""he is giving it his all" - are you kidding me FG?"
It very well may be how he feels. He could feel he is giving it his all. It is the view of the person that feels it. We all get this wrong.. we make assumption based on "wrong" perceptions. Not unlike.. they left.. they must not love me. I can't tell you exactly what he is feeling.. but I will assure you there is "something" keep him from acting. I would bet lots of money on it. And win.
"And he still doesnt feel it needs to be aproached. He wants it under the carpet. It's something he said knows is wrong but cant change it obviously."
You say something like this.. when you just don't know ho to "start" the conversation.. or you feel you may be "judged".
You hide from things you don't want to face.. because it will make you look bad. Maybe even hinder the moving forward.
"Too soon? Who says it is too soon COry? You, me, him, my kids? WHO? When/how will I know it isnt early to quit?"
All I can say is look how long people spend in piecing.
"That's what I said privately to you."
And I said privately to you.. I am not sure how..nor am I gonna fight this. She had to make the choice. Figure it out.
"I will simply NOT go back, not even as a start. It has to be MUCH better to start with."
Then you are fighting a losing battle. Thats why you are tired.. and done. You have to start somewhere.. even if sometimes it is not where you want to be.
You right there just "agreed" with what I am saying.. you are over there.. he is over here.. both of you are saying.. come to me. Someone has to move. If you don't want to.. then close the door.. and move on. If where you are standing is the least you will take.. start there.. move on and don't look back. He is either gonna give chase.. or give up. Are you happy with either of those options?
"He already says I want a lot."
OK.. thats a hint. I suspect you are not really asking for that much. But for someone that is unprepared for the task at hand.. they will become overwhelmed very quickly. Maybe they even freeze up.
"He once said, "this is me, if you want more, you have a decision to make"."
He is right. Call him on his bluff. Say if this is really all you have to give.. why are we doing this? It is not enough for me. If you really want to confuse him.. say I am not asking for much.
"To me that shows he still has issues with being right and stuborn."
The same thing as when he left? Why should he look inside? He left.. now he is back. What would have prompted him to "look inside"?
I am headed home I will try and get back into this.. soon.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Because you are reading the "surface". Kalni is not someone that would just hold on. She is a leader.. look around my friend.. look around. Right now to me.. she is just barking orders. And sometimes this works. It takes someone "listening" to the barking for the "leader" to have followers. Right now.. in this moment.. I think she is "leading" to quickly. She is leaps and bounds above his thinking. I will assure you of 1 thing.. her H does not like the barking.
I see plenty my friend. I am not simply reading the surface. In fact in my opinion I am asking her the questions that need to be asked. Stating the facts that she lays out here back to her and seeing if she owns them. Which she has. Her H doesn't show any emotion, let alone dislike of her "barking". Personally, I think she is a lot gentler than I would be at this point.
Quote:
"Fear and insecurity are not the appropriate reasons to hang on longer than you should."
They can be. It depends on the situation. Here.. in this post.. the "fear" is a good thing.
And not unexpected.
No Forrest, your wrong on this one. Fear is not a good thing here. Fear is, again in my opinion, holding her back from acting on a decision that I believe she already has made in her heart. In fact, there is not a situation where fear and insecurity are a good thing.
You see Forrest, and I have told Maria how I feel about this, sometimes the standers are so stern on standing that they lose focus on the fact that not all marriages will be saved. Sometimes people find out through all of this that they deserve more than they are getting. That they are not living the life that they deserve and want. Mind you, I have not told her to leave her marriage, you should reread my last three posts to Maria and maybe you will understand the direction that I am hoping she will follow.
Marriage is about many different things. The reality is that families make many changes throughout this. Maria continuing on in an unhappy marriage will lead to anger and resentment. Guess what, the kids will see that and feel it and it can cause just as much if not more emotional damage to them than a divorce. I also question the morals and character that we teach our children when we do not listen to our hearts and follow the path that we believe will lead us to becoming healthy, happy, fulfilled people. I for one will never....ever.... teach my children to settle. They will understand that in life you take the bull by the horns and live it to the fullest of their ability.
Here is what I know, many of us care about Maria and her situation. We can openly offer her our opinions and we can all express our thoughts on how we think she should proceed. We do not have to agree, many times we don't. All we can do is offer our support and comfort through a very tough period in each individuals life.
I respect what you have to say, but quite honestly there really is no right or wrong for another persons situation that you or I can decide upon.
If I had my drothers Maria's H would make some changes and step up to show her that he can be what she needs. I still hope that he will and he possibly could when the time is right. However, I am also a die hard realist and believe that people need to understand that while this is a place to try and save marriages, it is also a place that offers support and compassion as marriages end. In fact, statistically I think that is the majority of what this site does and I for one think it is fantastic.
His inaction and avoidance are so utterly confusing to me. I know that HE was the walk away, so perhaps my perception is backwards. He does not act or talk like a man who has said to himself "I have nearly thrown away something very precious to me. I must find a way to show her that I love her and realize that I always have."
If a man had THAT thought process rolling around in his head, he could not stand by and remain idle, hoping that merely the passing of days would reclaim the marriage, or more importantly the woman.
It seems to me that if things are now to the point that the end can be glimpsed in front of you, it is time to hold nothing back in making clear just what the status is.
