if he doesnt bring it up, what will u do? will u proceed?
we were never legally separated, my h moved out, came back, and that when i found out there was someone else. it was all so new to me, we tried to make it work, then he freaked, asked for a divorce through mediation. i said no. and informed him all i would give was a legal separation.
he went as far as filing for the d and then changed his mind and we have been "attempting" to reconcile ever since.
are u ready for it to be final?
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
I am not sure what I will do. Kinda been thinking about that. I may wait and see if he says anything and proceed depending upon what he might say.
I am not ready for it to be final but if that's what he wants then I will give that to him. I have told myself that if it does go through then that will be it for me. I have told him that before too.
I have heard the line "you never know...people D and re-marry each other later on" from him. But I told him that there is no way I would go through the hassle of getting a D just to turn around later and re-marry that same person.
I know it happens all the time but that would not be me. When it is final...I will find a way to move on.
I was just catching up on your thread. My W says the same thing about getting together again in the future--not necessarily that she wants to, but more the "you never know." I want to work things out with her, but I just don't see how it can happen again. Why did you file and pay the fees? It seems like since he's the one who caused all of this then he should be the one to file.
The kids really do break our hearts, don't they. My D4 is so clingly to my W now, and it must be because my W moved out of the house for 2, leaving D4 with me. W moved back in and will be moving back out again, so now I'm afraid that D4 will only want to be with W. It's so hard to figure out what to tell our kids.
I also get the "you never know" every now and then. Drives me nuts! The reason I filed is this:
H had gone to school for his job for a week when I found all the text messages that were between he and OW while he was gone. He would not call me at all during this week because we had been fighting about OW but he spent a LOT of time on the phone with OW the whole time he was at school. He would call D7 at night.
Well I had read a text the day he was leaving to come home where H and OW were going to meet up before he actually got to the house. That infuriated me. He wanted to see OW before coming home to see D7 after not seeing her for a week and knew how excited she was that he was on his way back.
He denied meeting up with OW but I read it myself. That was the last straw for me. I went to the bank the day he headed home and pulled out the money to retain a L so H could not take all the money when he got back.
I do regret filing because I know that is one part that is making any reconciliation impossible right now(besides OW). He throws it in my face every now and then. But I also did it to make sure I could get CS established so that I could take care of me and D7. Without paperwork he could do anything he wanted to hurt me financially.
The skank called him all weekend long this weekend. She was home early (with her H) so my H would call me every night trying to find out what I was doing. He couldn't talk to her so guess who he would call....me. That irritates me to no end. I am good enough as long as he can't talk to her.
Apparantely OW is in court this morning because her stepson's mom is going after her for CS. Didn't know you could do that but I guess so. Not sure why her H is not paying CS. She always has weird drama going on. I don't understand why H doesn't seem to mind it.
Wow! After reading that I don't think you should feel guilty for filing, and I don't think that your decision to file is what's stopping reconciliation. It's your H's decision to cheat and continue cheating that's stopping reconciliation. Don't let him put the blame on you. My W tries that crap every now and then (I didn't file, but she says that I made her feel like our home wasn't hers because I had friends over after she moved out--what a load of BS!). When she tries to pull crap like that I remind her that it was she that moved out and said she wanted a divorce (one week after we bought our 1st home, mind you). They just don't want to take responsibility for the pain and damage they've done. Everyone wants to think they're the good guy. I think it's intolerable that your H continues this relationship with another MARRIED women. You need to set some real boundaries--he should not be able to call you when he can't talk to her. Don't take his calls. Show him that you know you are worth far more than that. Self respect is key here. I think for you the end will come when you set some real boundaries. You have to take control of this one.
I do regret filing because I know that is one part that is making any reconciliation impossible right now(besides OW). He throws it in my face every now and then.
This really jumped out at me...when H and I were separated, the one big thing he was too angry to move forward over was that I moved all his stuff out of the house (after we had already decided to separate). My point being: it's an EXCUSE he uses. Please don't let the negativity of regret cloud that truth for you, or allow him to throw it in your face.
WaitingPatiently- You are absolutely right that it is H's choice to keep cheating that is stopping reconciliation from happening. Guess I needed to see that in writing for it to sink in. I do need to set some boundaries. I guess I need to sit down and think of what boundaries I need to set and apply them.
