Hi. It looks like you have a large group of people who respond to your posts. Not sure you need anyone else chipping in, but here goes.
All I can really do is compare my situation with yours. There are similarities, but obviously you're hearing from me, not my wife. She (unlike you) isn't going to marriage forums for help. I'm the one who really brought the problems in the marriage out in the open. She would have just lived with the problems--and eventually divorced me.
So unlike your husband, whose idea of addressing his needs was to look outside the marriage for companionship, I recognized what was happening in my marriage and took action to remedy the problem. That's a crucial difference in our situations.
But not far below the surface, our situations have many common elements. I was absorbed in activities outside the family. I helped with conservation and wildlife projects. These volunteer efforts took a huge part of my time. I designed my vacation time so I could lead projects throughout the state. In the process, I took my family for granted. My wife focused on raising our daughter. She was totally absorbed by parenting. We both knew that our daughter would be our one and only child. So my W was completely focused on our daughter. It was next to impossible for me to get alone time with her, to go out to eat or to see a movie, without our daughter in tow. If we saw a movie, it was a kids' movie. If we went out to eat, it was a family restaurant.
As a result, intimacy gradually dried up. I pulled away from my wife into outside projects. I became more critical and negative in interactions with my wife. As a result, she pulled away further into the mother/daughter cocoon. And this continued for ... well, my daughter is 9 years old now.
I think this story is very, very common.
As I read the DB forums and as I read books about marriage, I keep encountering this same story over and over. The wife isn't happy with the marriage. The husband isn't happy with the marriage. But they don't know how to restore the situation and make the marriage work. And to a certain extent, one spouse (or maybe both) have really stopped caring whether the marriage works. They just live with the problems. And maybe they look for love outside the marriage. They remain in the marriage because of the children and because of the relatively comfortable lifestyle that the marriage provides. Maybe they go to a marriage counselor. But the problems are well ingrained and difficult to shake.
For me, the wake-up call started when I read John Gottman's WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL. As he described problematic behavior that causes marriages to falter, I kept recognizing myself. I had to face the fact that I was responsible for a large part in the failure of the marriage. For several years, I assumed my wife was to blame. She was the one who stayed out all night drinking with friends. She was the one who had affairs. I had to accept my responsibility in the alienation of my wife.
How did our turnaround occur? It started with a separation. Once I confronted my wife with her infidelity, she insisted that I had to move out. Sort of ironic that I was forced to move out, not her. But our daughter's life had to remain stable. That meant she had to stay with her mom ... at home. I was the odd man out.
At first, I assumed we were headed for divorce. I was very dark and pessimistic, but then I started reading self-help books about marriage. Eventually the darkness faded away and I started to see some promise in the marriage -- if I made many major changes. I made the changes, my wife liked what she saw, and because she really wanted the marriage to work, she asked me to move back in.
So the question then is, how do you get your husband to wake up? Do you really still WANT him to wake up? Is there anything that YOU can do to urge him toward change? Or is this up to him alone?
Okay, okay, the other people in the forum are probably all shaking their heads going, "We've already been all over this territory." And they're right. I wish I could step in here and offer some great new choice morsel of wisdom that would solve your situation. But I can't. All I can do is show you a case where someone in a situation, with similarities to your own, was able to work on reconciliation. My situation is still very much a work-in-progress. My wife and I have a LONG way to go in the restoration of our marriage. But we're both working together (and struggling together).
I don't know your husband. I don't know what it would take to break through to him. Maybe a separation. Maybe seeing you moving forward with your life--without him in tow. Maybe seeing you dating other men. I'm not saying that's the right thing in your situation, but he will need a major shock to his system. What can provide that major shock? What can really make him rethink his behavior? Just hearing your pleads/complaints (whatever describes your approach) probably won't do it. You've tried that approach for several years, right? So more of the same won't work.
So what can provide a major shock to his system? I throw this question out to the forum. What has brought others back? Was there indeed a turning point? Was there an event or a revelation or an ephiphany that made a spouse understand their role in the failure of a marriage?
The marriage was good at one time, right? What things did you do together? Can those good times be restored? Sharing good times together is absolutely essential. Finding those good times again can be the key to restoring the marriage.
