Yay to that! The pic IS funny isnt it! Dont worry about talking too much, thats usually my trick!
So, I realised last night... if you dont go away this weekend, but do it next week instead (you should!).. then, you will be going away on the eclipse in Aquarius (26th). Its linked to the last eclipses in August.. isnt that when H decided he wanted back? Just thought that was interesting timing....
Seeing as you are in the 'midst' of things, here is what this eclipse is all about, generally!
Solar Eclipses are very powerful New Moons and are known to herald significant endings and beginnings. Events that are triggered by an eclipse usually take six months to unfold, so you can expect this process of change to continue as you begin to feel like a flower opening its' petals. Special opportunities to break old patterns become apparent as you begin to make major changes in your life. Metamorphosis is another word associated with eclipses.
The Solar Eclipse on January 26, 2009 occurs at 7:56am at 6�30' degrees of Aquarius. This eclipse has plenty of energy to drive forward new ideas. Expansive Jupiter is conjunct the eclipse and seeds minds with visions far into the future. Saturn and Venus also play a part in this eclipse and reveal fresh forms for love and relationships of all kinds, and assist in overcoming any obstacles.
With any eclipse, what is hidden will come to light and your secret desires may not be secret anymore. You may break away from a relationship that no longer suits your needs, or you may be faced with changes beyond your control. The six months ahead will give you the time to sort through your feelings and explore other options. Remember: change is good!
..and Saturn in our sign of 'others' is still going backwards until end May. So..interesting 6 months!
I am taking a step back. For those being sick and tired of me complaning and moaning, I will stay quiet. Need to make a decision. Do I want this man, or not? Can he make me happy? All this "make yourself happy" is fine, but "life not shared is life stolen and wasted" as a greek wonderful song says... I can be happy on my own but then why would I need to stay married to him?
Forrest you said it shows in my posts I dont want to lose him. I am not sure you are right. I am questioning that. I think I am stubornly insisting that he could give me what I want while he proves day after day he cant. Maybe he wants to, but he CANT. Did I mention my friend visiting last nght called him "emotionally invalid". Ali told me "your H sounds like he has no idea what love is". I have heard that before. It made me think afterwards. Does he? Obviously not. And probably I didnt either before all this started. But I learnt, the hard way. And now I know, and I can tell what a compromise is and what's the difference between that and settling. But..., I insist. Because I dont want to let go of my "family". Because I fought so damn hard for a year and it makes me feel hollow to give up now. Because I am afraid that raising the kids outside of a family will mean financial struggle, insecurity, lonely nights and I will not make it to the end. Because I am scared I am dreaming of non realistic situations and relationships meaning: can any marriage be what I want? Am I a dreamer? An immature girl not facing reality? Because at nights, when I see bad dreams, I feel like I am a 6 yrs old, never an adult, I need someone, anyone, to just "be there" even if that is not true, even if that is just an idea I carefully maintain alive.
So, I guess, I cant hide any longer. I cant run from myself. I am lonely and miserable. I am taking a step back and talking to my IC, I need to do what is best for me, and to be "best" it has to be without guilt or regrets...
I am starting to feel like a psychologist when I read some posts. But I am definately not sick and tired of you complaining and moaning. A few things jump out at me when I read your recent posts. I really respect the fact that keeping the family unit together is important to you. I would opine that it is the only thing keeping you in this marriage. That is a sad realization and I may be off base a little but I doubt it. Whatever feelings you had for your husband are gone (or at least they do not come out in your posts). The fire is no longer there. For some reason I keep thinking back around Euro 2008 and how hard you were fighting. I do not feel that passion anymore. The reasons for the change are yours and yours alone and I respect that. What also is becoming clearer to me is that your husband has not changed. He is who he is and you may be expecting him to become someone he is not. You may want him to be more like someone else. The husband you describe here K is not even really a husband...more like a roommate. However, it sounds like he has always been this way. So do you actually think he can and will change? It has been three months that you guys are trying to piece this back together and I have yet to read that he actually did or said something concrete. Maybe him admitting that he had no idea of the pain he had caused you is one. I can accept his refusal to talk about the past (EA etc.) but I have difficulty accepting that these are the actions of a man who is "fighting" to get his wife back....a man fighting to get his family back. It just does not add up in my simple mind. Either you do not write the whole truth (I am sure you are being truthful) or he is not sure he wants back in. That is my conclusion K. He lacks the motivation to put forth the effort to make this thing we call a relationship work. Lastly, (this is along post) for the first time I sense your fear. Fear of the future ..... I think deep down we all have fears we need to overcome.