H lies to me on a daily basis about phone calls to OW. They literally spend all day on the phone with each other. I have a way of seeing that without H knowing I can and it is not so much that I look to see IF he is talking with her (cause I know he is) but moreso to see if the lies are ever going to stop. And so far they are not. H does tell me he talks to OW but he says once or twice a day.....try 8-15.
It is intolerable for him to continue with this married skank and I am still going to let OW's H know about it. I just can't do it when I have D7. Have to wait until H takes her on his weekend before trying again.
Aud31- Thank you for posting. I am learning that it is just an excuse. The only reason I had thought it was part of it was because I know that H held a little bit of a grudge when we S 3 years ago because I made him leave.
He sometimes tells me that he knows I don't want him back and he learned that the day I filed. But the more I think about it now the more I see that it is just an excuse to try to make me think or to blame myself.
At this point I really never see us getting back together because the A seems to be heated again by all the phone calls back and forth and it is never going to stop between the 2 of them.
Who knows what will happen when OW's H find out but at least whatever happens I will then know if they are going to be together or not.
I went out today and watched a movie. It was nice and it took my mind off things at least for a bit. H called earlier and I talked to him just briefly. Long enough to tell him I was going out but did not tell him where or with who:)
The lies can seem endless. I continue to uncover lies and deception, and I too wonder if they will ever end. I guess at this point we just have to understand that our spouses are simply not going to be honest with us, so we have to treat everything they say or do with suspicion. The hard part in all of that is to treat others the way we want to be treated, not the way they are treating us. My hope is that if I continue to love my W through this that that love will conquer all of this tragedy. Who knows...
WaitingPatiently- You are absolutely right that it is H's choice to keep cheating that is stopping reconciliation from happening. Guess I needed to see that in writing for it to sink in. I do need to set some boundaries. I guess I need to sit down and think of what boundaries I need to set and apply them.
H lies to me on a daily basis about phone calls to OW. They literally spend all day on the phone with each other. I have a way of seeing that without H knowing I can and it is not so much that I look to see IF he is talking with her (cause I know he is) but moreso to see if the lies are ever going to stop. And so far they are not. H does tell me he talks to OW but he says once or twice a day.....try 8-15.
It is intolerable for him to continue with this married skank and I am still going to let OW's H know about it.
Pooh,
This is not healthy for you. You NEED to set some boundaries -- for YOU, not necessarily to win your husband back (altho it usually does have the added bonus of making you appear stronger, and therefore, more attractive in the process).
The phone calls -- and the lies about them -- need to stop. They're killing your self-esteem. I suggest approaching him and saying something like "I know you're lying to me about how often you talk to her, and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family." When he tries to lie to you about it, just put up your hand in the "STOP" position and say, firmly "Stop it. We both know you're lying right now, so please just STOP IT. I can't control you having an affair, or even how often you talk to her, but I can certainly tell you that I am no longer willing to tolerate your deceit."
It's CONTROLLING to tell someone else what to do. It's BOUNDARY-SETTING to let them know what YOU are willing to put up with.
Each of us must decide for ourselves what our own Boundaries of Personal Integrity are. For me, it was:
1) No phoning or texting or chatting with OM from inside of our marital home. I cannot live in a marriage where I'm disrespected that way on a daily basis.
2) No phoning or texting OM in front of our children, from ANYWHERE. I cannot abide my children seeing their mother carry on an affair in front of them.
3) If you're going to stay out past midnight, don't bother coming home. I still need to work to support our family, and I can't sleep when you come home that late.
and then, eventually, I added a big #4:
NO MORE DECEIT. If you wanna continue to refuse to end your affair, that's your business, but no more will I tolerate you telling your parents and our adult children that "there's nothing going on," and that "Puppy is crazy!" when we both know that absolutely EVERYTHING I've told them is 100% TRUE.
OK, I just read your entire thread, and I wasn't aware that you had already filed for D, he had already moved out, and you've dated others as well and even ML to your husband during this. So most of what I said above is going to be moot for you.
Let me ask you specifically: what agreement did the two of you have that he is now not living up to? I'm not seeing where any were established, and that's probably your problem.
