David Cunningham says that the final blow to any relationship is when the S cuts off communication. I have now received that blow.
This morning, I was making my son's bed before going to work. My STBXW appears in the doorway behind me, no makeup on, sobbing:
W: FIB...I know that someday I will heal and perhaps we will be friends, but, I never expected you to be so adversarial. (?)Right now, I don't want to talk to you ever again. I think communication is best by text message only.
Me: Can I respond?
W walks away and heads to the door.
Me: (what else could I say?) I'm sorry you feel that way.
Over...but...we knew that. There was no communication anyway.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
She is just pushing another button. Another *test*
"I am not going to talk to you any longer!!" Age appropriate behavior for a 13 year old.
So treat her as the child she is: ignore her. Be happy, enjoy your kids, enjoy others. Everything is okay.
"Can I respond?" - bad response. It was not worth your time to respond.
Next time she does talk to you, and she will, just say "we are not talking, remember?" and walk away. Or "I don't talk to people who are not respectful" and walk away.
Giving you the silent treatment is not only very immature, but it disrespects you as a man and as the father of your kids. Don't let her get away with it.
Are you leaving stuff out of your posts? I doubt it.
She has far to go Frank, she's not even close and you have burned yourself out in her process. That's not a slight against you, your patience puts Job to shame. This is all her and her hell, no man could have stopped it, and few men would have done as well as you have, many alot worse. And I don't blow sunshine Frank, you truely have my respect.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Her every behavior pretty much is consistent with that of an angry teen. In her mind, you are the adult authority figure in her life who put an end to her dreams, never mind that her dreams did not include you, except as a financial provider.
What opposite ends of the spectrum our two situations followed. Mine over quick, neat, and with little interaction. Yours taking forever, incredibly hostile, and daily attacks from an angry woman. How I wish yours could have been more like mine.
I think it's safe for you to stop examining yourself for evidence of having done something wrong here. No fingers need to be pointed your way in how things have unfolded. Your slip ups have been minor and more than understandable given the incredible ugliness you've dealt with on a daily basis.
Consider that communication by text message only could be a blessing in disguise. I'm sure it won't make living in the same house any easier, but as Jack pointed out, at least you have legitimate reason now to walk away from any hostile conversation she might decide to instigate.
Please make sure that your lawyer fully understands the immense discomfort that exists in your home right now. Make sure that she realizes how important it is to move this forward so that the two of you can put some distance between you.
You're a fine man.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
FIB, I agree witht the others, she is acting like a teenager - including the whole, the world revolves around them attitude.
I have a teenager and when this happens, I have learned to say nothing and walk away. Anything else involves an argument and saying things we both regret.
I think it is better for you not to have any conversation between you.
FIB, this has been a long, winding road. I hope at the end of it, you find the rainbow.
Thanks all. Most of this occurred over a passport issue. I am uncomfortable having the kids leave the country right now.
Ironically, I found her passport and returned it to her tonite...it expired in Aug '07.
I called two of my BetterMen tonite. You see, it still hurts in a way. I think it will for awhile. It doesn't cripple anymore tho'. I called...to get thoughts on how to NOT react..or...thru inaction....create more tension. There was a message here...in that expiration date.
Funny tho'...the posts here continue to shine thru...
I was going to confront her tonite...and tell her that noncommunication was unacceptable, that we have education,medical and other issues to discuss that can't be handled with texts...that I was NOT adversarial...that it was her inability to reconcile that got us here...and her failure to accept accountability...
....But.....didn't I say all this already? Doesn't she always threaten me with harassment or make an emotional scene when I have tried to communicate with her? Instead....instead of all the calls, advice, etc.......
I simply placed her expired passport on her nightable and when they all came home, I greeted my kids and cuddled them on the couch as we watched A Night At The Museum. I carried them up to bed.
I'm not sure if this was right....not sure if it wuss not to respond to what she said this morning or not.
I DO know that I love my kids....and that my daily time with them....is growing short....
...The hourglass is running out....
Thank you all for your continued support. I really need to keep my head up. My pain...is for my children now. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Adversarial- new definition...... You are not doing what I want you to do.....
She's twisted Frank... Looking at you through a magnifying glass to crack your armor and make you feel just bad enough to give her what she wants.
Cheap shots are nothing new are they?
Every tragedy in history leads to rebirth. It leads to a new and improved way of life. Or as Blindfaith would say, through the ashes the Phoenix rises.
The thing is some have to live through the downfall before reaping the benefits of the rebirth and prospering from the fruits of their patience.
Your time is coming my friend, and although all around you are signs of the destruction you must have faith that our of this tragedy your phoenix will rise.......
Hang in there Frank, life will be good for you and your kids. Have faith....
Thank you all for your continued support. I really need to keep my head up. My pain...is for my children now.
FIB,
I want to caution you about something that happened to me. I had grown to a point where I could handle anything that my W could hand out. I was able to detach and not let her words or actions influence me. I was doing great.
Then came the moment where she did something that I wasn't ready for. She took an action that affected my daughter. All the strength and detachment crumbled when I sensed my daughter was being 'wronged'. What ensued was not pretty. Not that it was bad, but just a major setback on everything I stood for.
In retrospect what my daughter had to deal with wasn't that big of a deal, but it was the idea of a threat to her well being that flipped the emotional switches back on. What I learned from it was I may have been prepared for anything my W may have thrown at ME, but unprepared when it directly effected the kids. There were consequences to my actions, and I do wish I would have recognized the button being pushed, but wasn't prepared.
So as you journey on, just be alert to your emotions if something should affect your kids directly. Emotions signal that something needs to be addressed, that a boundary has been crossed. Catch them and evaluate them. See where the hurt is coming from and consider a RESPONSE instead of a REACTION.
Maybe you're already there, it just happened to blindside me when I thought I had it all together, and I wanted to warn you.