Yes, seems to me that he doesnt know the meaning of what it is to truly love someone. He hasnt learnt that lesson that you and I have. He has yet to experience that and grow through the pain of a lost love, grow up even. So, related to that.. I was saying I dont understand how he calls once, or just in the day and doesnt even bother to call to say goodnight (or text if he is busy at work). So my question was.. why not? Doesnt he NEED to do that? Doesnt he WANT to say goodnight to you? I spent 8 1/2 years saying goodnight to my ex, wherever we were, it was important. Its like always saying goodbye when you leave the house or not going to sleep on an argument.. these things are important when you really love someone and they are WITH you. You are with him, he asked to come back, you accepted and then... its like you are still S.
I think taking a break is a good idea.. from him, for a few weeks at least!? See what the IC says.
I was told I couldn't pull the trigger to accept the divorce and that was with a spouse who was long gone. I can't imagine what it's like in your case. It was my commitment to the 'family', my fear of financial insecurity, being alone, belief in what brought us together, disbelief that kept me from moving forward.
My brother who's been through this tells me your reality is never as bad as your fears tell you.
Folks can survive just about anything. The question surrounds living.
I never wanted this, yet my actions in the past, along with his, got us to where we are today. I worried about the hole in my children's hearts from this divorce. Someone asked me.. would you rather have your kids see you in and expect a one sided relationship or learn what to expect from a great relationship.. not settling.
I never wanted this.. but I couldn't go back to what was. I've grown so much.. so have you.
So positive that he may have heard you about time for the two of you. Interesting that he said maybe take the kids if you can't find a babysitter. Makes me think he is scared of something, of truly being alone with you. I can't tell if it's because he is scared of being hurt, or because he is scared of loving you.
You asked for it, so I'm inclined to say go with him or put it off til next weekend and go then.
But of course, only you know what you can do and what will be right.
(((((((Kalni)))))))
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Because I dont want to let go of my "family". Because I fought so damn hard for a year and it makes me feel hollow to give up now. Because I am afraid that raising the kids outside of a family will mean financial struggle, insecurity, lonely nights and I will not make it to the end. Because I am scared I am dreaming of non realistic situations and relationships meaning: can any marriage be what I want? Am I a dreamer? An immature girl not facing reality? Because at nights, when I see bad dreams, I feel like I am a 6 yrs old, never an adult, I need someone, anyone, to just "be there" even if that is not true, even if that is just an idea I carefully maintain alive.
This.... Is what I have been seeing in your posts. I see the semblances of a woman who is trying to hold it all together for very very good reasons, however not the reasons that will lead her to live a fulfilled and happy life.
If you have to move forward in your life knowing that you will never be completely sure and knowing that you are not living to the fullest, then what exactly gives you the incentive to move forward.
The unfortunate part about going through this shitt is that in the end we also have our eyes opened and sometimes we do not like what we see. We realize that our partners were not who we always dreamed they would be and that maybe we should have seen this long ago before starting a family and building our lives.
You see Maria, I am a hugs supporter of saving marriages. However, I believe that the marriages have to be something that we want and something we believe will fulfill us spiritually and emotionally. The success rates around here are not great, that has nothing to do with Michelle's direction. Her direction is great, but it is great for two people who truly belong together. Sometimes the rude awakening that we have tells us in our souls that we will never be fulfilled in this relationship.
