For years my mom used to tell me that I act before I think. The last few years, I realised she was wrong about that, as well as for many other things about me that she raised me to believe about myself. Right now I am again on one of those periods where I "over think". I guess what she mistook was the fact that sometimes, no matter how hard I thought things over I could not do what SHE wanted me to do. Because my heart pointed the other way. In her mind, to come to the decision I did, could only mean I didnt think about it, because if I had, I would end up to the conclusion she had reached herself.
Forrest that example about the bum, the way I read it, SCREAMS to me to give up. Because no matter what I give/ could give, what I will get back is limited. And its not enough.
Sunshine is gone. The transformation you would notice if you saw me day after day in real life I cant explain. I've gained weight (a nightmare for me-pretty big reason to feel depressed), my skin looks horrible, my eyes look dead, I am sleepy all the time (my self-defense mechanism-never fails), I go home late in the afternoon and stay in bed while my kids miss me and I cant do anything with them anymore. I stay away from my parents and brother just so that I dont have to talk to them about what is going on. I stopped cooking, I dont listen to music anymore. And this has got to stop. I cant allow this once again to happen to me. You know I share "me" a lot. Now, I am shutting down. Keeping distances from my dear friends. I think this is a huge turning point for me. As important as him leaving me 16 months ago.
I dont like what I see. I dont like the potential I see. All these years my romantic side kept his "image" to a certain level, I kept him up there ignoring what I didnt like or during the last years accepting them as parts of the man I loved. That's gone. I cant bring it back. I've tried. I dont find justifications for his lack of passion for life, I cant accept him being semi present anymore, I cant share his way of evaluating life.
Our kids are growing up fast, I am close to 40, my dad is dying (hopefully not soon), people around me are getting sick, having babies, start new careers, building houses, have goals, evolve... He is "stagnant". I have to lower my life's expectations to meet his. He woke me up. I am not putting myself to sleep again, not volunterily. I have another 10-20 creative years ahead of me (if I dont die sooner). He is a good man. But, not what I need. I am wondering what kind of role model he will be for our kids. I dont even like that idea.
He is a good man. Probably perfect for someone else. Not for me. NOT as long as he lives in his little world and doesnt "expand his horizons" . Do you know many people that dont Dream? Well, my H doesnt. I have asked him. He has no dreams for the future. Nothing. I do. Little ones but I do. I want to build that little house on the mountain, provide my kids an environment safe to dream, give them motives to become the best they can. I would like to watch an opera in Milan, a show in Broadway, go camping with my little ones just to have fun together under the stars, meet "my girl" in Africa that I support through Action Aid, remodel my bedroom, throw a big party when I get 40 and more little things like that... Spiritually/mentally/emotionally, I read, I always did, I like learning new things about human nature, I would like to improve... I could pursue many of these on my own, some I definitely couldnt on my own like build that house, but at least I am dreaming, I have desires...
I thought if I pushed hard enough, subtle enough, he would share some of these things with me. Nope... I let my dreams go as "not feasible" even it was something as simple as leave town for a long weekend. Everything had to be made so difficult, like pulling teeth from an alive man, like giving birth, being in labor for months (no painkillers)to deliver a ...mouce. I stopped pushing, stopped fighting. We collapsed.
Even this work addiction/ambition is a funny issue. He never dreamed of being so successful. For years I supported him, telling him he was one of the best. He left a job 3 years ago (was there since he was 18) and he was devastated and I was smiling. . He wanted to know why and I told him "now you will get to see how good you are, people will look for you and you will get many job offers". Didnt once doubted his value. He thought I was crazy, that I was optimistic, that we would be left with no money. 3 months later he got a job offer from this newspaper he is now a chief editor at. I was smiling again...
I am not re-writting history. Many of these things you will read about in my first few threads. Because I was aware. I guess I loved him still so much back then that I could "take it" . I dont anymore, and I cant.
I am preparing to give up. FG you know that already. Right or wrong, time will tell. It's a risk I am taking. I've played all possible scenarios in my head. I've tried to rationalize everything. It's sad. He could "save us". He has doomed us. I am ok with that. I am sad, mostly because I can see him being content with "so little" no man should ever be. I am empty, I am not settling. K
