Finding neutral

[GFI]

well, things have been pretty rough for me the last week or so...Since Christmas H has let slip that he'd made a pot for OM at a craft event he and W went too, same place he made the one I got from him for Christmas i should think, OM has been for tea and that he's seen a film at OM's etc etc etc. Bless him (H), he's not to know that what he's saying in all innocence is making me throwing up. But part of me is pretty convinced he's actually trying to let me know stuff or that he's bothered about stuff in the only way he feels possible...

Not once have I responded in any way other than positive or the positive side of neutral, but nevertheless I have found that all pretty difficult to hear. And yet W still phones me, IMs me - and I love speaking / having contact with her - but its so painful.

Right at the moment I have decided I need to reduce my contact with my W - right now she is concerned about finances and we were due to meet tonight while H was at a club for an hour - last night I thought and thought about what was making me feel so anxious and uptight right now and concluded that there was no way that i could go and sit around our kitchen table where 24 hours earlier the OM had sat having tea with my son.

After lunch today I sent this email to my W:

"Hi there W - perhaps you can email me about the things you feel need sorting out - if you email me the spreadsheet I can update my side of it.

I'm sorry W - I need to do it this way right now - you are very very precious to me and there's nothing I wouldn't do to save our
relationship and marriage.

I am and always will be deeply deeply sorry for the things I've done which have contributed to the mess we're in.

A big part of me would love to see you but while OM is around I need to preserve the love I have for you as best I can - I need to do that for H's sake - part of that is not to see you for more than is absolutely necessary right now.

Thanks - GFI"

Got H overnight tonight - which has been wonderful...and all being well I will have him stay with me on Saturday night and we'll have all Sunday together.

One worrying thing though - he seems "sad" - kinda preoccupied sometimes - i can snap him out of it no probs but it is worrying.

KBO - GFI