As unpopular as this will sound, You are the only one that can decide what to do here Maria. But I implore you not to hang on for all the wrong reasons. Fear and insecurity are not the appropriate reasons to hang on longer than you should. You keep working with that IC, have your IC help you discover what you already know in your heart and have him/her help you figure out how to get your head and heart to agree.
How about a couple of quotes to get you thinking here:
Quote:
Pythagoras, If you have a wounded heart, touch it as little as you would an injured eye. There are only two remedies for the suffering of the soul: hope and patience
Quote:
Epicurus, If you live according to nature, you will never be poor; but if according to opinions, you will never be rich. Nature demands little, opinion a great deal.
and last but certainly not least...
Quote:
It is not living that matters, but living rightly. Socrates
"I see the semblances of a woman who is trying to hold it all together for very very good reasons, however not the reasons that will lead her to live a fulfilled and happy life."
Because you are reading the "surface". Kalni is not someone that would just hold on. She is a leader.. look around my friend.. look around. Right now to me.. she is just barking orders. And sometimes this works. It takes someone "listening" to the barking for the "leader" to have followers. Right now.. in this moment.. I think she is "leading" to quickly. She is leaps and bounds above his thinking. I will assure you of 1 thing.. her H does not like the barking.
"Fear and insecurity are not the appropriate reasons to hang on longer than you should."
They can be. It depends on the situation. Here.. in this post.. the "fear" is a good thing.
And not unexpected.
"Forrest you said it shows in my posts I dont want to lose him. I am not sure you are right. I am questioning that."
But you did not tell me I was "Wrong". I know you are on the fence. I know that. I said that because of the "Big Picture" and out "Walk" together.
You are voting with your "position".
All this crap started with him saying... "I wanna come home." and we have steadily walked into the crapper since then. The Sunshine has gone away.
"I think I am stubornly insisting that he could give me what I want while he proves day after day he cant. Maybe he wants to, but he CANT."
Again.. the bum reference comes to mind. You drive up and give him a "Euro".. everyday. Can you really expect that you can come and get 1/2 a "Euro" from him when you are down on the luck? You cannot expect that you giving.. will always allow someone to give back. There does come a point when someone is using you.. I just don't see that here. That bum.. may offer you a sip of his bourbon though. Yes.. the bourbon you bought. Cause that is all he has to give.
"Did I mention my friend visiting last night called him "emotionally invalid"."
Friends will "feed" off you. They see you.. and what you want. Don't trust this all the time.
Even here. Yes.. Even me.
"Because I dont want to let go of my "family"."
He is included in that statement. You have "family".
"Because I fought so damn hard for a year and it makes me feel hollow to give up now."
This is why I am "here". I have seen the work.
"Because I am afraid that raising the kids outside of a family will mean financial struggle, insecurity, lonely nights and I will not make it to the end."
Really? Are you going to "struggle"?
You have been alone.. for a year now.. I thought you were doing OK. You seemed happy. Maybe I was wrong... and misread.
"Because I am scared I am dreaming of non realistic situations and relationships meaning: can any marriage be what I want?"
You could be dreaming of "situations". But.. what does Marriage mean? The mods will tell you.. make it work. True Giving.
I just say.. "Do Work". There comes a time.. when you can see what it all means. The defining moment is.. "Free Expression".
What ever that means for you.
"So, I guess, I cant hide any longer. I cant run from myself. I am lonely and miserable."
Simply because he said... I want to come "Home".
You were not this person 6 months ago.. when you knew you were alone. Why can't you be like that.. when he is around?
You are not alone.. again.. look around my friend.. look around.
"For those being sick and tired of me complaining and moaning."
I heard moaning.
I surely did not see anyone saying they were sick of you... or the complaining.
Something is biting.. just in an annoying place. Maybe on a finger.. or that skin under your arm. Sometimes you have to put the place you like it.. right where they can see it.
Good Morning!
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
SC, thanks for stopping by. I feel I can understand you better lately...
