This is like walking through a minefield just to clear it.
Sure is.
Quote:
My chances of stepping in doo doo are assured.
Not necessarily. A lot of that depends on you. Your counselor will try to help. We're trying to help. You just have a couple hurdles to get over.
This is the bad time. The bottom of your world is potentially getting ready to fall out. You're in protection/self-defense mode, following your natural instincts to hold on to the things that are valuable to you.
We're just trying to tell you, from our experience, that you cannot hold a person to you. You can only be you.
Doesn't mean there aren't things you can do. The problem is that mostly what you can work on now is yourself. And that's not to say that you're a bad man in need of confession and repentance. But there are two areas that you can and should be assessing and evaluating yourself:
a) things that YOU contributed to the marital problems b) getting your head screwed on straight in the midst of this crisis so as not to do more damage inadvertently
Jack and others have tried to point out to you places of potential danger. When our spouse decides to withhold intimacy from us, they wound us one of our most tender spots. We are men after all. So much of our identity is wrapped up in the testosterone coursing through our veins and our friend in the pants.
To not be desired hurts. Our normal reaction is defensive. Sometimes, as Jack shared, even passive aggressive back at our spouse. That's a danger area because it potentially causes MORE problems between the two of you.
You sacrifice alot if you plan to fight for your marriage. You have to be willing to put aside alot of ego and old male behaviors. Things that maybe work well in business, but not so well in a relationship.
If your wife is wanting physical contact, she will initiate it. As for what can you do? Well I think she's made it clear that anything that smacks of sexual prelude is out. Doesn't mean you cannot still find a way to touch her in a loving way. But you have to constantly gauge her reactions to know what flies and what doesn't.
It's a tightrope. You need to give her space, you need to let her lead the way physically. You need to not talk relationship so as not to put pressure on her. And yet at the same time you don't want to send the message that you'd prefer if she'd just leave.
So how do you do it? A couple thoughts.
Begin to build a new paradigm for your relationship. Welcome to the marriage crisis. For behold, all things are made new.... and freaking upside down, batshit crazy. Listen, watch, observe, measure, gauge.....and remember.
Along the same lines, find a way to establish a new set of expectations, because the old ones simply are going to leave you frustrated. In general it seems that expectations involving a spouse in crisis should be rather low - most of them can meet those at least.
Remind yourself that you are strong, capable, and desirable. You're going to lose just about all the things that used to send those messages to you. You'll need something to replace that. Activities, outings with male friends, good times with the kids. Anything that reminds you that you are a cool guy still, someone that others like to be around.
It's tough. We're not trying to beat you up. We're trying to save you some of the agony that many of us went through on our way to the other side. Jack and his wife are making it. My marriage did not - but nearly two years after my divorce and I am remarried to a woman I love dearly. We all came through this in different ways, all of us successfully in the end. But there were plenty of bruises and wounds along the way.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
