Anyway...onward and upward. She's firmly committed to her path of anger and just seems to want me to play into it again just because we are communicating again (to some extent) - and I'm just not interested in returning her volley. I'd rather let the ball pass, give her the point, the game and the match...and move onto another court with a player that enjoys the game more than drama of each questionable ball. Let her have her Pyrrhic victory...I prefer the calm life I am enjoying without her.
Carlos,
I think you summed it up perfectly in this quote. I also think that people who spar for arguments eventually exhaust themselves. By not responding to her, she may try to engage a bit more, but eventually, she'll feel she won and stop raising the issue.
Like the DR says, you tried something different. That's good. You are monitoring the results and behaving accordingly. All very well done.
Hi Veronica, I don't know if she'll ever exhaust herself...she really seems to love to being angry...maybe my silence in response to that email will make her feel right...that's okay...she's going to think she's right no matter what I say.
Things are a bit different...while I ignored the bitter email she sent me - I did respond to a separate email she sent me about how to schedule time with our son over the next few days. She had tried to schedule our time only on her terms - which I did not agree to - and so we exchanged some emails this morning about her picking him up early today and having him with her this evening (usually my time) - and in turn he would spend more of Monday with me and his brother. So we actually communicated and compromised for the first time in a long, long time...which is also interesting. Does this mean anything has changed? Don't know. Don't care. It's just something I've taken note of - and will continue to be myself no matter how bitter or angry she gets with me.
here's something funny...in the past, pre-bomb, she would argue with me about colors - always correcting me in how I saw colors - she was so convincing that she actually had me convinced that I had somehow lost my ability to distinguish between different colors - and I started thinking of myself as color-insensitive...now that she's out of the house and no on e is around to dispute my sense of color...I have no problem recognizing a red as red and orange as an orange or a blue as a blue...it used to be that when I said something was blue she would say it had more shades of green...If I said it was red, she would say pink or purple...just a constant need for conflict even over something utterly mundane.
Okay...enough venting...I'm feeling to good about my day today to spend too much of my time thinking about her wackiness...I'll think instead about a new screenplay I want to start writing soon...can't say much about it yet...since you never know how quickly ideas can spread through the ether.
You sound good. I am glad you are able to take note of changes and stop there. It is important to monitor results and not fall into the trap if reading too much into the meaning of what they say and do. I think we know I fall into that trap a lot.
Good news on starting a screenplay. It is so awesome that you are able to retain your creative energy through all of this.
Hi V, I'm doing okay. I still get sad - mostly little pangs of sadness every now and then - but I really just have myself on this path that's separate from hers now - and I am committed to staying with it. I talked with my S11 tonight about moving to a different house - and told him how much fun it would be to decorate it to our taste - and also how wise it would be to save some money by moving into a smaller place. He seemed to like the idea more and more as I talked about it - so I'm going to give notice here next week and plan on moving in March - which is kind of a relief - and should give me a real sense of renewal.
My S11 and I went to a friend's house for dinner tonight - we had pizza and watched some Battlestar Galactica - it was fun and relaxed - and something just a little different. Tomorrow morning my W (I don't want to call her that anymore...weird...)...I'm going to refer to her by an initial from now on - not her initial - since that would get confusing...but something that means something just to me...B will be coming by tomorrow to drop off my S2 in the morning and then we're going to head out for my S11's all-star soccer tournament. He has two games tomorrow - and then two more on Sunday...so he'll be exhausted this weekend...lucky for him he doesn't have school on Monday.
I spent part of the day today just sitting and writing in a cafe - a cliché I hadn't lived up to for a long time - anyway - I did, and while I was sitting there I had the chance to interact with a few different women...and it was nice. It wasn't anything flirtatious (well, okay, it was a bit with one woman) - but it was mostly just a matter of being out of the house and in the company of other people - and realizing just how many people there are in this world...and also remembering how easy it can be to start a conversation with someone.
The flirtatious conversation happened when a woman sat down next to me on a couch and couldn't find a spot to plug in her lap top...I helped her find the outlet, and then it was a bit of flirting as she tried to pass the cord over my head, under my feet and then finally around the table...it was nice...and innocent...and just made me feel less invisible than I had felt in a while...there was nothing more to our interaction than that - but it made me happy nonetheless.
I think B is starting to fade a bit faster from my life than I had expected...strange feeling...almost as though a switch had been flicked...I am beginning to see the many positives of extricating myself from her anger, her family's toxicity, her disloyalty, her criticism and distance, and the sadness I used to have in thinking that I had married someone that just didn't appreciate me at all...as I was writing today, I just remembered how she started to resent my writing...and even went so far as to tell my father that I was like Jack from the Shining when I write...goodness...I just realized how often I stopped myself from writing when she was home, just to avoid her anger...that's not a good memory...I know we had happy moments too - many of them - many beautiful moments...but they're gone now, replaced with distance, silence and more anger.