- I have let go of you in my heart. - I was fully prepared to move on with my life and whatever that entailed. - You said you wanted to come home. You indicated that you wanted to restore the marriage. - I have been honest with you. I told you that you would have to make me want to come back - that I was already gone inside. - A date, a card, a daily call just about the two of us and the love that you have for me - any of these things would have spoken to me. - I am no longer the woman I was before. I want to be loved, cherished. I want to SHARE my life with a man who wants to SHARE his life with me. - The old ways will not work. The life that we knew before - I cannot go back to that life. - If you truly loved me, desired me, longed for me, I should be able to SEE and FEEL that in the way that you treat me and interact with me. I feel instead like a sister. - I feel like if you were to fall in love with another person, you would KNOW what to do to express that love. And I cannot understand why you are not doing that with me. - I think that you expected me to be satisfied with you coming home, and that I would accept things being just like they always were. I'm not sure that you are hearing me when I say that I have changed and I need MORE from love than what we once had. - I could be convinced to work our way to truly good love, but I see no signs at all that anything but what once was is in your plans.
Brutal honesty.
A walk alone together. Person to person - no phone. A request that he FIND the time for this, as your future together is on the line.
I'm so sorry that you have been teased with the possibility of a renewed relationship, only to find that he wants nothing more than more of the same.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
- I have let go of you in my heart. - I was fully prepared to move on with my life and whatever that entailed. - You said you wanted to come home. You indicated that you wanted to restore the marriage. - I have been honest with you. I told you that you would have to make me want to come back - that I was already gone inside. - A date, a card, a daily call just about the two of us and the love that you have for me - any of these things would have spoken to me. - I am no longer the woman I was before. I want to be loved, cherished. I want to SHARE my life with a man who wants to SHARE his life with me. - The old ways will not work. The life that we knew before - I cannot go back to that life. - If you truly loved me, desired me, longed for me, I should be able to SEE and FEEL that in the way that you treat me and interact with me. I feel instead like a sister. - I feel like if you were to fall in love with another person, you would KNOW what to do to express that love. And I cannot understand why you are not doing that with me. - I think that you expected me to be satisfied with you coming home, and that I would accept things being just like they always were. I'm not sure that you are hearing me when I say that I have changed and I need MORE from love than what we once had. - I could be convinced to work our way to truly good love, but I see no signs at all that anything but what once was is in your plans.
Brutal honesty.
A walk alone together. Person to person - no phone. A request that he FIND the time for this, as your future together is on the line.
Fan-fricken-tastic advice and post Bworl...... nail on the head if you ask me.......
I am not just sitting here waiting for him to move. I arranged MC, spilled my guts out, cried, opened up, had him in MY home, messing with my peace, changing my attitude towards him being tired, bending regarding work and time together, inviting him over for lunch, dinners etc, telling at the door "why are you leaving now,stay with me, talk to me, watch a movie with me", offered him drinks, thanked him and many more things...
You are talking about piecing. This is where you get it wrong Cory, we are not piecing. We just co-exist. When you piece, it's hard but YOU DO have some moments of "reward", some connection, a progress of somekind. Here, nothing...
BTW, MC: he hasnt asked why we are not going, what's happenning,nothing... I drop the issue, he drops it.
No-OOOO this is wrong - sorry kalni - to air this on your thread...
this is too much like "advice" and "tin pot counselling" - this board is best when it poses questions to make you think - to make you think in a different way sometimes about your situation...
Keep your level head about the reality of your situation- by all means listen to other views - but they know nothing (really!) about how it plays out in the real world! - your world!
Best - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
- I have let go of you in my heart. - I was fully prepared to move on with my life and whatever that entailed. - You said you wanted to come home. You indicated that you wanted to restore the marriage. - I have been honest with you. I told you that you would have to make me want to come back - that I was already gone inside. - A date, a card, a daily call just about the two of us and the love that you have for me - any of these things would have spoken to me. - I am no longer the woman I was before. I want to be loved, cherished. I want to SHARE my life with a man who wants to SHARE his life with me. - The old ways will not work. The life that we knew before - I cannot go back to that life. - If you truly loved me, desired me, longed for me, I should be able to SEE and FEEL that in the way that you treat me and interact with me. I feel instead like a sister. - I feel like if you were to fall in love with another person, you would KNOW what to do to express that love. And I cannot understand why you are not doing that with me. - I think that you expected me to be satisfied with you coming home, and that I would accept things being just like they always were. I'm not sure that you are hearing me when I say that I have changed and I need MORE from love than what we once had. - I could be convinced to work our way to truly good love, but I see no signs at all that anything but what once was is in your plans.
Brutal honesty.
A walk alone together. Person to person - no phone. A request that he FIND the time for this, as your future together is on the line.
I may sound stupid, or silly but Bill and Ian I have said all these. I have said it on the phone and in person. Not just the first time he said he wants to come back, I told him again when I said it is over and he came to my work to discuss this after reading a long letter with all these and more.
He listened to me. Tried to tell me that "the way things are, what can I do? Time is not enough, I love you, you should be patient, you are not as "open" , he tried to tell me I want too much. He said he never thought coming back would be enough, he k nows it is hard to get on track, he is willing, I dont see him trying... And then he said he thought things looked bad for us...He listens and doesnt act. He is soft and calm and I can see him scared when he feels I am ready to move on. But that's about it.
