Hi Julia, It sounds like your meeting went very well! And most important you handled yourself amazingly!!!! Very well done!
For a reply, how about something saying that you are looking forward to moving & moving to a new area where there is more nightlife & action. (Can't think of the exact words - but I think you know what I mean). Keep the mysterious Julia going! Cheers
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
I am feeling weird today. More confused at myself than him as I am not sure how I am feeling. It took me ages to get to sleep last night and then I woke up early so I am tired today. It is not really that I am thinking and analysing. I think the problem is that I do not know what to think. I don't know what to make of his texts, I don't understand and I have no idea how to answer them. THis is so radically different to me before being so clear about what I wanted - basically him back at any cost. I feel weird that I didn't come away from such a positive meeting feeling any kind of connection, like last time or the time before.
I feel guilty for feeling indifferent. If it was a friend that sent that text I would of course reply and say 'yes, it was great to see you and catch up' but we are not at that stage yet. I find his offers of help strange - is it just guilt? It feels different to his usual guilt texts, it does feel like a genuine offer and I know he wouldn't offer if he didn't mean it.
I have my choir concert tonight and am off to rehearsal soon, it should be exciting! Maybe that will give me a bit of focus. How about
'Yes, it was a nice evening. I'm actually quite excited about moving now. Thanks for the offer of help. The concert was excellent last night, it went really well.' I will send it tomorrow morning.
Any thoughts? Edits?
One thing I am learning, there isn't always an explanation!
I'm impressed by your meeting with h. I hope to have one of those one day with mine. I can feel the detachment growing and I totally get how you would question whether you want to be with him.
I agree with Kalni; the more we let go and move on, the more attractive we become. That doesn't mean necessarily they will come back, of course.
It sounds like you are not initiating contact. I would be fairly mysterious or at least not offering details about your move. It will be exciting for you and it is all about your life.
Julia - The offer of help is probably, at some level, from guilt. My xh does that all the time too. Take him up on his offer if you really do need the help but, if not, let it go and just thank him for the offer.
The detachment is good for you. Don't feel guilty about it. You have to come to that point to move forward in your life and that is exactly what you are doing. I'm so happy for you!
The draft of your text is great just the way you've written it IMO.
Have a wonderful time at choir tonight! Take care of you!
Michelle
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Mish...well,your exH also sent you a text saying you are a cutie, so might not be JUST guilt! eek.
Julia.. well done for not replying! Thats ace. Always pays to take a bit of control back.. especially if you are not sure how you feel about him now (wow, I'm jealous of all you lot saying you feel detached and not sure you still want them. Dang. How do I 'go off' my ex in that way !?)
Anyway...I think it would pay to give him a *little* more positive encouragement, afterall, his text was pretty open and honest. So his said...
Originally Posted By: JCJ
I hope you had a nice evening, I did. It was good to catch up and chat. I just wanted to say that I know how much you love the house and how much it means to you, and i'm truly sorry that we have to part with it. I hope you find a lovely place to live.'
'Also if there's anything I can do to help you find a place, or to actually move, or anything like that, just ask.'
and you said
Originally Posted By: JCJ
Yes, it was a nice evening. I'm actually quite excited about moving now. Thanks for the offer of help. The concert was excellent last night, it went really well.
your text was FINE! but if you wanted to give him a little more Jody-esque positive upliftment...as she says, use their terminology. If they say, it was great to chat... you say, yeah, enjoyed the chat, Subtle, but shows you are paying attention (unless you dont care to "db" and are just over this guy !!??). How about:
"I did have a good evening, it was great to catch up. Thanks for your offer of help, I'm pretty excited about moving now and I will start looking soon. The concert went great last night, I didnt hit any bum notes!"
... or something jokey about the concert??? As I always think humour wins the day.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
You've gotten so much good advice already, I don't feel like I have anything to add but... GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!! Way to go, girl!!!!!
Just two lil things... I think it's better to say "it was nice to chat with you too" or something like that instead of "it was a nice evening". Also like msmelancholy said, it might be worth it to be mysterious about your move. that seems to pique their interest...
that is so interesting that you are feeling no connection, but he seems to be stepping closer... weird!!!!
Thank you so much for your help. It is so nice to have you helping me and 'holding my hand'. Sometimes I feel a bit paralysed as to what to do as this is all quite new - the niceness coming from him. I am not letting my guard down though and have zero expectations!!
I have been thinking about stuff that I have always really wanted to do with my life but thought I wouldn't get the chance to do and one of then is that I'd really like to go and live in Sydney for 6 months and work and have fun, then maybe take 6 months off and just travel. I am going to make a list of stuff that I want to do and achieve and have the opportunity to do now I have no one left to answer to but myself. Once I get rid of the house I will be free of responsibilities (apart from the cat!) so the world is my oyster, as they say.
I did text him yesterday using a mixture of all of your suggestions and got no reply but he sent an email yesterday (probably about the same time as I texted), and it suggested Monday at 6 to meet the estate agents. He also added this line at the end
Hope tonight goes well, I would have loved to come but the fan in my oven has stopped turning so the landlord is coming round. See you soon. H.
lol, well he is really a DAM (I love that a fan oven takes priority lol), I used to take those things so personally, but that is a nice thing to say. Whether he is genuinely being nice or being nice because of the house sale I don't care, it is just a relief that he is (for the moment anyway) not being so avoidant and being a bit more open.
I just sent a reply back saying
Morning,
I could do Monday at 6.30?
I was going to go into some of the concert stuff but it is pointless, if he had come he would have heard how cool it was. There was a choir over from the US and they were amazing, then our choir and another one from London. We did a really cool version of Immortal Bach
Thats an interesting email from him.. I would have "loved to have come"... !??? I'd ignore the next bit, its just a valid excuse (without saying, I couldnt because of ow).. just par for the course. I told Jody my ex does this, paints himself as busy and as though he is a single guy with no time for an R.. and she said that is very respectful of him, not to mention ow, or rub your nose in it.. so perhaps your H was doing that.
But.. really, he would have loved to have come !? Did you invite him, lol?!
Well done on your email back - perfect!!! You are really different in how you intereact with him now. Before, that would have been a much longer email.. still, its more effective to see him in person and judge things that way, and you will see him on Monday at least.
Maybe the housing market is a little better.. I have had a viewing and 3 lined up on my flat this weekend, which is more than I have had for months.
I'd ignore the next bit, its just a valid excuse (without saying, I couldnt because of ow).. just par for the course.
Duh! yes, Ali - you are right!!!! It has just hit me about all the crap excuses he came up with last year too. God, I trust too easily. Oh well, it kind of makes it better for me. I was out doing something I really enjoy and he was stuck at home with a fan oven and ow.
Quote:
is very respectful of him, not to mention ow, or rub your nose in it.. so perhaps your H was doing that.
And I think this is true too. He would never rub my nose in it and also the whole not mentioning it through guilt thing too.
I did just say in passing that he was welcome to come along if he wanted (although I didn't say that he would have encountered my father lol! That would have been an interesting meeting:) ). He looked like he wanted to come and almost said yes then a funny look came over his face and he stuttered and I just said 'well it's on at 7.30 tomorrow night if you're free' and moved on.
