(((JULIA))) thank you for your thoughts, sweet friend!! It is extremely unlikely that he would come and visit me here in Atlanta unless he had already decided he was interested in romance/reconciliation. It's easy for me to "happen to be in NYC" because I have friends there to see and to stay with, and it's equidistant from where I used to live and still visit (Boston) and where my family lives (Virginia) so I can always pop in on the way from one to the other. But he doesn't have any excuse to come to Atlanta unless he came here to do some sort of concert...??
My days in Atlanta are numbered though. Now that I've graduated I am probably going to stay here only through May at the max. Part of the reason I met with the cello teacher in NYC (that turned into a disaster) was because I was interested in moving to NYC to study with him... or even living at my parents' and traveling to NYC a couple times a month for a lesson. But after the disastrous meeting, those two possibilities have been eliminated, so if I wanted to be in NYC I would have to come up with some other legitimate reason.
Right now I am seriously thinking about moving back to Boston so I could be working with my old tutoring clients (and supporting myself) and studying with an awesome teacher there (maybe doing another program). Basically coming to the realization that how I've been living for the past 2 1/2 years has been really unbalanced, and I need to bring balance back into my life. But I am thinking so hard about it my head feels like it is going to explode!!!!! One of my friends tried to tell me to take a month off from even thinking about what I am doing next, and let my subconscious do the work.
(((ALI)))) I am SO excited you are doing yoga!!!!!!!! Do not worry if your body is sore... that is normal.... even if you are sore everywhere. The more you do it, the less that will happen. The only way you could hurt yourself is if you did something with bad alignment, and your teacher should be on the lookout for that. I would be so excited to do yoga with you in cornwall!!
Hey T.. I thikn your text message sounded fine.. wait and see if the recording turns up I guess? THen you can respond to him!
What did you mean that the full moon stuff I posted helped you? Was it cos of your cello lesson? Interesting that it didnt go so well and you are now feeling the pull of home.. where like yuo said you have students you can tutor and a great teacher. Sounds like a plan to me! If you are meant to see B, I am sure taht would still happen, without being in NYC, but I appreciate it would make it damn harder to.
Thanks for sticking with me on my post.. wow, keeps rumbling on for us hey.
Sounds like quite a transitional time for you, I'm not surprised you feel like your head is going to explode. I like the idea of a month off - how would you feel about doing that? After all your finals it might be nice to chill for a while.
I went to Boston and loved it; it was one of my favourite cities. It has such a different feel to NY. Do what is right for you - and Boston to NY is not that far really.
You did such a good job with B and were great at not pressurising. I think he responded well too so I think you can give that a big tick as having worked!
P.S - when I think of Virginia I automatically think 'The Waltons'. I *loved* that programme!
It is so nice to hear from both of you!!!! Yesterday was WAY better, a little voice in my head told me that the best way to deal with the traumatic cello lesson is just to PLAY instead of thinking and brooding about it. So yesterday I spent a couple hours in my apartment practicing (a big 180 for me, I've always practiced at school before, but I feel a little weird trying to do that now that I've graduated) and then went to yoga class and then one of my BFFs came over and we talked until 2 in the morning!!!
(((ali))) yes, that is basically my plan. I sort of feel like not dealing with my sitch for the moment, but if he reaches out in any way I will probably choose to respond. The full moon stuff really helped me, just to know that what I thought was totally devastating was something that was actually positive. And again, I am SO excited you are doing yoga now!
(((julia))) OMG... you made me laugh so hard about the Waltons!! I am glad you loved it! Actually, the part of Virginia I grew up in was very urban... right next to DC... so... not like the waltons at all!! thank you for your understanding about the transition. I was talking about it with my friend last night and she really encouraged me just to try to make it work for me to spend a little more time in Atlanta, where I can stabilize and feel safe, and let things settle down enough in my mind that I can make a good decision about what to do next. So that's what I'm thinking for now. I'm glad you loved Boston though If I move back maybe you can visit me on your way to Sydney??
It's so good to "see" you! I hope everything is falling into place in your life. I have missed you a lot, but I totally understand needing to take a break!
Not much to report... went to a danish film festival and had chai tea lattes with some friends... am playing a masterclass tomorrow.
So, update time-- The school in Boston I'm thinking about going to is possibly recruiting me, or maybe just recruiting cellists in general, either way it's good news. I got really excited about preparing to audition for them, so I think I am going to audition at the end of february. I'm still not totally sure if it's what I want to do next, but it makes sense to create that opportunity for myself. I am hoping to stay in Atlanta through the spring and just use the time to stabilize. Also, I played really well in the masterclass, which made me feel really good after the previous disaster in early january.
I have been alternating between feeling relieved and happy that I'm done with grad school and now have time to recenter in my own joyfulness, and feeling totally overwhelmed by all the time I've been spending alone in my apartment, facing these big questions like, who am I? what should I do with my life? where I belong? am I doing the right thing? I think I've been spending WAY too much time inside my own head... so I joined the gym as an alumni, so I can have human contact and exercise, and I've been going to yoga... but still fiddling with the proportions of my life.
I have also been thinking about B a LOT, and not sleeping well. Not necessarily any major new thoughts... I really, really, really wish I could get some feedback from him about my career plans, and what happened at the disastrous cello lesson. (Essie, if you're reading, I thought it might be a good opportunity to get him really worked up on my behalf). But I am also afraid to expose him to the extent of the chaos inside my mind, and my current insecurity about my abilities!!!
I haven't contacted him since our last meeting/text exchange.... a combination of just not feeling like dealing with it, feeling sort of emotionally unpresentable, and not knowing whether or not what I have been doing is "working". The package he mentioned that he'd send me has not yet appeared. Today he included me in a mass email, "I am switching to this new email address to use it in conjunction with my ever-changing-always-improving website. The other address will still work but I will be using this as my primary address. Thanks!" (WHY does he want me to know about his website? I haven't even looked at it yet.) I'm just not really sure how to proceed...? it seems clear that I need to focus on making myself happy, yet at the moment that seems somewhat mysterious ?
((mishka)) thank you for checking in to me! you are so sweet!! (((everyone))))
As the person who pointed me towards "Passionate Marriage".... make sure you are not too fused with B! I think you should live for you, and do what you do for you. If you want to let him know what's hp, then tell him. If you want to ask his advice, then ask. If someone else catches your eye, go with it, at least for a while. See how you feel. But do it all for you, take care yourself, hold onto yourself. Cut the ties, there might be new ones made, but I think the old ones are holding you back.
The more you do it, the less that will happen. The only way you could hurt yourself is if you did something with bad alignment, and your teacher should be on the lookout for that. I would be so excited to do yoga with you in cornwall!!