Wanted to start by posting the last post from my old thread since I don't know how to link them:
K I agree this is the last attempt at figuring us out. And I think we have a 50/50 shot at best given his attitudes and previous behaviors. But I know that this is the only real chance we have. For him to step away and see things from a distance. And for him to get some help and support from an outside source (counseling).
I told him in the car last night that the way we were interacting under the same roof right now would guarantee we got a divorce b/c we kept cycling through the same crap. He agreed that it was hurting us more to live together than it prob. will to live apart.
Still hurts but I know it is true.
And I am slightly encouraged by talking to the counselor at school today.
He said that from my brief description of how the past year has gone, the fact that H said what he did in the car last night (he is glad I got to stay home with the kids, his life/career decisions were his decisions and he shouldn't blame me, etc),and that he is going to a counselor, to him that showed that things are turning a corner.
So that's nice. I think one way or another this is going to be the last time H leaves our home. Either he will never come back or he will one day come back and never leave again. If that option should ever arise don't worry this time I will stick to my 'demands' because I do not deserve to settle after all this hard work and sacrifice.... _________________________
Not much has happened since this post. We talked some last night about what to say to the kids. I was calm and controlled most of the time. H did tear up when I was going over what specifically to say to the kids.
When H was putting the kids to bed (it was his turn) D started crying that she wanted her mommy. Well that is a sign of things to come and I am sure he knows that. Kids want the parent that they don't have at any particular moment so we will both be hearing that in the months to come...
We actually talked very well last night. There was no fighting at all. In fact I couldn't find our 2007 tax return which H needs to close on his new house. Typically when some kind of paperwork is missing H goes apesh!t mad at me. This time he could tell I was tensing in anticipation of that and he said "Relax I am not blaming you we will find it".
The only non-DB thing I probably said last night was when talking about what to tell the kids.
I was saying "We should just tell them that mommy and daddy cannot get along together and we need to have a break from each other, just like when you and your friends at school are fighting at center time and the teacher tells you to go play somewhere else for awhile and settle down."
Then I said something like "You know, because clearly tonight we are having such a hard time getting along..." because we totally weren't which is why this is so ridiculous... I could tell he knew exactly what I meant because he did this thing with tears in his eyes and he shrugged and shook his head like he couldn't really grasp it either.
Anyway we moved right on to talking about something else. He headed out around 10:45 so he could go to bed but said he was coming over this evening. We aren't doing anything major until after Nathan tests for his orange belt tomorrow night.
I am glad you are coping and Dan is getting help, thats really something. I notice you do this alot though...
"Then I said something like "You know, because clearly tonight we are having such a hard time getting along..."
I have known my ex 13 years, we never argued. We had shared interests, friends, tastes and werent leading separate lives AT ALL and still ML right up until the day he moved out finally, 2 weeks after the bomb. We havent had a cross word since he left me. We get on great, we always did do, there was no drama.
Yes its frustrating to me that he wouldnt go to MC or even talk to me AT ALL about his decision to leave.. but like he said, I love you like a friend. I'm not ILWY anymore. I did all the pleading and reasoning you did.. but we get on so well, you love my family, all those years.. he said he couldnt stay with me because of history or other people or shared interests or sense of humour, that he wasnt in love with me anymore and this was just the right thing for him, he had lent on me too much and wanted space.
Guess its not going to 'work' that you keep beating him over the head with the fact that you get on well.
Isnt it about limerance ? That thing that binds you? And these guys just seem to have lost it. As the ILYBIMILWY Anymore book says.. there can be a number of reasons for that, abusive situations, depression, just not putting the effort in, but unless he gets himself straight, he wont see that.
Good luck with telling the kids, that must be so tough on you, especially telling Nathan for a second time. Thinking of you !!! Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Yes I am dreading telling the kids but there is a small small part of me that will be relieved just because I feel like we are living a lie and continuing to feed their belief that we are "okay" and we are always going to be together. I hate hurting them so much but it is out of my hands at this point.
Ali I agree 100% about my reminding him how well we are getting along. That is why I dropped it the second I said it and changed the subject. And never brought it up again for the rest of the time he was there. I cannot do that again and I realize that, just wish I hadn't done it last night...
