Yes, V, take some tissue with you...it had my eyes watering at parts...not bawling though...that said, I wonder if it would have been more emotional if I had seen it this week...
I guess letting go takes time - and, much like the process of falling in love...not that your love has to stop when you let go - not at all - I still love my W very much - perhaps even more than I did before - but it's a love that insists on letting her go - and letting her be as she has to be - as she needs to be - and without my interference. Would that the old kind of love that I had could have been surgically removed and replaced with this newer type it would have been a lot less painful...(or so I like to imagine).
I may go see Doubt soon...that looked very interesting...I saw Gran Torrino a couple weeks ago....I thought it was okay...but as a screenwriter I couldn't help but cringe at some first-draft mistakes...
Try something different! Anything! As long as it's not displaying weakness or desperation. And politely calling her on her rudeness is as far away from weakness as you can get!
Just remember, don't judge the results too quickly. Many times people have a negative reaction at first. Kind of like a spoiled brat tantrum. Keep up the new behavior for at least two weeks. Then assess the results.
Manly strong hugs, Carlos!
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Thanks, Techguy - I think it's going to make things interesting for a while - since I don't think she was expecting that from me at all...as a matter of fact...just now she picked up my baby boy again - and once again she ignored me when I said hello - so I just laughed at it saying, "oh, you better say hello or I'm going to get medieval on your a$$" - totally disarmed her...and she then actually answered me when I asked her what she thought our baby's favorite meal was (at her place). Pesto pizza...easy enough...anyway..the subtext/joke in my getting medieval is that I was a medievalist in grad school...I don't know if she got that part of the joke though...whatever...it's all the same to me...
One off thing worth noting - she was wearing a necklace I had given her tonight - on the outside of her blouse so it was clearly visible...I know not to make anything of it - and that's probably nothing more than a pretty necklace to her - but it was interesting to see her with it on again nonetheless - since I clearly pissed her off last night...
It was strange - but her anger just seemed laughable to me tonight. Like a little kid having a tantrum - when my S11 used to have his tantrums (around the age of four) I would just laugh at the intensity of it - and at how easily it would pass - it felt just like that with her tonight...so I won't bite at her anger-lure at all...no thank you.
just now she picked up my baby boy again - and once again she ignored me when I said hello - so I just laughed at it saying, "oh, you better say hello or I'm going to get medieval on your a$$" - totally disarmed her.. .
Hi Dudess and Veronica, It felt good not to be negative at all with her - and not to take on any of her negativity - it felt like I was free of it - at least for a day...
Tonight when I went to the men's group I talked about it some - and had an interesting realization as I talked about my interaction with my W - and my challenging her on not saying hi...it occurred to me that she felt it was aggressive because I had taken control away from her by bringing it up - and it probably felt like things used to feel to her - when I was in control (according to her) and so it's even more important for me to just offer her my kindness now. I want for her to take the journey she has to take - and I don't want to interfere with it at all...so I'm going to stick to the kindness on my part - showing her respect even when she doesn't show my respect - and offering her kindness even though she can't return it.
She is fading from my life - I know that much...I feel very certain of it...and, honestly, I feel like this person that she is/was/has become just has to do what she has to do - and that journey does not include me. If she comes out of it and wants to be with me then, we'll see...I can't say if I'll be interested in us by then one way or another...but I do know that I am ready to let her go completely now...it saddens me...but I accept that as reality. I just want her to be happy and healthy.
Well, she kind of responded but not really. All she did was tell me that he's down to two feedings a night but would not yet agree that he should start spending nights with me in Feb. She has this habit of not answering my questions directly - only answering the part of the question that she feels like addressing - it gets pretty annoying...
This is interesting - she's suddenly emailing me every morning. Here's a note I got from her this morning in response to my email about how she interpreted my behavior:
Hi,
I disagree-- and think that this is probably one of the main reasons why I have moved out. You were angry and agressive and now you are trying to redefine and justify your behaviour. Regardless, it was inappropriate, especially with the goal in mind of being peaceful in front of Auden. A more appropriate way to act would be to email asking if everything is okay or if I'm okay.
Please remember you do not know what is going on in my life-- I had oral surgery on Monday afternoon and the pain is exhausting. It hurts to talk. This is why I think your plan of attack was presumptuous and aggressive.
Besides that, I really don't like to discuss things with you when picking up S2, as I've mentioned before, especially awkward conversations like how you think you and my parents should interact.
.................. So...she still puts everything on me and is happily projecting her anger onto me...that's fine, there's nothing new in that. I'm not going to respond to these kind of emails from her anymore...only the ones in which she asks me questions - and only to answer the questions. When I first read this note, my impulse was to respond, defend and explain myself - but that's useless - and it accomplishes nothing - so I'll just let her words be there - and move on with my life. She'll have this anger toward me regardless of what I do - as is evident in the fact that she doesn't tell me she's having oral surgery and then seems to blame me for not know...fascinating...and so very consistent with how things had been.
I was just reading through a bit of Gottman's Seven Principals - and, well, just her single email is filled with what he calls the four horseman that indicate a marriage doomed to fail...I'll have to pick up a copy of the book...I was just reading through it in a bookstore while waiting for my car to get repaired...
Anyway...onward and upward. She's firmly committed to her path of anger and just seems to want me to play into it again just because we are communicating again (to some extent) - and I'm just not interested in returning her volley. I'd rather let the ball pass, give her the point, the game and the match...and move onto another court with a player that enjoys the game more than drama of each questionable ball. Let her have her Pyrrhic victory...I prefer the calm life I am enjoying without her.