Of course, this all assumes you really want to restore the marriage ... Is that still the case?
Sorry if I'm just retreading what you've already heard many times before.
me: 50 w (waw): 45 daughter: 9 m: 16 t: 19 bomb: 9/26/08 status: physical separation for 7 weeks, then work-in-progress R
That wasn't directed at you hun ... We were having a conversation, your my friend, we have a relationship, the other poster doesn't know me from adam. That was the point I was trying to get across.
Gary,
I welcome any comments you have about your own situation and what you are through, the more the merrier.
Well I guess you could say our marriage has been ok. I got married young (19) and I would have definately waited if I had a brain in my head then. He was very controling and jealous. He changed over time, and became more secure with me, His own father was VERY jealous man, I do believe this may be genetic.. anyways, As time went on things changed, I won't say it was easy, but I got through it and things did get better.
Now its a matter of his insecurities with himself. I think he feels inadequate with me. He has do this to himself. I tell him over and over again and try to reassure him, but its not enough.
In the bedroom arena, he didn't feel that he was getting enough. Im happy with 1 day a wk. He's not. This is our wk area, not the actual act, but the frequency. This has been more of an issue after my first son was born.
We don't spend quality time with each other, I have communicated this to him a lot.
I know I can be hard to live with sometimes, im stubborn and bull headed. I get on the defense easily, and am a very independent person. Which means that I don't like when he messes with my system, so to speak. But this is both our faults. He's not home a lot, and when he is home, he expects certain things from the kids, and because he's not around, they are not used to his barking. Mind you, he loves the kids, but sometimes is to harsh, and that's when we bang heads.
I know what you mean about your W throwing herself into parenting. I too am like that. The kids are the most important thing to me. That can be bad and good. My kids are small so they are very dependent at this stage, I do think my H is a bid jealous of that.
BUT, I also have made several attempts to be alone with my H, but to no avail.
Yes I absoultely want to help my M. Its a work in progress though. I have my really bad days, and really good days. Its a long roller coaster ride.
As far as threatening seperation, That wouldn't help anything in my case. He is far too stubborn for that and would tell me to go right ahead. He is not the type to be begging, trust me.
I know what I have to do, its just hard when he's constantly not here.
We need to make more time for us.. and I have to insist on it.
Learn to seperate our business relationship with our Marriage. (I work for his business, I should say our business, doing estimates and bidding all day).
He's got a very difficult personality. Hes either really nice or really mean, there is no middle ground.
Its funny, when I took him to the airport last sunday, it was just him and I, and without our kids yelling and screaming in the back of the car, we actually had a nice conversation, and it felt great. He was attentive and really nice. It felt good, and Im miss that.
Last edited by tiredandlost; 01/16/0904:32 PM.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Our children mean so much to us but they do pull the parents in different directions. It is so hard to keep that emotional, romantic connection when one is being continually interrupted by the needs of others.
((((((HUGS)))))))
I am sure that was an enormous factor in the downfall of my M........but look......we got it back again and I am sure you will as you are so aware of the problems.
I know these Leos aren't so easy to deal with!!!!!!! But generally I believe they are worth the effort - but I guess I am biased!!!!!LOL
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I have to say that you "leos" are good people. Of course you are or I wouldn't be so attracted to them..
Really though, My H is very affectionate, and does tell me that im beautiful almost every day. That is the part that I love about him.
Its the balance between being a mommy and being a wife.. and leaving a little in there to being a woman. Its hard. I know that now its harder because the kids are small, but as they get older it will get better.
I'm a patient person and hopeful.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Ok today. Really tired. S6 had a haircut appt. this morning, it was so bitter cold out I don't know what I was thinking making it this morning!
Came home and haven't done much. Im really lazy today. H called and said he won't be home until tomorrow night. Which is fine. I wanted to get the house a little more in ordee when he comes home.
Other than that, nothing else going on. Tonight will be an early one for me.
Hope you have a good day, catch some fish!!
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
... We were having a conversation, your my friend, we have a relationship, the other poster doesn't know me from adam. That was the point I was trying to get across. 
