I like your letter. Hmmmmmmmm I don't think mine was nice. I may change it later on as he has no internet yet so I may take another look at it. Man, I have to say, I am willing as I said to do this for my H, as you are with your W, but......... ( ahhgghggghh$$#$% ))))) DOesnt it sometimes want to make you scream that we have to do this...
Thats why were here I guess, so we can scream to each other and not our spouses. I give you credit Cinco, keep it up and I hope you get something out of it!!!!!
I have written many letters that were never given to her. I started writing a little over a year ago and a lot of them were very mean. Again, they were more for me to get my thoughts out on paper. I can go back and read these and see how angry I was back then. It is very therapeutic to write out your feelings like that.
We did sit and talk for a time after I read it to her. She has the letter now and I'm hoping that she will read it a few times on her own. The response from her yesterday was not new, the same old "I don't know why I'm not wanting this as much as you do."
I did mention the feeling that our love is more like brother/sister than husband/wife. This is the first time I think I have said this to her and she didn't understand what I meant. I went on to say that what makes a marriage is that special bond that a physical relationship and intimacy form. I don't think we have that any longer, without it we are like brother & sister. People marry that one person that they want to really get close to, that's why I got married. I miss that closeness and want to feel it again.
The thing that sticks in my mind too was when we talked about kissing. I love to kiss, any form of kissing. She does not like kissing... at least not any more. I found out why too. "It's so in your face. I feel like someone is invading my space." DUH! How do you kiss without having your faces together? Isn't that the idea? To get close to your sweetheart?
Also, "It's so slobbery and wet." Uhhhh.... only a quick peck is gonna be dry. I have no idea how to kiss with passion and not be at least a little wet.
It's not like I am a bad kisser either. I have had many complements from the past about being a nice kisser. I miss kissing more than any other part of our lack of intimacy. A nice one minute goodnight necking would satisfy me each and every night. It never happens though.
Lovely letter/// Did my hubby help you write it? He said 99% of that to me. After our vacation. As a matter of fact he said it makes his blood boil that I am so "cold fish" he didnt exactly say cold fish but you get the point.... Then the drinking? ,,,, makes it seem like his requests are unreal? But when you put it here in paper it speaks to me. I do not want to hurt him.... but I at present moment am too used too walking on eggshells to otherwise? I hope you get all you wish for honey... I know for me and if my H feels just like you? he is very lonely.. For me? It boils down to loving myself more.... I personally cant be as passionate and loving as I should be because there is more hurt I suppose on my end. You seem so loving to your Wife so I dont get it? I wish there were more posters here for you Cinco you need more feedback.... take care, Ava
Maybe the new job will help her feel better about herself and then work its way down? Literally?
Sorry for the mini hijacK... Love ya amigo and take care....
I personally cant be as passionate and loving as I should be because there is more hurt I suppose on my end.
Ava, I think this has very much to do with our problem too. She is so hurt by not only things that I have done, but also things in her past while she was growing up. None of her pain has ever been healed. Some of it is buried so deeply within her, she is not even aware of how it affects her.
I'm trying to move past all the pain and resentment, while she just keeps it all bottled up inside.
The things that I did were never meant to hurt her. They were my feeble attempts, at the time, to protect my own feelings. When I withdrew from her, I now know, it caused a lot of pain for her, how could it not? It's all that I knew to do at the time and it was so foolish.
What's done is done. We can't rewrite our past. All we can do now is to try to work through this and build our future together. The trouble is that I can't make her see that she must join me to make this future together.
I can't do it alone. I do love her so much but she has closed herself off from me.
Ava, I keep praying that our spouses will look inside of themselves and see the pain that is there and to finally heal their hearts.
Hey, Cinco. Good letter. Clear, heartfelt, says everything specifically. I hope her mental reaction wasn't "Again!!!???"
Whether or not a woman feels justified in some way for withholding sex, or not responding to her H's desire, somewhere way inside there has to be some guilt after reading this kind of letter. That could result in an emotional conversation that helps, or being defensive. Defensiveness may mean withdrawal, avoiding you and conversation, or it could mean an argument. If its an argument, with any kind of luck, she may get angry enough to blurt out what's bothering her and saying it out loud means admitting it to herself. No more supressing, its out there to deal with. Your reaction at that point will be important in whether or not the outcome is positive.
Then again, she may just not really know why the LD. How does your D seem with all this going on? She must sense the tension even if she doesn't hear arguing. Kids know so much about what's going on w/us sometimes its embarrassing. They are more observant and perceptive than we think. I hope her feelings about sex are positive.
I hope her first day on the new job goes well. How would you feel if working eventually made her feel more independent & she initiated separation? I'm guessing she's not the kind of wonam who'd do that. Family is important to her.
Let us know how it goes. I believe the letter was a good step to take. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
Didn't read far enuf B4 I posted. Duuuuh. OK, she still doesn't know what's wrong. But the part about disliking kissing?? Is that new? There must be some reason she recoils from touching like that. Does she hug & kiss your D?
I don't think you can deal with that alone. Do go for counseling sooner rather than later. First, for yourself and second to get a professional's opinion on how to handle what's going on there. The only women I know who avoided kissing were turned off by the breath of their H w/a 25 yr. cigarette habit. (Brushing can't get it out of the lungs). That's not the same as feeling their space was invaded.
Thinking of you & wishing for a better outcome. J
me: 66 H:60 2 adult sons 2 grandsons adult daughter deceased 5/05 me:Part time trainer H: plant suprv.
I hope it didn't show while I was talking to her after reading the "letter". My reaction on the inside wasAgain!!?? Then just an empty sorrow later on as I knew I'd probably never be able to reach her. I hope I'm wrong and maybe with a little time what I said will sink in.
The not liking kissing thing started fairly early in our relationship, yet another warning sign I ignored. Mainly she just didn't like aggressive kissing. Tongues? Well if they don't go too far. Now it's to the point where she really doesn't even want an open mouthed kiss at all.
I don't and never have smoked and my breath is still good as long as I brush, floss and brush my tongue. I think that goes for everyone anyway. I have good teeth and gums, been going to the dentist twice a year since I had teeth.
She hugs on D but doesn't kiss her.
W didn't start her job today because they hadn't gotten the results from her background check. Looks like she will start Monday instead. It's just as well because she is coming down with what ever I am just now getting over. Sinus infection.
If she initiated a separation, first I would be in shock. I don't believe that would ever happen. If it did though... I would be relieved because I would feel we were on the same page. It would mean that she is able to release me. We would be able to release one another knowing that there is just something no longer right about our marriage any longer.
I chose this letter over my ultimatum letter. I wasn't ready for an ultimatum and wanted to leave the door open for her. The door to my heart has always been open for her to step right in any time she wishes to. I only wish that hers was open to me as well.
I don't believe that would ever happen. If it did though... I would be relieved because I would feel we were on the same page. It would mean that she is able to release me. We would be able to release one another knowing that there is just something no longer right about our marriage any longer.