OK, there's something in the karma again today, because in my C session today, a whole load of anger just started pouring out of me. I didn't even see it coming really. My C said that it was the most anger he has seen me express at one time and he thought it was good for me. It was funny because I have been feeling pretty good lately since the talk I had with H last week where I basically "set him free". And I am feeling OK again now. Go figure!
Maybe our whores are moanin'.......
(((((())))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Hey SC, I dont know what it is, but I am feeling mighty annoyed today.
I have heard that the 18 month mark is when there is some movement. Either the LBS has had enough or the MLCer makes a move. Well, my MLCer is certainly making a move by moving out, kinda. And I am feeling like I need to do something - some kind of 180. Because this feeling like a doormat, not liking it much.
It is a good thing h is out of the house this week. He is with ow, I think, and is definitely at her mother's house.
Any opinions about a 180 of me telling him he made his choice, now he has to follow through would be appreciated.
Hmmmmm.......I understand your frustration with your H's "wishy-washy" "flip-flopin" decision making, but part of me wonders if deep down, he really knows where he belongs, so that's why he's there.(?) I really don't know what to think! Is he just reluctant to give up the fantasy he has in his head about the possibility of going back and re-living his past? Is he perhaps trying to get you to "throw him out" thus letting him off the hook of being responsible for the decision?
The likelihood of reconcilliation is supposedly better with him in the house, but I understand the pain you are feeling, and I do feel that real growth and self-confidence grew for me through seperation.
I guess I would say to get to GAL'ing your behind off. Don't let him push your buttons. Don't give him that power. Start doing fun things and getting out of the house and let him sit there! And take your son with you when/if possible! Tell your son, that his Dad is going through a tough time, but it's his red wagon. Neither of you have to let your H drag you down with him! You are giving him way too much power over your happiness.
Use your anger and show your son the strong woman you are and show him how to take charge of his life by setting that example! How do you want to teach your son to handle life crisis? Remember, he will learn from your example. I'm betting that part of the difficulty for your son is the fact that he is worried about you! Take that issue off your son's plate by showing him you are OK.
If H doesn't want to join with the family, his loss! Let him see you and your son having fun without him! Show H what he is really losing!!
This is basically what I am trying to do with my S17 now, and I have really seen an improvement in his behavior and in our relationship.
JMHO!!
((((((((((BG & Son!)))))))))
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Thank you both for posting. And this is why I am unsure of what to do, I agree with both of you.
Here are my feelings. On the one hand, I have to file-I have done serious, life altering damage having waited this long.
I absolutely feel my h wants me to throw him out to get him off the hook. And the stubborn part of me does not want to give him an out.
I dont think he feels that this is where he belongs. I think a large part of it is our son.
And what am I showing my son, that a man can tell his family he is unhappy and wants to leave and the woman lets him come and go as he pleases and acts like it is all normal?
I do not want to do the wrong thing, but I also dont want to lose whats left of my soul allowing h to cake-eat.
I don't think your H "feels this is where he belongs" either, but I do think he knows it at least subconsiously.
Yellowrose once told me that when her gut and DB conflicted, she always went with her gut, and she is a remarkable success story. You sound like your gut is telling you that you've had enough, at least for now.
Given that, I guess it's time to draw the line in the sand with your H and tell him it's time to fish or cut bait.
I wouldn't do it angrily. Try to just stay calm and reasonable if possible.
Take care!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
(((((Donna))))) I've been reading "Passionate Marriage". OK, well that seems pretty far fetched. Anyway, The key point it makes it that you have to hold onto yourself, onto your own integrity. I'm still working on understanding the book, I think it might take about 6 times through to "get" it, but.....
I think you have to trust yourself. Save your soul, as you put it. You can't, and shouldn't, give yourself up in order to try to pacify him, or because you are worried about how he will react. If you do, it will almost certainly backfire.
Do what you know is right, but as Silent said, don't do it angrily. The goal isn't to change him, the goal is to change yourself.
Thank you both again. You know, h said he is going to be gone in two weeks. He wanted to do it slowly for son. I might just see if that happens.
I want to be sure my actions are not done out of anger or stubborness or retaliation, but that they are what is best for me and my son.
My h called today, regarding the medical info. I made it short and to the point.
I feel, at the very least, that I need to do something different than I have been for 18 months. And I think going dim is going to be it.
And getting things ready for when I go to the lawyer to file. That will be the hardest thing for me. It goes against everything I believe in. I know that once I file, h will follow through with divorce. In fact, I think he is hoping I will.
Once again, he is waiting for me to do all the dirty work. So he can justify it all in his little, teeny, tiny head. (oops, that was my outside voice). My bad.
(((((((Donna))))))) You should know when to use your inside voice!
I think you are right, he is waiting for you to do it. Sometimes to save yourself you have to do something that goes against what you believe. It hurts, but you have to save yourself!
