where all of this can take her. Again i look at what my W is doing and pray that D17 doesn't decide her mothers lifestyle should be hers, partying and sleeping around. that concerns me plenty. i am very worried and scared for d17 and I will protect her with my life. Anyone hurting her will get the physical end of my rage. and trust me, that's A side of me that no one wants to see. Trust me. I can bring pain much like the wrath of God.
