struggling to make R work

[garyjlost]

This might seem like rambling. I hope not. But I'm struggling with some issues regarding my wife. She was a WAW. We're now attempting a R, which is going fairly well ... I think. But she is still sort of distant. She hasn't really committed to the R fully. She's still in wait-and-see mode. She wants to be convinced that my changes are for real. That the changes are permanent. That I won't backslide. So far I'm doing a pretty good job. In fact, my wife seems to think my changes are a little TOO much. Now, I'm always around. I'm involved with the family. She and I are going on dates regularly. We go to parties. Things are seemingly good, but there are undercurrents that she's not really satisfied. For example, in order for me to get any of her time, Monday through Friday, when she's typically focused on our daughter, it takes a major effort on my part. Something as simple as watching TV together requires negotiation. First, does she have time to watch TV? (She thinks all of our 9-year-old daughter's in-house activities need to be monitored, from watching TV to practicing piano.) Second, will we watch from the living room, where we have separate chairs, or from the family room, where we can sit together on the sofa. Asking for the sofa can require some nifty negotiations.

Okay, we are indeed talking about a woman who was a WAW. She was very close to being gone. She was really thinking that divorce was appropriate. But then I made some major changes and she decided that we should give the marriage another try. MAYBE, I should just be glad that I'm living at home again. MAYBE, I should just be glad that my wife can see my changes. MAYBE, I should just be glad that we're sleeping together, that we do indeed share some time together on date nights every week or two. MAYBE I should just consider myself fortunate that she occasionally says "I love you" (although she always it in response to me saying it first, except when she uses it when ending a telephone call, although, hell, she probably says "I love you" after ordering pizza delivery--she does love pizza). MAYBE, I should just consider myself fortunate that my WAW is still here at all and working with me. I read about other husbands with WAWs, and it just breaks my heart how there is seemingly NOTHING they can do to win back their wives. The wives are gone and it's only a matter of time, maybe over a year that they endure the pain of separation, before they can really see the writing on the wall and move on. I'm in a much better situation, no doubt about it. I recognized what was happening with my wife and took action before we had passed the point of no return. But still ... we went a long way down the road toward separation and divorce. We led separate lives for a large part of the last decade. And there is ingrained behavior and ingrained attitudes that are difficult to change. I'm trying the best I can to be a loving husband. And I think I'm succeeding. I think I'm doing a good job. But my wife isn't used to seeing me in this role and it confuses her. She says my changes are a bit much. She recognizes that she argued that I needed to be more involved in the family, but now that I am involved, she thinks maybe I'm involved TOO much. She wanted more love from me, but now that she gets it, she thinks maybe she's getting TOO much love. She thinks there must be a better compromise between no involvement and constant involvement, no love and constant love. So I back off a little ... but finding the right balance is tough. I'm not sure the right balance really even exists. It's always too much or too little. This is so hard. And it requires so much of my energy. I can keep going like this for well into the foreseeable future. But it's not exactly satisfying.

My anxiety swelled up again today because of something seemingly insignificant. (I've been on anxiety-relief medication but it doesn't really seem to have much of an effect.) I sent my wife flowers. I've been doing this every couple weeks since the R started. I sent a nice card, in which I said I love her. I got an e-mail message from her in return saying, "Got the pretty flowers. Thanks. Hope you're having a nice day." That's it (oh, and a smiley face). Okay, maybe it isn't fair for me to want her to say anything about "love." Maybe I shouldn't WANT to hear those words. But if she had said them, just a simple "I love you, too", then I would feel so much better right now. She obviously withheld the "I love you." For her, it didn't seem appropriate. It wasn't something she could say. MAYBE I shouldn't read too much into that. MAYBE she's just being honest. She'll say "I love you" when she really means it. Until then I have to be content with the fact that she's here, that I'm sleeping with her, that we're acting like a family, that we're working together on the marriage.

Maybe this is just what it's like working with a WAW. Maybe she'll eventually come back to me emotionally. Maybe she'll eventually really want me the way that I want her. Maybe eventually she'll really give me her lips when we make love ...

I don't know if she's really happy with the R. I suspect the results, for her, are sort of a mixed bag. Some good mixed in with the bad. But getting her to talk about this is next to impossible. It's always the wrong time. She sighs--it's too late, it's too close to supper time, it's too early in the day, it's too etc. But when is appropriate? She dances. She tiptoes. She slips away. And I don't ... know ... what's ... going ... on. I'm left with her silence.

I feel like I'm twisting in the wind in an abandoned town.