This "rage" is not the clinical rage. I t is how I turn my anger into energy I can use and direct my focus. I know its hard to believe, but it works. Love and rage are opposite ends of the emotion line, true. Forgiveness, well, I know I need to forgive,I know that, but I can't until I am over it. Rage is going to turn this around for me by not letting my emotions control my feelings or my life, for a time. It is already working. I may have the solution to my D17 school and I do not plan on calling W tomorrow about car ins, she doesn't have it. I would have called just to rub it in hoping she would break, or just to see if she was miserable knowing her car got repo'd. My rage won't let me. It keeps me angry enough to keep her at arms length, but gives the logic that why waste that energy and possibly get upset. thats what happened last time. My rage will not let my emotions control or enter the situation. I can reflect later and feel good or bad about what I did, but mostly I won't. The only way to get over this is to rage against the machine. this puts my mind set on one thing, getting over it. He is guiding me through this and it is already working. No I am not going to rage and kill or hurt someone, it is not that way. It is an internal rage that takes emotion out of the equation and replaces it with impulse to achieve.

I know it sounds crazy and illogical, but it has worked for me before, many, many years ago. I need to get on this walk and I can't if I am letting myself get mired down. D17 school issue may be resolved, my attitude is a little better and I will most likely read the DR book again this weekend during breaks.

I love my wife, woukld love her to love me, for us to be together and spend the rest of our lives in marital bliss. In her eyes and her min right now, it is never going to happen at any level or point in time. As you posted in gilda radners book, you can either accept it or let it worry you to death. My rage is the only emotion I have that will accept it. It will fuel itself on it and keep me focused on areas that need it. I am not mad at my W, I am angry, and rather than wear my emotion on my sleeve, I will build it inside, let it build into rage and use the enrgy to my advantage. My rage iwll keep me away from her, physically and emoitonally, which is where I need to be. This is His plan, I never would have gone to this , He knows whats best, He knows we need to walk and talk, He knows I can't get off th erock I am sitting on until I let it go and get over it. It is happening, I feel it. Rage is bad, very bad, but I have learned early in my life totake all the anger and pain and sorrow that builds into me and change things to my advantage, to make me better, without holding onto emotional baggage or concerns about what other people thnk or say. I knowwhats best for me right now, He has told me to walk, to stop the distracyion by any means, I am doing that. If I don't fight back from where I am, I will be lost forever. I will not die in here, I will live. My rage is what will save me, my anger and pain will bring me to my goals of happiness and peace. trust me.