I'll have to do my best to be there for my baby boy as he grows up - be there as I've been for my S11 - and offer him an alternative to the ways of being that prevail in B's family.
Hello, my friend. I've had a week from Hell, so I've been unable to post (got close to posting as I was catching up, but then had a someone come in and stay in my room for 40 min).
Anyway, I'm glad you got out and were able to flirt a bit. It is innocent and it is also good for you. It reminds you that you are alive.
As for W's moods and the like, you are doing well to ignore the nasty and for standing your ground when she tries to control you. My XW does the same thing - remember, parallel lives and parallel wives for us, brother.
It is about control. She wants it still and the less and less she gets it from you, the more frustrated she'll become at first. However, if you can maintain your consistency, she'll stop trying to push your buttons and control you b/c she'll know it doesn't work.
So, be on your toes and don't let your guard down. Instead, be guarded w/W (as I am at all times w/XW) and keep establishing your boundaries (isn't it funny how quickly they back down when you stand up to them?).
Your W must display consistent behaviors for several, several months before the sheild can be lowered even a tiny bit. I speak from knowledge as I'm in the same boat - remember?
It is unfortunate we share similarities b/c I know and understand your pain. However, it is also comforting to know you aren't alone and this isn't about you.
Yes, we did make choices that led us to be w/the women we chose and we did make choices that helped cause friction in the marriage...but we chose to stand and fight...we chose to try and change and they did not.
It is hard to be in the shoes we wear, but in time, we'll be glad we made the journey.
Hi Rob: Thanks for taking the time to check in before your trip - I'm sure you're going to have an amazing time - and, wow, what an opportunity to witness history in the making.
You're so very right about keeping my guard up - especially since these past few days have just served as a reminder that her anger goes deep - and she will take any opportunity she can to release it on me. It's tricky with someone like her, since she's pretty brilliant and manages to twist things in some remarkable ways. In fact, just the way she summarizes her take on my behavior - saying that I was aggressive than that I was back tracking and trying to redefine my behavior, etc - and pointing to that as one of the reasons she had to leave...It's the kind of thing she used to do that would make my head spin...it seemed to be her specialty - one that she seemed to have learned from her father - who also has a habit of being angry and then accusing the person he's taking it out on of being angry (he's tried that a few times with me - each time I told him he was misdirecting his issues - which only aggravated him more...
Veronica, Thanks for checking in - the boys are just getting ready to go - and then we'll be off for the day. It should be a lot of fun as I love these days of just being outside with my sons.
Remember that she is smart and although that surprises you, in fact it should not surprise you at all.
See, her intelligence is the reason she's been able to keep up her facade, her charade for all these years. She is smart enough to trick herself into denying the truth and accepting fantasy as reality.
The mind of an addict is very cunning indeed. I don't quite know what your W's addiction is, but I know my XW is an addict in a few ways and she uses her intellect to protect her from the truth.
Hi Rob, It does seem like she uses her intelligence to keep up a facade - and she is damn good at it too. I don't know what her addiction is, to be honest...though it does seem to be her work - since she has always been willing to sell her soul to her work - and the worse they treat her at a job, the more she tries to please the people she works for...
Even before she dropped the bomb she worked ridiculously long hours just to please her abusive supervisor...and after the bomb dropped it just got worse...though I think she may have also been having an EA with her "mentor".
Sometimes I wonder if she's just addicted to being angry with me...tonight she got angry with me for asking her to confirm what time she was going to bring my baby boy back on Monday morning.
It's been three days in a row now that she's been wearing that necklace I gave her...she was even wearing it this morning when she dropped of my baby boy - and she looked like she had just crawled out of bed...and was wearing it tonight...when she looked like she had gotten dressed up for something...her car was filled with shopping bags...which makes me wonder if she isn't addicted to shopping...
I don't know if it's right to say this out loud...but I don't think I even really like her anymore...It's such an odd feeling - knowing that I love her...but just not liking her...it kind of came to me today while I was at my S11's soccer games - just loving the time with my baby boy while his older brother played dazzling soccer (they lost the first game - and took out their frustrations in the second game...). Anyway, as I sat there with my two boys some mothers commented on how kind a man I was and how good a father...and I even overheard someone say something very nice about me in Spanish (for some reason they must have thought I didn't speak Spanish since I don't have an accent at all...don't know)....anyway...it was nice to be there and get such a neutral reminder that I am a good father and a good man - all while getting to spend precious time with my sons.
<<I played more with our baby boy she accused me of not caring about him but just playing with him in order to make her have sex with me....(I still cannot make sense of that accusation)...
maybe she read my post where I said H playing marco polo with S9 made me feel all warm & fuzzy towards him & I wanted to make love to him after that.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
