"I think what you may be trying to say is that anger is what is allowing you to start to detach, finally. I hope so."
That is it exactly. I use rage because it is an enormous build of pain and anger. Rage is a physical presence and a state odf mind that is reactive. But you got it. Ye sI use the word rage, not in its clinical sense, but to define and enormous amount of pain and anger inside me. I turn it inward to push myself past those things that have caused it. I can't let go allowing my emotins to be on my shirt sleeve. they need to be bound, tied and used for the energy that they have. It is working already.
It is confusing, I know, but I have lived through doing this once before. It drove me to levels I didn't think I could achieve, on my own and to have everyone stadn back and say wow. My dad just said, he needed a push, I never doubted him. Who knows, maybe this advice came from my dad, I have been asking for him alot lately.
But I feel better knowing you get it. My rage won't let me contact her, its actually me who won't allow the rage, I don't need moreI need touse what I have and let it be gone. i don't know how long it will last, but if I can get two weeks under my belt, well, I am off to the races.
No I am not a scary person, hell I'm the guy all the kids flock to, I have always been that way. My "rage" gives me focus, keeps me straight as an arrow. There is no deviation when I get that feeling. Its sink or swim.
thanks for wordsmithing me, and understadning, I was afraid I was scaring everyone away. It is anger, but anger is not a big enough word. Rage works. Raging against the machine simply means fighting back for what I believe. And lets face it, this machine has been pushing me back and down for 5 months. Not anymore. Its time to push back and take control. Another bad word "control".
