Feeling...empty. # 53

[Forrest Gump]

"I see the semblances of a woman who is trying to hold it all together for very very good reasons, however not the reasons that will lead her to live a fulfilled and happy life."

Because you are reading the "surface". Kalni is not someone that would just hold on. She is a leader.. look around my friend.. look around. Right now to me.. she is just barking orders. And sometimes this works. It takes someone "listening" to the barking for the "leader" to have followers. Right now.. in this moment.. I think she is "leading" to quickly. She is leaps and bounds above his thinking. I will assure you of 1 thing.. her H does not like the barking.

"Fear and insecurity are not the appropriate reasons to hang on longer than you should."

They can be. It depends on the situation. Here.. in this post.. the "fear" is a good thing.

And not unexpected.

"Forrest you said it shows in my posts I dont want to lose him. I am not sure you are right. I am questioning that."

But you did not tell me I was "Wrong". I know you are on the fence. I know that. I said that because of the "Big Picture" and out "Walk" together.

You are voting with your "position".

All this crap started with him saying... "I wanna come home." and we have steadily walked into the crapper since then. The Sunshine has gone away.

"I think I am stubornly insisting that he could give me what I want while he proves day after day he cant. Maybe he wants to, but he CANT."

Again.. the bum reference comes to mind. You drive up and give him a "Euro".. everyday. Can you really expect that you can come and get 1/2 a "Euro" from him when you are down on the luck? You cannot expect that you giving.. will always allow someone to give back. There does come a point when someone is using you.. I just don't see that here. That bum.. may offer you a sip of his bourbon though. Yes.. the bourbon you bought. Cause that is all he has to give.

"Did I mention my friend visiting last night called him "emotionally invalid"."

Friends will "feed" off you. They see you.. and what you want. Don't trust this all the time.

Even here. Yes.. Even me.

"Because I dont want to let go of my "family"."

He is included in that statement. You have "family".

"Because I fought so damn hard for a year and it makes me feel hollow to give up now."

This is why I am "here". I have seen the work.

"Because I am afraid that raising the kids outside of a family will mean financial struggle, insecurity, lonely nights and I will not make it to the end."

Really? Are you going to "struggle"?

You have been alone.. for a year now.. I thought you were doing OK. You seemed happy. Maybe I was wrong... and misread.

"Because I am scared I am dreaming of non realistic situations and relationships meaning: can any marriage be what I want?"

You could be dreaming of "situations". But.. what does Marriage mean? The mods will tell you.. make it work. True Giving.

I just say.. "Do Work". There comes a time.. when you can see what it all means. The defining moment is.. "Free Expression".

What ever that means for you.

"So, I guess, I cant hide any longer. I cant run from myself. I am lonely and miserable."

Simply because he said... I want to come "Home".

You were not this person 6 months ago.. when you knew you were alone. Why can't you be like that.. when he is around?

You are not alone.. again.. look around my friend.. look around.

"For those being sick and tired of me complaining and moaning."

I heard moaning.

I surely did not see anyone saying they were sick of you... or the complaining.

Something is biting.. just in an annoying place. Maybe on a finger.. or that skin under your arm. Sometimes you have to put the place you like it.. right where they can see it.

Good Morning!