Hi Veronica, I'm doing okay today, thanks. It did surprise me how much she saw in that exchange - since I didn't raise my voice at all and just tried to sound as a matter of fact as possible...Still, to her, the aggression she sees is real - and I think she really does feel intimidated by assertiveness. That's actually something our MC pointed out to her in session once - that she, my W, confuses assertiveness with anger - both in others and in herself - and so when someone is assertive, she reads it as anger - and when she's trying to be assertive, she does so through anger (I had forgotten about our MC saying that until just now).
Throughout our R there's been an issue of how she interprets my moods - and is often wrong about them. She used to tell me I was angry when I didn't have an ounce of anger me, or she would ask me to calm down and relax whenever I felt just happy about something...it was as though she had to control my emotions by defining them.
I'm curious to see how our interaction will go tonight. This morning I also sent her the note I had written...since it just seemed like a good time to let her know that I am no longer playing into the dynamic that she is insisting on seeing - and that I am very prepared to move on with my life - just as she is prepared to do so for herself.
Now I know that she is going through a process...but I also see that she isn't doing anything to examine herself or to improve herself - and is still very determined to find all fault with me - that's fine - she can do that...but when I think about our past in more detail it becomes more and more obvious that I might just be better off by extricating myself from her and her family - that way I can also provide our son at least half a stable family to grow up in - whereas if we stay together, I think it could remain an unhealthy environment.
I should mention that I went to see The Wrestler last night - the new Mickey Rourke movie - and I thought his acting was incredible- just incredible. It was a powerful movie - and extremely depressing - and when I got home around midnight I just walked into the house and wept like I had never heard myself weep before...the movie just struck a cord in some ways - about the loneliness of burying yourself in the myth of your identity at the expense of taking care of the harsh reality of your life...It made me think of my father, who identified himself in the myth of the successful physician and who now struggles with being retired...and it made me think of the myths I had been inhabiting about myself - and what I might have been on course to lose if I didn't pause and take stock of my obligations to reality - to my kids especially. It's a slow-paced film - and nothing like Rocky - but it is well directed and the script is pretty good. Even some of the cheesy lines benefited from actors that know how to deliver them in ways that sounded natural and convincing - and not so first-draft. If anyone is in the mood for a depressing, well-written and sometimes very blood movie (all in the wrestling), I would recommend it...just be sure you're not alone afterward...like I was...
