Hi there Energy....I had to come check out your sitch after you posting on my thread....it was nice of you to stop by and try to help me out so I thought I would return the favor, in case I have anything helpful to say!
I know you don't know my story, but I was a WAW after 15 years of marriage. We are divorced now, and it was very very painful. (My other thread is about my current relationship, I am engaged again and happy...but anyway....)
I have only read this thread of yours, so I am only going off from this one update that your wife had an epiphany and you are now confused as to how to relate to it...
Energy, please let me just say one thing: the biggest lesson in DB is also a very common lesson in the dating world. When you pursue too hard, the person you are pursuing runs in the opposite direction. But when you are strong, confident, and you know yourself very well, you know you will not "die" without someone else, it makes you very very attractive.
So...when you told your W that you were going to seek custody, she knew you were ok with yourself now and not pursuing her. You suddenly became very attractive to her.
PLEASE do not let this ball stop rolling!!!
Whatever you do (and it does sound like you are doing well so far) do NOT give her the impression that reconciling is the thing that will make you happy. What will make you happy is to be stable, a good parent, and self-assured that your life will be whatever you make it be. THIS is attractive. But acting like a life without her is going to be horrible is NOT attractive. (I know you are doing good....I am just totally reiterating this for you, you need to keep focused on it!!)
Your confusion about how you feel is totally normal, because she has jerked you around a LOT in the past year. You are being honest with her and telling her you doubt things can just get all better quickly now....and you are also being very fair and honest by allowing you and her to both understand that you fear she might retreat back into "I don't love you" on a whim. This is honesty, and its great!
However...the one thing I think you need to really look at is this: SHE does not have control over your future, YOU do. When you truly take that into your heart and mind and put it into practice, you will no longer be confused. This is much much MORE than just deciding if you want her back or not. This is about being a strong, self-assured man and individual, who is SURE of their own feelings, intentions and motivations.
If you can truly take this under your skin and apply it to your life, you will REMAIN attractive to her and the likelihood that she will change her mind on a whim again will be much decreased.
My sitch was not like yours in many ways, and not like most other posters here. The reason for that is that, one of the reasons I left my husband was because he never pursued me, he was very inactive about me. He wanted me to just stick around him with no effort on his part. I begged him to pursue me, to date me, to try to "win" me even though we were married. This was a very high need I had and I went without it for our entire marrige. When I left him, I told him the only way this would work was if he pursued me and dated me and showed me he really WANTED me that way.....this seems to be the opposite of all the other posters here. Most WAS's seem to loathe being pursued and DB advises not to do it. I prayed to be pursued and begged him to pursue me. He did not, so we ended up divorced. Therefore, my story feels so different from others here. I am actually jealous when I read about the LBS's who are pursuing and begging their spouse to return, as I had longed to hear that from my ex-H and never did....
So that is just a little back ground for you....
But having said that, I want to say something that I very much DO understand and that I fear maybe you need to hear....
My ex-h was a "nice guy". As much as women love nice guys, we are rarely sexually attracted to them. This does not mean we are attracted to jerks, it means we are attracted to CONFIDENCE and self-assured men. We are attracted to a man who has a spine and will not let anyone walk all over them in any way. We are attracted to a man who knows who he is, he does not need us to define him. We are attracted to a man who goes after what he wants with confidence, not neediness and man who does not subjugate his own needs for ours. Even though we will push him and see how much we can get away with (men do this too), we actually want him to show us where his boundaries are, and they better not be too far in or we will lose respect for him (again, men test women in the same way).
I hope you absorb this as I fear that maybe you are going to give her the vibe that you are at her mercy to decide what will happen to YOUR future. I know you are taking steps to make sure she doesn't get that message....however, if the truth is that you ARE at her mercy because you love her so much, she will pick up on this and lose attraction for you again.
Another suggestion, as you move forward into dating her and trying to see where this might lead....at some point I suggest that you firmly and lovingly tell her that although you are excited at the prospect that this might work out after all, you need her to commit to it and stop chasing other men. Don't soften the blow, either. She knows what she is up to and in truth she is discusted with herself. Don't beat her up for it, but just factually say that you can't date her if she's chasing other men....unless you want to open the floor for YOU to date others as well but I doubt you would want that.
I have a lot of hope for you in your sitch, if you can truly settle into your manhood and put YOURSELF at the power position....she will have no choice but to be immensely attracted to this....
Good luck, And thanks again for stopping by my thread...