I know, & my heart aches for you. It's an impossible choice.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
For years my mom used to tell me that I act before I think. The last few years, I realised she was wrong about that, as well as for many other things about me that she raised me to believe about myself. Right now I am again on one of those periods where I "over think". I guess what she mistook was the fact that sometimes, no matter how hard I thought things over I could not do what SHE wanted me to do. Because my heart pointed the other way. In her mind, to come to the decision I did, could only mean I didnt think about it, because if I had, I would end up to the conclusion she had reached herself.
Forrest that example about the bum, the way I read it, SCREAMS to me to give up. Because no matter what I give/ could give, what I will get back is limited. And its not enough.
Sunshine is gone. The transformation you would notice if you saw me day after day in real life I cant explain. I've gained weight (a nightmare for me-pretty big reason to feel depressed), my skin looks horrible, my eyes look dead, I am sleepy all the time (my self-defense mechanism-never fails), I go home late in the afternoon and stay in bed while my kids miss me and I cant do anything with them anymore. I stay away from my parents and brother just so that I dont have to talk to them about what is going on. I stopped cooking, I dont listen to music anymore. And this has got to stop. I cant allow this once again to happen to me. You know I share "me" a lot. Now, I am shutting down. Keeping distances from my dear friends. I think this is a huge turning point for me. As important as him leaving me 16 months ago.
I dont like what I see. I dont like the potential I see. All these years my romantic side kept his "image" to a certain level, I kept him up there ignoring what I didnt like or during the last years accepting them as parts of the man I loved. That's gone. I cant bring it back. I've tried. I dont find justifications for his lack of passion for life, I cant accept him being semi present anymore, I cant share his way of evaluating life.
Our kids are growing up fast, I am close to 40, my dad is dying (hopefully not soon), people around me are getting sick, having babies, start new careers, building houses, have goals, evolve... He is "stagnant". I have to lower my life's expectations to meet his. He woke me up. I am not putting myself to sleep again, not volunterily. I have another 10-20 creative years ahead of me (if I dont die sooner). He is a good man. But, not what I need. I am wondering what kind of role model he will be for our kids. I dont even like that idea.
He is a good man. Probably perfect for someone else. Not for me. NOT as long as he lives in his little world and doesnt "expand his horizons" . Do you know many people that dont Dream? Well, my H doesnt. I have asked him. He has no dreams for the future. Nothing. I do. Little ones but I do. I want to build that little house on the mountain, provide my kids an environment safe to dream, give them motives to become the best they can. I would like to watch an opera in Milan, a show in Broadway, go camping with my little ones just to have fun together under the stars, meet "my girl" in Africa that I support through Action Aid, remodel my bedroom, throw a big party when I get 40 and more little things like that... Spiritually/mentally/emotionally, I read, I always did, I like learning new things about human nature, I would like to improve... I could pursue many of these on my own, some I definitely couldnt on my own like build that house, but at least I am dreaming, I have desires...
I thought if I pushed hard enough, subtle enough, he would share some of these things with me. Nope... I let my dreams go as "not feasible" even it was something as simple as leave town for a long weekend. Everything had to be made so difficult, like pulling teeth from an alive man, like giving birth, being in labor for months (no painkillers)to deliver a ...mouce. I stopped pushing, stopped fighting. We collapsed.
Even this work addiction/ambition is a funny issue. He never dreamed of being so successful. For years I supported him, telling him he was one of the best. He left a job 3 years ago (was there since he was 18) and he was devastated and I was smiling. . He wanted to know why and I told him "now you will get to see how good you are, people will look for you and you will get many job offers". Didnt once doubted his value. He thought I was crazy, that I was optimistic, that we would be left with no money. 3 months later he got a job offer from this newspaper he is now a chief editor at. I was smiling again...
I am not re-writting history. Many of these things you will read about in my first few threads. Because I was aware. I guess I loved him still so much back then that I could "take it" . I dont anymore, and I cant.
I am preparing to give up. FG you know that already. Right or wrong, time will tell. It's a risk I am taking. I've played all possible scenarios in my head. I've tried to rationalize everything. It's sad. He could "save us". He has doomed us. I am ok with that. I am sad, mostly because I can see him being content with "so little" no man should ever be. I am empty, I am not settling. K