Actually it hit me today that I really need to just cut him out of my life. That sounds bad he will always be my children's father and I never wanted him to stop being my husband. But even though he says this is a separation and we may eventually reconcile I can hinge my life on that possibility. I need to just start living the 'single' life (I don't mean dating I will not do that until we get divorced if we do get divorced), running my household on my own, making my plans on my own, etc. That will be easier once he has his house up and running so he isn't over here as often.
On an unrelated note, I ran 5.25 miles last night. Yay me! Joined a fitness challenge for the next 100 days...
The only question I really have at this point is how I should be in my interactions with H once we tell the kids.
I hear all the time the argument of "being friends" or not being friends.
Part of me thinks that if I want to respect his desire to have space to sort himself out, I should just leave him alone entirely other than trading the kids back and forth and any living/financial concerns related to them.
I don't necessarily want to be 'cold' to him, however. But I also don't want to do anything that is considered pressure...For example I told him that if Nathan gets his orange belt tomorrow night I was wanting to take him out to celebrate after and invited H to come along. He said he would like that. Should I not have offered? I guess the 'separated but not divorced' thing is what I am trying to navigate.
I already stopped ever calling him JUST for the sake of calling, chatting, etc. I pretty much let him initiate all contact at this point. However when we DO hang out together, I do my best to do what I never used to do. Listen, affirm, try to understand what he is saying. I admitted to him in the car the other night that often when he (or anyone else for that matter) was talking in the past, I was often formulating my response instead of REALLY listening. He thanked me for admitting that.
So anyway now I am rambling I just want to make sure I walk the line of detached but not cold or bitchy...
So last night was uneventful. H came over around 7 and ate dinner with us. He has pneumonia so actually he had soup while we ate. He left at 10.
This morning Nathan asked me why I was sleeping on Dad's side of the bed when he came in at 6 am. I just said I must have rolled over. I will be so relieved in that regard when this separation is out in the open....he is too smart and I don't want to lie to him.
Depends how you will present it to him. Maybe a toy waiting for him? Wallpaper with his favourite hero, a bed he likes?
Bbj, dont make the mistakes I did. The kids live it 50% thru you and 50% thru what they feel... Kids of this age at least, IMO.
If you are calm and "OK" they will feel better sooner than you think. Which, let me add, does feel strange when it happens too, because for a while you think kids will be a constant pressure for WAs, like a reminder of where the WAS should be, punishing and haunting him. When kids get better, it feels dicsouraging as far as reconcil is concerned... As if the only person remembering "this" is not what it should happen is the LBS, well me in that matter since I am only talking from experience. K
Thanks for remembering my Kung Fu Panda K, I hope we come home with an orange belt tonight.
As far as the house in concerned, I was going to buy Nathan a "Star Wars: Clone Wars" bedspread set with money he got from his grandparents for Christmas. I told H the other night when we were walking through the 'new' house that he needed to have posters on their walls, etc., make it 'home' for them.
I watched a show we have in the states called "Supernanny" a couple of months ago. Don't normally watch but it was one where the nanny was coming to help a couple tell the kids about their impending divorce and to show the kids their dad's new apartment for the first time.
Anyway the nanny took the dad and kids on a shopping spree at Target or somewhere like that. They got storage/toy crates in bright colors, got the little girl some tinkerbell stickers to put up on the wall, got the boy some 'boy' stuff to put on his wall, etc. She said the sooner it feels like home instead of a bachelor pad, the better.
Also my kids have about five times the number of toys they need. We literally have 2 rubbermaid tubs and 3 big cardboard moving boxes of toys that we haven't unpacked in this house since they have so much. I told H that he WILL be taking a bunch of the kids' current toys to his new house. He is using the third bedroom as a playroom and putting the kids in a room together since they currently share a room. Anyway that way the kids will have familiar toys right from the start. Also he was going to buy Nathan a loft bed (bunk bed with just the top level) since he has been wanting one for a while...anything to help them get excited about the new place.
I realize it may sound like I am 'helping' H or whatever here in terms of suggesting bedding, toys, etc. But really I am looking out for my kids. I don't want them to walk into an empty room with two beds and nothing else....
Also I told H that if he is going to be having them sleep at his house we need to stock up on clothing. I do NOT want the kids to have to take a suitcase to go see their dad. If it is their second home, I don't think they should have to pack up to go over there. I figure they should have clothes in the closet, toothbrushes in the bathroom, etc etc....
I could tell he knew exactly what I meant because he did this thing with tears in his eyes and he shrugged and shook his head like he couldn't really grasp it either.